to be annoyed with DH?

[Bogeyface]

I am not sure if I am over reacting or not....

Dh bought a friend home last night after work, which was bloody irritating in itself but he had just given DH a lift so I reined that one in, I am not totally U! I was just in a massive amount of pain last night so not in the best of moods. But, did that colour my feelings to what happened next and am I infact BU even though i feel that I am not (dont we all?!)

Friend asks about the pregnancy and I said when I was due and friend said that I had better have it before X date as that is his birthday. I just said that I couldnt control when she came and he should be honoured to share his birthday (was all very jokey) and he said no, it was because he would want DH to go out with him for his birthday. And then said that oh, they could wet the babys head at the same time and DH could stay over at friends place so he didnt have to get home when he was plastered.

I am having a home birth, will be recovering from SPD so who knows how I will be mobility-wise as it took several weeks to be ok again last time. We have 5 other kids at home including 3 at primary school. Do you see where this is going?

Now friend has no kids, and although is 42, he is still the party boy he always was and treats his birthday like the event of the year. DH and I have gone occasionally but always together and have always come home afterwards. So I dont expect him to understand that DH buggering off for the night and leaving me to it, possibly within days and certainly within a couple of weeks, of me giving birth isnt really on. But DH..........didnt say ANYTHING. So in the end I said that I didnt think DH would be in any fit state to go out drinking, again in a jokey way but trying to make a point. Friend then said that I didnt understand that he must go out and wet the babys head and its traditional and basically implying that I was being selfish by objecting.

AGain, I didnt expect him to understand, although I was bloody annoyed. But again DH didnt say anything. We have discussed this whole "wetting the babys head" thing, as it is a big tradition amongst his mates but it is only ever done with the first when the wife is in hospital. Rarely is it done for a second or subsequent, and again all of the wives have been in hospital and the other child at grandmas, so no one is relying on the husband. He agreed (albeit reluctantly) that getting shitfaced (which is what they do ) and leaving me to it within days of the birth isnt happening. He doesnt normally go out with his mates much, we tend to socialise as couples. So when they do its a real lads party.

I think that he actually agrees with his mate that I am being selfish.

AIBU to have expected him to say something to his mate, even along the lines of "We'll see" !!

Yawn

Yawn

Meant to say that him getting arseholed means that he would spend the next day in bed and be no bloody use when he was up, or staying over at a mates.

Either way, its me on my own with the kids for 24 hours within a few days of having a baby at home.

Sixty,

Yes? Have I woken you?

I think the fact that he didnt say anything means he probably knows he wont be going but that its ages away yet and he'd feel better saying to his mate at the time 'I'm not able to leave DW and the kids yet, sorry' rather than say now 'I'm not coming no matter what' and have his friend try and persuade him for weeks!

I think the friend sounds like an idiot but that your DH hasnt actually done anything wrong.

Have you actually asked DH what he thinks? Because you might just be getting worked up over nothing.

Friend sounds like a twat though.

YANBU imo. I would not have been happy if my DH planned to go out and get shitfaced, leaving me with all the kids. I would be esp pissed off if I was not well.

I think your DH's friend is just thoughtless. He doesn't know any better, but also has a vested interest in implying that you are selfish. He wants to go out with your DH, no matter what, and doesn't really know or care about your perspective.

Your DH, should have said that he will be giving the piss up a miss, because you will have a newborn and other DC to look after. He sounds a bit weak to me, so hope he is better in other respects.

He is normally very good at being honest and wont do something just to keep others happy. The fact that he didnt this time leads me to believe that he is in fact more pissed off about this than he is letting on. He certainly wasnt too chuffed when I pointed out just how hard it would be for me if he did do the big piss up.

I agree with Tallulah, your DH not saying anything actually gives him an easy get out clause because he hasn't actually said he's going, I think you're getting wound up about something that hasn't even happened, or is likely to happen

A few possibilities:

1. Your DH is a bit under this friend's thumb when they're together - hence not speaking up perhaps? This guy sounds like his way is the only way, so maybe trying to convince him otherwise on the spot is pointless?

