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Original poster

Children seeing their dad

26 replies

FrecklesH · 15/02/2011 14:12

Hi, sorry, new here so I dont know where this post should go.

I just to either rant or if anyone can give wise words then great.

Short version of it, I have 2 children (8,10) their dad and I divorced some years ago. He went into a relationship straight away with a girl who didn't like the children so he rarely saw them.

After 2 years he got with his now wife, and saw them mostly every other weekend. He then told me he didnt want to see the children again, the children were about 5,7 at the time.

I got in contact with a solicitor about it. But didnt hear from him for nearly 2 years. About a year ago, my eldest asked about dad, so I agreed to get in contact with him, at the same time their dad was trying to contact us.

So he started seeing the children again, not regularly though and him and his wife asked if they could have the children for a 2 week half term last year, I agreed but then they only ended up having them for the last weekend of the holiday as they kept on changing their minds.

Their dad phoned me last night, saying he is going to go to the solicitor about seeing them regularly, but I have never stopped him !
But my youngest doesn't like going there, for reasons I dont want to go into.

He also said he would take them out after school this week, but in the same phone conversation he changed the time he was having them 3 times !

I don't know what to do for the best. I have an appointment to go and see solicitor about what to do.

The thing is I have aways played it his way, never made a fuss about him not seeing them in the early days, he doesn't pay towards them, and never stopped him from seeing them again after 2 years of nothing.

Anyway, rant over.

OP posts:
BusyMissIzzy · 15/02/2011 14:18

Can you sit down with him and the kids and try to sort something without involving solicitors? At 8 and 10 they're old enough to have a say in what they want, I think.

OTOH getting something in writing would mean he'd have to be less flaky about changing arrangements, which might make things easier for you.

Chil1234 · 15/02/2011 14:21

Sounds like the solicitor is the best route. Given that he blows hot and cold about seeing his children depending on who he happens to be with at the time, it should be largely your decision on time and duration of stays. If it was more formally agreed - and that's a pity but sometimes necessary - then he wouldn't be able to change his mind quite so easily.

solooovely · 15/02/2011 14:26

What a shitbag!

GloriaSmut · 15/02/2011 14:32

He's fucking about and it'll fuck up all your heads if he is allowed to carry on.

So ask the children what they would really like to happen, regarding access. Then write a reasoned letter to your ex-husband setting out some suggested arrangements. If you get nowhere with this approach then see a solicitor.

orangehead · 15/02/2011 14:38

From my experience they carry on messing you and the children about and when it does go wrong it was all my fault. It eventually all came to head and I put my foot down and told him he could only see them supervised (some serious isues of neglect going on). He said no and bogged off for a year then took me to court. Although it as horrible going through court in hindsight it was the best thing, they wiped the floor with him and told him how close he was to losing all contact with them and made him have supervised contact till proved his issues were resolved. It made him face up to his responsilities. He has now been seeing them unsupervised for 3 years and as a father I can not fault him in these past 3 years.
Im not saing you need to go to court but sometmes a third party either a solicitor or mediation can help them listen and stop all the messing around. You need some official arrangement of contact so you all know where you are up to

Original poster
FrecklesH · 15/02/2011 14:46

Thanks for the replies. I like the shitbag reply, made me smile.

Do you think I should tell him, that until its sorted one way or another then he can't have the children or wait for solicitor to write to him about it ?

Thanks again.

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 15/02/2011 14:48

The solicitor was his idea - shouldn't come as a surprise, in other words - so I would go with your last suggestion.

MoonGirl1981 · 15/02/2011 14:49

I imagine the first thing a solicitor wil do is ask why he hasn't paid anything all these years.

At 8 and 10 the court would ask your children what they want. If your youngest doesn't like going there then that's that in my opinion.

I'd let him go to the solicitor. If they write to you then explain exactly what's been going on with the messing around and yes/noness of him saying he wants to see them. Also tell them that he doesn't pay anything towards them - I think that speaks volumes.

GypsyMoth · 15/02/2011 14:52

is he working??

GypsyMoth · 15/02/2011 14:54

solicitors are nothing to do with maintenence,and neither are the courtd,so you need to keep these two issues separate......contact the csa.

are you sure you are as reasonable over access as you are telling us here??

because solicitors,and ultimately court,all cost £££££££

Rhadegunde · 15/02/2011 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

orangehead · 15/02/2011 14:55

Actually they dont take into account them not paying apparently it not relevant, which I think is disgusting and agree with you moongirl that it speaks volumes.
My ex never paid anything and solicitor and court were not interested in that at all

GypsyMoth · 15/02/2011 15:01

no because they cant get bogged down with maintenenc e issues when there is already a separate gov body to do that......thats why it was brought in!! the courts are busy enough!!

