To feel I have wasted the last 8 years of my life

[katedan]

I am trying to return to work following being at home on and off for the last 8 years since ds was born. I had an interview last week for a role I have being doing voluntarily and thought I was in with a good chance but found out yesterday I have not got the job. I feel really down as I have taken on lots of voluntary work while being at home to fill my C.V and give me something to do while the children were young. I really thought this would help me on my return to work but it appers not. I feel I have made a huge mistake giving up my paid job 4 years ago as I will never get back to that level again and they offered me part time but as I had twins 4 years ago I could not earn enough to pay for childcare so I quit but I really regret that now as I would now have a job and the children would be at school. My job was quite well paid and a good level but I am now getting turned down for admin level roles! I am finding it hard not to resent the children. I am lonely at home and have no one to talk to in the real world. I feel like by being at home I have ruined my chance of getting back to work and don't feel like I have been a good mum by staying at home as the children know I am unhappy. I have not even manged to make any friends in the mummy world. I have no idea what to do now and wish I could turn the clock back and change my decsions. I do not want to be home whie my children are at school (no offence to anyone who does but it is not what i want). Sorry to moan on but I really do not know how to improve my life. I have looked at college courses but that would mean studying for 3 or 4 years and I want to start earning money now. Also I am not very clever so could not do a university course. Would appreciate your comments.

Have you tried talking to the people who interviewed you to ask what about your application went against you? If you ask in a "I'm wanting to learn from this" kind of way, many people will give you feedback. It may just be that the other person had a slight edge, or there may have been something which you can improve for the next time.

There are probably a lot of people going after the same jobs as you at the moment, so you may have to keep slogging at it for a bit, but there's no reason you shouldn't be able to get an interesting job which suits you.

2011 is a tough year for employment prospects, regardless of who you are or what your experience is. Your job from 4 years ago could easily have changed or been dispensed with - a HUGE amount has changed since 2007. So don't resent your decisions because you can't do anything to change them. If you'd made different decisions there's nothing to say they would have made you any happier.

All you can realistically do is assess your current situation and make the best of what you have. If you find it hard to assess your own skills and attributes, ask the people close to you. And you may find it useful to visit a recruitment consultant. They are very good at giving people pointers on CV-writing, interview technique, etc. Good luck

There are so many people of a high calibre after even the most basic jobs at the moment, so it is no reflection on you.

Could I just say that the other candidate may have just had the edge over you - interviewers often use a point scoring system and this would have been the deciding fact in who received the job offer. I have been offered two jobs in the past where I was not the first choice candidate, but the person who was best at the interview was not the best person for the job and things did not work out. The employers came back to me.

This could well happen to you and employers do remember people from interviews.

Hi there. Sorry to hear about your situation. It must be really demoralising. MuminScotland's advice is good. It's always worthwhile getting feedback from interviews, even if you get the job, as it's so valuable to hear others' perceptions on you.

I know it's hard not to blame and resent others when we feel that a decision we have made may not have been the best one in the long run, so try not to blame your children or family circumstances. You did what was best for you and your children at that time and that is great. And as soon as you get a job, any thoughts of resent you may have now will quickly disappear.

Something will come up - you seem determined and open to new ideas so I'm sure you'll find a new job soon that will make you happy. I guess you just have to keep plugging away to make it happen. Good luck x

problem is you are right, you have seriously disadvantaged yourself by staying home and looking after your children. but thats life. there are many many like you. Please dont get upset about being turned down for admin jobs-everyones after them. school leaver, uni students, mums returning to work, old people, those who have been sacked from professional positions, the over qualified, benefit claimants absolutly everyone. there has never been a time when you have less chance of getting a job.

same as me really. we just need to make the best of it.

get a hooby, soemthing you really love and do that, try not to worry

Definitely get in touch with the company you interviewed with and ask for feedback.

My sister had an interview a few years ago after Uni and was informed she didn't get the job. After contacting them and asking for feedback, she was offered the job - they felt at her interview she didn't seem interested when it was nerves that was the problem for her. The subsequent telephone conversation proved she was interested and personable and the previous candidate turned out not to be a good fit. It's a good story as she's now in a job she loves that will ultimately lead to a fab career.

It's true also to say that many many jobs aren't advertised now, as employers are very worried about the volume of applications they'll get if they do advertise. A friend of mine dropped 23 CVs with covering letters into various places around the local area, got 3 interviews and a job out of it.

I relaly feel for you.