1. Your DH really wants to go. If, as you say, he doesn't get out that much then it doesn't sound like him getting shitfaced is a regular problem. Maybe a compromise for now will do - you don't know how it's going to go, you don't know how you're going to feel. But to appear 100% inflexible right now will just seem that YABU. (Although how far off is your EDD? Couldn't spot that.)

If you were feeling ok after the birth and he did go out, I think the compromise would be that he would have fun, but not end up passed out on someone's floor, only to turn up two days later, missing his shoes, looking like death and no help to you.

FWIW this friend sounds a bit of a twunt, I have friends who are in their 40s without kids but they would never suggest that their birthday should take priority if I was due around that time. And I have to say, I'm very glad my DP has nice male friends who aren't lager lads.

Sounding harsh here, but he chose to have 6 children. Having a family (esp a large family)means that you can't always go out and do what you want, when you want. Caring for the DC and his wife comes first. I would talk to him and see if you have got the wrong end of the stick, but if you haven't, then turn it back on him and make him explain how you are being selfish, but he isn't?

I'd just wait and see tbh.
If he never ever goes out on his own without you and this is a tradition of a once a year night out on his friends birthday then DH might just be hoping that maybe it will all work out. You cant really tell in advance can you?
If the baby comes a week or more before the night out and you are feeling well - you may even be feeling a lot better than you do now if you have SPD then why cant he go?
On the other hand, if you are struggling then of course he should stay home.
I'd wait and see what the situation is at the time. Hes probably not pleased at you saying 'no, definitely not going no matter what' now and would rather you said 'lets see how we feel at the time'

Although I can understand why you're spitting, isn't it likely that he didn't want to be ridiculed by his immature mate by joining you in saying he couldn't possibly go out. Does he really intend to go or are you just assuming he is because he didn't say anything to the contrary?

I would try not to make a big deal out of it tbh. When the baby arrives the whole thing will probably just go out of his mind - let's face it, he must like babies

In the nicest way possible I think you're being a bit U, perhaps hormones aren't helping.

No man wants to look like he's under the thumb in front of his friends. My DH is about as hands on 'new man-ish' as they get and he wouldn't feel comfortable with me saying to his friends that he couldn't go. Added to which you can't blame him for thinking that a night out with some friends would be great. He's probably also more than aware that he can't really go, but feels disappointed.

If you'd said nothing and let it go, then unless he's an arse then he's stay at home with you, but still save face with his friend.

Cut him some slack.

Thanks all.

I think my trouble is that I am a planner whereas DH isnt so although I have had a chat with him about this, he will probably be wondering why I am going on about something that isnt an issue yet! He would rather have a row the day before than come to an agreement a few weeks before when we both have a chance to think. Different strokes I guess.

The mate is a bit of a cock tbh. Whilst I dont expect childless friends to understand what life is like with kids and babies, he has no consideration at all. He would be the groom at a child free wedding expecting the mother of an EBF 3 month old to get a 24 hours baby sitter and then get stroppy when they dont, you know the type!

I wasnt sure if I was over reacting, but as I said the pain is giving me a very short fuse at the moment so it is really hard to judge if I am BU or just going off on one. Sounds like a bit of both this time! Will play it by ear :)

YABU .. the mate sounds a bit of a knob... your DH was just being non-commital to avoid getting into a big debate..

Had a similar situation...like you I got more annoyed that OH didn't say anything,and did obviously want to go. The fact that he didn't/your partner isn't gonna go speaks volumes. I think its just the guilt of him missing out thats affecting you. Once the babies here I'm sure he won't even be thinking about it :) Oh, and some friends without babies don't understand and probably don't realise their being insensitive pricks. Thats what I tell myself when I'm trying not to punch some of OH's mates (must admit I am the typical hormonal pregnant women )