Original poster
FrecklesH · 15/02/2011 15:03

He works for cash in hand. So nothing on the books. He was meant to have them this Sunday just gone, but then said "no Im working" his stupidity at telling me he works is just overwhelming.

I have never said no to him about having the children, only said no when its half way through a day and we are doing something ourselves and when the children say they dont want to go (like Saturday just gone)

My youngest was shouted at my his wife the last time they went and also her step brother said something to her, which was for grown up ears only and not suitable for step brother and sister. You can figure out what may have been said. I was told by 1 person that I should be worried as now anything can happen when they are there. And told by another person "guessing her dad is a reasonable dad nothing will happen"
but I dont think he is reasonable.

I don't really care about the money, as I pointed it out to him in the phone call yesterday, when the children are old enough they will simply be told dad didnt help with anything they have.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 15/02/2011 15:07

so he will qualify for legal aid and you have welfare issues here?

GypsyMoth · 15/02/2011 15:07

will you qualify for legal aid?

JBellingham · 15/02/2011 15:07

Court is for contact / access. They have nothing to do with money. The money issue can be sorted out by the CSA.

The court may get CAFCASS in to take the views of your children, and depending on their age will depend on how much weight their views have. In my limited experience younger than about 12 and the court tends to give less weight to what the child wants and more to what the court thinks they need.

Unless there are some very strong reasons not to, most familt court will allow some sort of access by the father eventually (even if just supervised) to younger children.

orangehead · 15/02/2011 15:08

Yeah I understand it just frustrating when they claiming they are caring dads when in reality they dont care enough to contribute to making sure they are well fed have clothes on thier backs etc. Plus the csa are crap, I have been dealing with them for nearly 7 years and still he manages to get away with not paying. Anyway I will shut up now as talking about csa could take up a whole new thread Wink

cestlavielife · 15/02/2011 15:17

best is a set schedule which the kids are happy with.

so write and offer him a set schedule maybe once per week for now.

offer to review this in three months.

you could also offer something for easter holidays.

Original poster
FrecklesH · 15/02/2011 16:09

I think I will qualify as my wages arent enough, I have checked with the online form but the solicitor said to everything in for them to calculate as well.

I did ask him to come round here, maybe have dinner with them both as it will be quality time with just the 3 of them. He said no and that they will have to fit around them, I also asked him to stop swearing at them, as we dont here but he said with a family of 5 you cant expect any swearing.

I dont mind the children going to him, if they want to, since seeing him from last year, I always ask "you do want to go" and they use to say no, until my youngest came home and cried about getting shouted at my her step mum, so she stopped going the step brother thing happened when she didnt go, he had said in school in front of other children and a teacher who overheard it and they "dealt with it" which meant I wasn't made aware of it by them.

I really don't know what to do, 1 minute I think I should really only let me see them under supervision and the next that he should have them every other weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrecklesH · 15/02/2011 16:15

Sorry I meant They use to say Yes about visiting him.

I cant find an edit button on here

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 15/02/2011 16:17

er,saying 'do you want to go' is not the right thing to be saying.....its really important they have a relationship with their dad. you dont give them a choice about going to school or the dentist,thi is no different

alot of what you say isnt really going to prevent access if it gets to court stage

Original poster
FrecklesH · 15/02/2011 16:34

Er, I never said he can't see the children and we both decided that after not seeing them for 2 years then it would be up to the children themselves what they wanted to do.

I also never said anything about going to court about preventing access to them.

He said he was going to see a solicitor about seeing them every other weekend. So I have also booked to see one and just wanted to see what people thought of the situation and I don't know what to do with the situation.

The last time I went to see about access my solicitor mentioned supervised access, but I don't want what the solicitor thinks maybe the harshest thing for him, I want what is the best for the children.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 15/02/2011 16:38

solicitors are not legally binding,theyare not well placed to say it should be supervised/weekly/overnight etc....they really can only advise about the law.

supervised access is almost always a temporary thing,with the aim to move to unsupervised in a very short time. it wont keep your dc out of his home or away from other family members.

your children are young,how can you leave it to them to do 'what they want'???

Original poster
FrecklesH · 15/02/2011 16:45

Sorry I dont know what dc means.

When we first got divorced it was on paper through the divorce that he should see them every other weekend. But it was he that walked away after a couple of years.

Because we didnt want to force the children to go and see him after 2 years of nothing. Having my daughter come home crying saying she doesnt want to see him after only 6 months of being in contact again isnt a great thing to hear.

And before any questions, I dont slag him off in front of the children, I dont even mention him at all in any way unless hes at the door asking for them.

OP posts:
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