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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have told DS to not bother with this "friend" anymore?

32 replies

superv1xen · 15/02/2011 17:59

DS is 4.10. today, just after school we nipped into the shop across the road from his school. its always busy in there at school run times and there were lots of children in there.

while we were queuing there was a boy with his mum behind us. i shall call him "Tyler" for the purposes of thir post. DS clearly knew "Tyler" from school, so he waved and said a cheery "hello!!" to him. "Tyler" sneered back in his face at him "I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND DS!!!!" really spitefully :( ds's poor little face looked crestfallen, and i was embarassed for DS because there were loads of kids from his school there who saw and heard it :(

my face was like this>> Shock at his rudeness, all DS had done was say hello Confused "Tyler's" mum half heartedly said, "oooh don't be horrible" to her son. i have to admit to giving her and her son daggers. Blush if DS had spoken so meanly to another child, especially for NO reason, i would have pulled him up sharply and told him off properly.

when we left the shop (and was out of earshot of the mother) i said to DS, is "Tyler" your friend, and he said yes, I said, well do you know what DS, friends don't speak to friends like that, i wouldn't bother with him again. and told him the boy was nasty and spiteful and not worth being friends with.

i think i am a bit over sensitive when it comes to things like this, i was bullied at school and struggled making friends etc, and i am scared my DC will be the same, so i am always wanting to make sure they are popular. and i still wish i had stood up to the people who bullied me, i always want my DC to stand up to people, ie, in this case, kind of screw you then, i don't want to be YOUR friend either.

do you think i shouldn't have said anything to DS, perhaps was just that "tyler" was having an off day Hmm but doubt it as he looked a nasty little thug

OP posts:
lazylula · 16/02/2011 13:49

Ds1 is 5 and I have had a couple of experiences recently where children from his class have called his name and said hello to him and he has blatantly ignored them, despite my encouragement to say hello. I know not quite the same as what happened to you, as ds1 isn't being agressive but he is being rude and I find it very embarrassing and awkward, so that may be how that mum felt and I think you were being unreasonable to give her a dirty look. I will tell ds1 he is being rude but try not to draw anymore attention to the situation until we are alone and then I deal with it firmly. Last time it happened he ended up having thinking time when we got home, to think about how he would feel if he were to be ignored.
I also have to say yabu to tell him not to bother with him again, I would have played it off as a bad day and told ds1 to ignore what had happened and move on.

BlueFergie · 16/02/2011 14:26

Yes I have to say I was a little surprised at your reaction here. At 4 children don't really have the understanding of how their words and actions can hurt other people (emotionally I mean, they get physical hurt). I believe a full sense of empathy does not develop properly unitl 7 or 8.
My DD is 4 and if I encouraged her not to be friends with anyone who said they were not her friend at one stage or another then she would have very few left. At this age they are just exploring relationships and some seem to think that they can have only one friend, so whoever is their friend that day means there is no room for anyone else.
I am sure at 4 that little boy was not intentionally being spiteful and vicious, he is just feeling his way through establishing boundaries and relationships just like your son is.
I know my DD can appear a bit rude sometimes when other kids say hello she will often ignore them. This si just because she get embarassed for some reaon. I encourage her to reply but don't force her to, instead I say hello to the child myself so they are not hurt.
In your position at the time I probably would have said 'Oh never mind DS, Tyler is probably just in a bad mood' and left it at that. Afterwards if he mentioned it again I would have said that it was not a nice thing to say but not to take any notice some peole say mean things sometimes.
As for giving the kid and his mother daggers I think that was a bit unneccessary. The mother did correct him, what else would you have liked her to do? Force him to engage with your son, put him in time out in a busy shop? Would it have not been even worse for your son for her to have created a scene with hers?

Lox · 16/02/2011 14:30

In terms of your son upsetting 'Tyler' - what if your son was paying with another child that Tyler wanted to play with? If the other child said 'NO, I am enjoying my game with OP's son, I don't want to play with you'. A 4 year old might feel hurt and 'not like' your son until they have had a sleep and return to normal!

However, I have told my DD1 some children aren't nice lets play with the nice children instead. :)

amberleaf · 16/02/2011 14:32

Why are you so sure that your son hadnt been horrible to 'Tyler' and what he said in the shop was him standing up to your son?

Maybe your son has been horrible to him and his mum has told him if people are horrible to him they are not his friend?

Edinburghlass · 16/02/2011 15:23

My daughter is 4 and regularly tells me I'm not her friend. In fact I think all the kids at nursery say it during the day, whenever they're not getting their own way. I tell her it's not a nice thing to say because it makes the other person feel sad, but I don't make a big deal of it, as I think it's all part of growing up. In your case, the mother gave Tyler a bit of a ticking off and I think I'd have been content with that.

Chil1234 · 16/02/2011 15:45

YABU... It wasn't a nice thing for the child to say and you were right to point this out, but it's going to cause your son a problem if he doesn't bother any more with anyone that he has a cross word with in primary school. He'll just end up friendless and isolated. If someone's being nasty on a regular basis to the point of bullying then that's different and it's not acceptable. But 4 year-olds are famously horrid one day and nice as pie the next. Be careful.

pigletmania · 16/02/2011 16:28

Though not nice don't worry about it. I would have said to the boy that it was not very nice, and leave it at that. Like another poster said they are only little, would not be so tolerant of an older child though

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