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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Present dilemma....not sure if IABU

46 replies

shinyblackgrape · 15/02/2011 22:07

I really can't work out if IAMBU in relation to my birthday present from DP.

It was my birthday last week and I hadn't asked for a specific present. However, no big deal as usually DP will ask me what I would like and we will get it the following weekend.

This year, he bought me a nice bunch of flowers on the day which was much appreciated.

I thought I might want a pair of earrings. However, on the night of my birthday, he took me out for dinner (again very kind) and told me that he was going to take me away for the weekend. I suggested a few places that I would like to go but was told they were too far away so I kind of got a feeling that DP had a place in mind that he wanted to go to as it was a place that would like. It is very nice (of course) to take me away for the weekend. However, I didn't really get the feeling that it was a present for me.

I need a new phone. So tonight I was googling for deals. I found one which needs a £99 down payment on the phone. So I mentioned this to DP and said that, in fact, this would be a great present as I would really like an iphone. I would pay the monthly tariff.

DP then proceeded to tell me that I was "selfish" and "spoilt" and have rejected his lovely present. I pointed out that I don't actually feel that it is a present for me. I am taking him away for his birthday in April and he has chosen the hotel/location etc. I haven't been allowed any input as to hotel, location, date etc. Whilst it is a very kind present, I would actually prefer the downpayment. DP is now in an enormous huff.

After typing this, I realise that this no doubt appears extremely trivial. However, I am really upset at DP's reaction. I don't think I am being spoilt (prepares to stand corrected). My view is that if there is something that DP would like for his birthday, I will happily get it for him if I can afford it. I would rather return a present or buy something else that I had originally planned if he preferred it. DP, on the other hand, appears mortally offended by my rudeness.

AIBU?

OP posts:

radiohelen · 15/02/2011 22:31

Nah - he doesn't need the BJ.. you are engaged - he needs to get used to not getting them ;)

Original poster

shinyblackgrape · 15/02/2011 22:31

Thank you all for your posts.

I have no idea what any of them say after Eviscerates as I am too embarassed to read them.

OP posts:

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 15/02/2011 22:36

"He may have been planning to go somewhere that he woudl like, but what's wrong with wanting to share somewhere he thinks is nice with you??"

What happens if it happens to be a place she doesn't like?

OP on the face of it YAB a leetle U, as for the BJ depends on if he's sulking or not.

MirandaGoshawk · 15/02/2011 22:37

I'm going to buck the trend and say YANBU.

The problem lies in communication, or lack of. You didn't tell him what you wanted, so he made the decision, and it wasn't right. That doesn't make you spoilt, just not very good at acting thrilled! Was the same with me on my birthday - I got handcream. £30 worth of posh handcream from L'Occitane, but still handcream. Next year I'm going to put more effort into telling him exactly what I do & don't want, and I suggest you do the same!

Original poster

shinyblackgrape · 15/02/2011 22:39

But why did he make the decision and deviate from the last 5 years worth of birthdays and Christmases?

However, I shall be explicitly clear in future

OP posts:

fidelma · 15/02/2011 22:39

Also if he brings you flowers often and you also go out for dinner often the night away of his choice doesn't sound that thoughtful.
He cant win.

Time to kiss and make up.He sound pretty sweet.

Get yourself a new phone next month!

tabulahrasa · 15/02/2011 23:18

flowers, dinner and a weekend away?

I once got smartprice duvet set for my birthday, for a kingsize bed (only has a double bed)

brass · 15/02/2011 23:37

oooo don't knock the kingsize duvet on a regular bed. Means theres plenty of covers to snuggle in even if DP is thrashing about or vice versa.

mumpalumps · 15/02/2011 23:56

possibly a surprise party - 4 miles from home suggests easy to get to for friends and family

tabulahrasa · 16/02/2011 00:02

but I didn't get the actual duvet - I wouldn't have minded a bigger duvet as much, lol

brass · 16/02/2011 09:04

you just got the covers tabula? Well yes that is pants!

TheSkiingGardener · 16/02/2011 09:12

I don't think you are being that unreasonable. You and DP have a pattern around birthdays and he has changed that. However, you are both being unreasonable not to TALK about it and realise these misunderstandings are going to happen from time to time.