Firstly, you have not wasted this time, because you have provided childcare for your twins! This is a 'job' that you would have had to pay someone else to do, and I'm sure they were delighted to have their mum do it for those early years (I say that as a WOHM who still thinks one-to-one devoted care is vital on those early three years).

So, that job had to be done, and in all honesty, having twin babies and working may have just been too much, you may have found it stressful, twice as much illness and days off (I couldn't manage it even if others could).

Yes, an unblemished record is always better. But you MUST not take this personally. I don't know what sector you work in, but most are just shedding jobs like no-one's business. It's not a gender thing, I know very well qualified men who have an unbroken work record who are finding it hard to get a job, not just SAHM's.

The fact that you got an interview is actually a very positive sign, you need a few more of those. As others have said, ask for feedback after an interview, at least it may put your mind at rest as to why you didn't get the job, and there's no harm in being upbeat and letting them know that if other opportunities come along, you would like to be considered.

Katedan - you have NOT wasted the last 8 years!

In some ways I am in a similar situation - ambivalent about whether giving up my job to go freelance 8 years ago was the right decision. I too am job-hunting, and not having any luck so far - it's a tough climate. It's also particularly galling when you don't get a job you have been doing voluntarily or similar.

You WILL get back into work (and so will I!) - it's a question of finding the right thing and keeping at it. I am trying to send my CV on spec to as many people as I can, and see if they'll meet me to give advice about getting back into work. I'm meeting someone later today to do just that.

I imagine that if I'd been working full-time for the last 8 years, I'd probably be resentful of that decision too. I'm happy (to some extent at least) with the choices I have made, but now I need to change things. You do too!

Oh, and I also meant to say that I think we have to be resigned about going back into the job market at a lower level than we left it. There is definitely some truth in the fact that it's much easier to get a job when you have a job, so hopefully once we have our feet back in the door, more exciting things will come!

Really it's not your fault, the jobs market is TERRIBLE at the moment. I have a degree but am doing a very basic poorly paid admin job in a school (part-time) after staying at home with the kids for 4 years. I found out that 150 people went for that little part-time post, most of them very highly qualified with degrees. I think I was just very lucky.

In our local paper which used to have pages and pages of jobs, this has now dwindled to a couple of pages each week, and I'm in a big city. The professional jobs paper which I used to get aimed specifically at people with my degree is the same - used to show loads of jobs all over the country, and I had a look at it recently out of curiosity after a few years of not bothering and there were only 3 jobs in the whole country for that fortnight's listings. I was truly shocked.

Things are really bad at the moment. Really bad. So take heart that it's no reflection on you and your abilities, it's just the way it is at the moment.

As others have said, who's to say that the job you originally had would still be there anyway in this climate? The problem is, no-one who gave up their job a few years ago could possibly have foreseen the jobs market getting this bad.

If I were you I would try and feel positive that you have done the best thing for your children. Keep on with the voluntary work and know that you are doing some good there, when voluntary organisations are struggling at the moment too. Keep on with the job applications,and definitely call them to get feedback - the fact that you ring to follow up will show that you're more interested in someone else who is just appyling for any old job.

Could you try and do a college course that isn't 3 or 4 years long? Just to keep your brain ticking over? It could also open a few doors in terms of socialising with new friends etc.

Fingers crossed you get sorted with something that is right for you very soon.

Just to add that although volunteering can be great, to help you back into work it needs to be pretty focussed. It makes sense to volunteer for the type of work you want to do. However, most organisations only give the volunteers the more fun bits of work. To be really useful you need to do all the more boring and more difficult bits as well.

We employed someone who had been long term unemployed after she had been volunteering in the city council's personnel department. Her personal history raised questions about whether she could cope with an office environment. But the fact that she had volunteered and had been answering phones, typing letters and dealing with enquiries, swung it for us. If she had been volunteering for example, listening to children read at a primary school, she wouldn't have got the job.

But it is a tough market out there at the moment.

If it makes you feel any better here's my story

I have trained for years and worked like a dog for more than 10 in my career, I really mean like a dog, nights, weekends, Christmas you name it, My career involves exams and costs me a fair bit to do.
I was poached from one job to another on a temp contract and promised the perm role the contract was allowed to run on for a couple of years with no sign of them advertising the perm role, I had a baby, baby got very sick, the moment he left hospital my employer advertised my job and gave it to someone else.

I have been looking for a job there have been no suitable openings in my area for over a year now

Currently I regret almost every minute I spent at work, I missed out on so much of my childrens childhood and they are getting older now

Who's wasted what now?

