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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel irritable with DH?

21 replies

kittycat37 · 16/02/2011 21:47

On Valentines day he presented me with a 'surprise'

Oh the joy - cheap, tacky, uncomfortable underwear, nylon, black and red, just tarty in the extreme....

I mean FFS.

My libido has taken a nose dive since then.

I had DD2 10 months ago. I'm chronically exhausted.

I'm not averse to sex but generally I really want a cuddle, a cup of tea and an early night.
Which I rarely get.

I'm hoping this isn't a sign that our relationship is in terminal decline. I've been feeling irritable with him but can't face telling him why. He'll be hurt (he thinks tacky underwear is a nice present I think).

AIBU? I don't think so.

OP posts:
MamaMary · 16/02/2011 21:49

YABU

He thinks it's a nice present

At least he got you something

He's probably hoping it'll make you feel sexy and have sex wih him (yes, he's deluded but he's a man).

SwearyMary · 16/02/2011 21:49

YANBU.

Ask him to out the undies on and see how long it is before his nips and cock are itching like fuck.

squeakytoy · 16/02/2011 21:51

I dont think you are meant to keep the underwear on for long enough for it to cause a rash! lol!

Professor · 16/02/2011 21:53

Ahhh, kitty, never mind, at least he tried.

What does he usually get you?

Huffymuffy · 16/02/2011 21:53

YANBU
But...it could turn into a situation that is quite comical. My DH bought me some fairly expensive purple and black gear, more of a jokey "bet you team the bra up with some inside out M&S pants at some point" comment. Very true. I am not a materialistic person so pants don't bother me per se. But, perhaps he just misses you? Bit of intimacy? Go for a wild night of passion, don't knock it. A gift is a gift, even if it is a bit one sided! You might finish up wondering why you don't do it more often!

Scrumpet · 16/02/2011 21:54

Any husband that bought me cheap shite undies as a present for me (him) would get a short shrift, and he'd be highly unlikley to find me writhing around the bed in it.

There's nothing more of a turn off that a selfish arsehole who tries to dress up a gift as something for the receiver when it's actually for the giver.

Mind you, I did buy dh a sat nav a while back and I rarely let him use it Wink

Original poster
kittycat37 · 16/02/2011 22:00

Scrumpet - you've hit the nail on the head

It didn't exactly make me feel 'special'.

He can be really shit with presents tbh.

Like one year, before my birthday he'd been telling me how much he wanted a digital camera.

What did I open on my birthday?

A digital camera.

Had I expressed any interest in one? No.

Had he tried to find out what I wanted? No.

I had a bit of a teenage strop at that one.

OP posts:
Original poster
kittycat37 · 16/02/2011 22:03

HuffyMuffy,

The thing is I really want intimacy, emotional and physical.

But dressing up like a teenage wank aid doesn't make me feel intimate. It just makes me feel stupid.

OP posts:
Professor · 16/02/2011 22:05

Men don't really get this though, do they?

Original poster
kittycat37 · 16/02/2011 22:06

Professor,
Despite above comments re camera he can be good with presents.

Last Christmas he arranged for me to go and see my friend abroad, found out when she was free, booked the tickets, arranged the childcare. That was great. Really thoughtful and I appreciated it. That sort of thing makes me feel far more inclined to have sex than shite underwear iykwim.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 16/02/2011 22:06

YANBU.

IMO it shows that he hasn't really bothered to think about why you aren't having much sex at the moment, and you are right that the present is more for him than you.

I think you have to try and tell him how you feel, otherwise this is going to drive a huge wedge between you.

Original poster
kittycat37 · 16/02/2011 22:07

x post professor

OP posts:
RevoltingPeasant · 16/02/2011 22:17

KCat

Are you anywhere near London? If so have you ever visited Shh! - it's a woman-friendly sex shop.

And I don't mean like Ann Summers, I mean actually woman-friendly. They will make you a cup of tea, everything is clean and nice, and they have some really, er, imaginative books on things like intimacy, massage, etc.

I understand why you are upset but maybe you could organise a trip somewhere like that and show DH what you like? Maybe he just doesn't really know?

Believe me, it can be very frustrating when your DP doesn't want sex and you don't know how to get their interest back...

MamaMary · 16/02/2011 22:19

Agree with Alibaba. Tell him you do want to be intimate, but that seducing begins at breakfast time - not with some tacky underwear.

I wouldn't be too harsh on him, but he needs to be told that helping around the house/ helping with the kids etc would give you a break and make you far more inclined to have sex with him.

Original poster
kittycat37 · 16/02/2011 22:21

Thanks Revolting - interesting. That might be a good idea.

I guess in his clumsy way he was trying to spark things up.

He'd never dream of actually putting any pressure on or even commenting about our sex life. Which is good because I can't stand blokes who do that (having experienced it in the past).

But I suppose the sub text of the present is that he's feeling lonely.

Actually so I am, but nylon underwear isn't the answer IMO.

OP posts:
Original poster
kittycat37 · 16/02/2011 22:24

MamaMary, tbh I can't fault him on his input with the kids and house. He's totally hands on, does every other night with baby, we share everything.

We both work and we both regard the domestic stuff as as joint responsibility.

So I can't claim resentment about that side of things.

OP posts:
RevoltingPeasant · 16/02/2011 22:25

No absolutely.

Another, easier one is: is there a Lush near you? They do fab massage bars which you melt with the heat of your hands and then use to give the other person a backrub (or wherever else!). They are not too expensive, around £6 and will last a good while, and they have really nice smells, like shea butter, chocolate, peaches and cream.... Also totally natural so no risk of nasty chemicals in bad places.

That can be a really nice way to start getting intimate without going into full-on SEX MODE.

Original poster
kittycat37 · 16/02/2011 22:29

Might try that Revolting.

OP posts:
Original poster
kittycat37 · 16/02/2011 22:30

Actually Revolting, I can't read your posts without thinking of Baldrick from Blackadder
(cos of yr name) Grin

OP posts:
MamaMary · 16/02/2011 22:31

That's good that he helps. You're probably both tired, but most men can put that aside more easily when it comes to sex.

Don't worry - your marriage isn't in decline. You're just tired and in need of a few more cups of tea and cuddles. Maybe you can tell him that?

FWIW, I had a chat with my DH recently on this very same subject. Explained to him that he wasn't making me feel 'special' or being romantic enough. To his credit he took it on board. Every now and again we need these little chats, I find.

[Hugs]

Huffymuffy · 16/02/2011 22:43

Go with Kittycat37 suggestion. I'm going to hotfoot it to a Lush tomorrow on the basis of that recommendation! I just meant have a sense of humour about it really. you are both clearly on different pages at the moment. But men being men he is not intuitive so you have to tell him. Tacky undies are his clumbsy shot into the dark. Educate him.

Get a baby sitter, go for a meal, or ask him to reheat a little M&S for a tenner number and then talk...really talk, get a bit tipsy if you want. See what happens, not desperately useful advice I'm afraid. But what do you like or want to do to unwind?

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