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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think dp shouldnt claim sat mornings as his own?

15 replies

familyfun · 15/02/2011 14:08

dp works mon-fri 7am-3pm, normally home by 4pm.
he works most saturdays 12-7pm
he works 1 or 2 evenings a month.
the saturdays and evenings are a parttime job which he enjoys, chooses to do and earns ok money.
he also goes to the gym once a week for 2 hrs, pub once a week for 2 hrs, meeting with a meal once a fortnight 5 hrs so has time for himself.

im a sahm through choice, i look after dd (3.7) and dd2 (12 weeks) every day and also saturdays and evenings while dp works or goes out.
i currently have no time for myself as i bf dd2, i was going to a gym class 2 hrs a week but now just pop to shop for a breather once a week.

dps saturday/evening work is coming to a natural end.

i said when it does i would like the chance to either get a saturday job and ern a bit of my own money or go to night school/college and learn something before looking for parttime work when dd2 is school age.

dp thinks that because he has always had saturdays for his job that when the job ends saturdays become his free time to d whatever he chooses, like mor time at gym or another sport.

am i wrong? ive known him 8 years and always supported his choice to work saturdays but feel its my turn now.

aibu?

OP posts:
wolfhound · 15/02/2011 14:12

Yep he's wrong. Totally, utterly, screamingly wrong. But if he doesn't feel he's wrong, it's going to be tough to show him.

yama · 15/02/2011 14:13

Agree with Wolfhound.

Plumm · 15/02/2011 14:14

YANBU - when are you supposed to get time to yourself if he won't spend time with his children?

LaurieFairyCake · 15/02/2011 14:18

I wouldnt make a bug deal about saturdays but would have a general conversation about you getting to do things (only so you don't tie yourself to saturdays as there's rarely evening classes then) - he is of course wrong - and a bit of a twat (sorry!).

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/02/2011 14:18

He is very wrong, he couldn't be more wrong in fact.

YellowCecil · 15/02/2011 14:19

YNBU. Maybe your partner hasn't really thought through your point of view? (its sexist to say so but IMO men can sometimes be a little obtuse when it comes to others feelings unless they are pointed out!) Is it possible to have a calm conversation with him when you express what it feels like to be primary carer with no time to self? Once he's thought about it he may be more sympathetic.

You could remind him that you can split up the new free time - he can have the evenings if you have the saturdays for example? On the subject of nightschool can you bribe him with the extra money you will be able to earn when DD2 goes to school if you get extra training?

familyfun · 15/02/2011 14:20

dont get me wrong, when he is in he is a very hands on dad, he will literally play from 4pm till bath time and put dd to bed and spends all sunday playing. he baths dd2 and even changes her in the night if she wakes.

its just he feels his time is his time. he has even mentioned looking for another saturday job but i want a job.

i loved my job pre dd and although i love being a sahm it is a temporary measure till they are at school.

i have said to him that i gave up a 37 hr a week job to look after dds and therefore shouldnt have to cover every minute or every day.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 15/02/2011 14:21

It doesn't have to be saturdays, but you do need to have time to yourself as much as he does.

So don't fixate on it being saturday, just make sure he understands that you have as much right to take regular time out as he does and you will be!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/02/2011 14:22

His 'free time' can be more flexible than yours if you want to do a course or get a part time job. How about find out about those, pick what you want to do and husband has his 'free time' around that?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 15/02/2011 14:23

ask him "if your time is your time, when is my time? Or do I not get time?"

familyfun · 15/02/2011 14:24

i will be back at gym class when dd2 doesnt need bf as often.
no it doesnt have to be a saturday, he always says go out etc but its hard when i have to work round when he is out, i will just start booking things up and telling him.

OP posts:
EightiesChick · 15/02/2011 14:27

Agree with the others and especially with lyingwitch above. Once you have an actual plan about, say, a gym session on Saturday at 9am or an evening class on Wednesday at 8pm, then it will be easier to say 'Look, you go to the pub every Tuesday, this is my equivalent'.

True that it doesn't have to be a Saturday, but then again 'me time' on a Saturday has more chance to spread that it does on weekday evenings, usually, so it's only fair that if one partner has had this for years, then the other should get a turn. I would actively look for something on a Saturday and then take it from there.

StuffingGoldBrass · 15/02/2011 14:41

You need regular time for you just as much as he does. A marriage where one partner (usually the woman) gets no childfree,chore-free time for leisure is a marriage that's going to run into trouble fairly quickly.

familyfun · 16/02/2011 23:11

told dp how i felt and how im not coping too well and he understands more and is booking some time off to have family time and some much needed fun Smile
will definitely get myself some stuff booked

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 16/02/2011 23:14

Get a babysitter, and get HIM to pay for it.

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