Apologise, discuss it, and then decide to do both

FreudianSlippery · 16/02/2011 09:24

I don't know actually, it's a bit weird that while you let him choose his birthday trip, but you aren't allowed to choose yours?

What made you think this trip was more for him than you - is it just a 'gut feeling'?

zikes · 16/02/2011 09:26

I don't think it's that unreasonable to be less than thrilled with a hotel break so close-by (unless there's more to it).

I mean it'd be one thing to go somewhere new or somewhere you've talked about as a surprise, but so local does just sound like a sex-weekend.

Maybe I'm boring, but I'd rather spend the money on something else and have sex at home ... I have been married a long time though .

FreudianSlippery · 16/02/2011 09:33

IMO, if you tell your DP "I'm going to take you away for the weekend" without already having booked it that implies that you will let them choose where THEY want to go!

If, however, you want to surprise them by taking them somewhere particular, you book it first and then say "guess what, this weekend we are going to xxxxxx"

fenner · 16/02/2011 10:15

I don't think YABU.

I think it was misguided to ask for the iphone. Instead, you should have gently told him you were disappointed because you felt like he hadn't really thought about what you wanted for your birthday (beyond the flowers and meal, of course), and had opted for something that you think he wants. This hurts you slightly because you have put time, energy and thought into planning his birthday trip (I'm assuming). The trip will reflect who he is and want he likes.

You'll probably need to make it clear this isn't about the money. You'd be happy with something of lesser financial value but that demonstrated that he listens to you and thinks about who you are and what you like.

fenner · 16/02/2011 10:18

I'll also don't think cross-relationship comparisons are useful here. People have different relationships, different levels of disposable income, different established patterns of gift giving. A more meaningful comparator is what he has given you in years past, or what you are giving him. The problem with using the latter to compare is that you are probably more sensitive and thoughtful about these things, and therefore a better gift giver. He may feel he can't compete or match you and so gives up.

And I suppose there's always the off chance that he actually thought you wanted a city centre break...

toddlerama · 16/02/2011 10:33

Awkard...I don't think YABU, but I can see that he might.

Had a similar situation with DH on my birthday this year. He was going to be away with work on my birthday, which was unavoidable, and a couple of days before I said I would like a cheap sewing machine. He said it would still be too expensive (we were saving for something else at the time) and he was planning to buy me some nice flowers. I said flowers were a complete waste of money, would die within a week and cost about £40 anyway. I found a sewing machine for £40 which did everything I wanted and thought that it was a done deal. Turned out he had already ordered the flowers to be delivered on my birthday, card at the florist, already paid for etc etc. I felt like shit. Not really the desired effect but there you go. Neither of us were particularly unreasonable, but we both felt hard done by! Just chalk it up to experience, gratefully accept the hotel trip and hope that the phone can be got another time. I still haven't got a sodding sewing machine though....

Bogeyface · 16/02/2011 10:39

I dont think YABU at all tbh.

As someone else said, he chooses where he wants to go for his birthday and then chooses for yours too! Thats hardly fair.

There is a chance that he had a brainwave and this is all part of an elaborate plan but I somehow doubt it! He obviously wants to go to this place and is sulking because you said you didnt.

If you have always done birthdays a certain way, and then he decideds to do it a different way without discussing it with you first then he can hardly take umbridge if you dont immediately agree.

All that said, I can see from his POV that he has made the effort to do something and you dont want to, so he is feeling that you have chucked it back in his face.

Some straight talking needed here I think!

melikalikimaka · 16/02/2011 10:47

I'm not being funny what's so special about a week end away, Venice is crap! That was my DH idea, I hated it. I would rather have the phone, it's more practical. You are going away for his birthday as well. And... lastly what's the difference,in your bed at home or some bed that a million people have bonked in!

BalloonSlayer · 16/02/2011 11:38

"why is it for him?"

because he gets to go on the weekend too. Is it HIS birthday? I THINK NOT.

Therefore she is getting something for her birthday that he gets when it's not his birthday.

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