(more bad things happened hence my name but they're not relevant to this post)

good luck you'll get something

Don't feel so down about this. The reality of the situation is that you are more likely to get a job when you have children if you are already employed and can show that juggle home/family/job sucessfully.

just go after any job that fits into your time requirements that is not too taxing and with little responsibility just to see how you cope!
You might be dissapointed not to be able to walk back into the level of job that you left 4 years ago, but it is better to take things gently to begin with when you have had an employment break.It gives you time to work out a good routine!

Believe me after a while if your capabilities shine through they will be recognised and you will be able to get a job/position that suits our level of skills.

Do ask for feedback from the interview, it could be helpful.

I went back into the job market when my twins were five, and I know how you are feeling!

Should rea"your" level of skills

Sorry my 'who has wasted what' bit sounds aggressive now I read it back

it wasn't supposed to

Don't try to second-guess your earlier decision to leave - you made the best decision possible at the time. I've worked full-time throughout my DD's three years of life, and I'm now facing redundancy. Job applications are a complete scrum these days, but it can't be like this for ever

You've made a huge career sacrifice to have your children and at the time it was the right thing to do. That's a fact but now it's time to think about yourself. Think about what it is that you really want to do for the rest of your long working life. It might not be what you've done in the past. You've done your 'fitting around the kids' bit of your career and you could work full time now if you really wanted to.

I'll bet you're organised, good at budgetting and a successful multi-tasker who knows the value of work. You've already got one interview and you've got a big advantage over the 'might get pregnant' applicants. (Brutal but true)

You also have a huge advantage in that you are used to getting by without your salary. Anything you earn will be extra, so be choosy what you apply for. You might need to study more, or do some focussed volunteering but always have the aim in mind that by a fixed time, say when DC start secondary school, your aim is to be.....

I'd bet money that you're cleverer than you think you are. The real dozies have no idea!

'I am not very clever'. Your post is perfectly eloquent so stop giving yourself negative feedback! Getting a first job is always tough - there is so much competition. It's hard to remain positive when you don't get the outcome you'd like however, I genuinely think even getting to interview is a big step - you are obviously doing lots right. Don't waste you energy regretting the past.

Wisecamel is right. My DH runs a business and actively looks for people like you (mums getting back into the job market) as he finds them organised, hardworking, good at prioritising etc. He goes far more by personality and interview than CV.

Your confidence has been knocked - you'll get there, keep going

OP, I feel for you, but you really need to get a little perspective. You've been knocked back at ONE interview, which you were expecting to walk because you'd already been doing the job voluntarily.

Looking for a job is a full-time job in itself. Realistically, you can expect to apply for many, many jobs and be cruising the job boards and firing out applications on a daily basis.

And yes, the fact that you left the employment market for four years does mean that you can expect to return at a lower level, but your experience should mean that it will be much quicker for you to work your way back up the ladder than someone who's just left school/uni. Your work skills, team skills, people skills and general nouse will be at a much higher level than some 20 yr old kid.

You also sound a bit depressed, which not only affects you and your kids, it also affects your job prospects. People enjoy the company of positive people, they like to have them around, they perceive them as dynamic, intelligent and confident, they hire them. If you're feeling negative, this will come across in the way you present yourself at interview. So try to look after yourself, get some exercise, eat well, be well-groomed and ready for work, and remind yourself every day of the positive things you've achieved and the positive steps you're taking to get your life back on track, and how brave you're being to face up to reality and take it on the chin.

Best of luck!

Thank you so much for all of your positive comments. I am actually in tears reading them as I have left it all day to come back to MN as I was scared that people would tell me it was my own fault and I should pull myself together. It means alot that you took time to reply and give such constructive help. I will phone tomorrow and ask for feedback (ripped the rejection up in 100 pieces so will have to look up the phone number from my voluntary records!) This was not the first job I have been rejected from but the first I really thought I stood a chance with and got an interview for. If I had had a crystal ball and predicted this recession I would not have walked from my well payed job but there is no use looking back. I will try to stay positive and stop feeling sorry for myself THANK YOU.

I'm in a similar situation, our youngest having just started school. Try not to think of it as time wasted though as you spent it with your lovely twins (at least, I assume they are lovely!).

The reality is, even if you had been working for the last 8 years, you may still not have got the job as unemployment is so high currently - so at least you got to spend time with your children. That's what I am telling myself anyhow!

Great response, OP, good for you. You'll be fine.