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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this isn't fair...

15 replies

MsPitstop · 14/02/2011 10:35

So husband dearest provides childcare for his daughter (my stepdaughter, who I love lots but is 4 and a bit hyperactive)on Monday mornings (she sleeps over Sundays) and Friday mornings (she sleeps over Thursday nights).

When I got pregnant he said he would look after our baby on Mondays so she would only be in nursery 4 days a week when I went back to work full time. He is self employed.

About 3 weeks after I went back to work he got his mum to look after both kids on Mondays and I picked our daughter up from his mums which I was a bit embarassed about as she is quite old and I think it is a bit off asking her to look after a baby for a whole day.

Anyway, his mum is now ill and can't look after the kids so I have had to put our baby in nursery another day a week while he looks after my stepdaughter on Monday mornings and Friday mornings. Come the weekend he feels he has done his bit of childcare and is more than happy to let me 'enjoy the children'.

I have not had one single half hour to myself since christmas, except driving from work to home and vice versa.

Am I being unreasonable to think that this is a little unfair?

OP posts:

Plumm · 14/02/2011 10:36

Why is he looking after his older daughter but not his younger one? And how old is his older daughter?

TallulahDoesTheHula · 14/02/2011 10:37

Why cant he look after both children together on a Monday? I dont get it?

Sarsaparilllla · 14/02/2011 10:38

I don't understand, why is he only looking after one child on Mon & Fri mornings?

amberleaf · 14/02/2011 10:42

I think its wierd that you describe him having his older daughter as 'providing childcare for'??

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/02/2011 10:49

You've had a good innings with childcare for your baby from an elderly MIL who is now unwell. Now time to make your own provision - creche?

There's an age gap between your husband's daughter and your baby; different childcare requirements perhaps?

Foreverondiet · 14/02/2011 10:52

why can't he look after 2 children on monday morning? and either way need to set down which times at weekend he will look after kids so you have some time. I'd start with him looking after baby while she is asleep at lunchtime - and make a point of going out.

AMumInScotland · 14/02/2011 10:53

Does he feel unable to look after both children at the same time? I guess a very active 4 year old and a baby is a tricky combination, but if he's home and looking after one child, it does seem odd to pay for childcare for the other.

Maybe he needs more practice looking after both of them on Sundays so he can get the hang of it?

I certainly agree it is unfair if you are getting no free time, but he gets all of Saturday to do his own thing, and you need to discuss how you balance the workload between you. But I think you need to be cautious, as its only right that he does spend time with his older daughter, so you mustn't sound as if you resent that aspect of it.

altinkum · 14/02/2011 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bronze · 14/02/2011 10:56

amber- I suspect because the op is talking about the whole thing in the context of childcare. For the younger one too

Op-he needs to get real. They're both his children and there is no reason that he can't have both at the same time

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 14/02/2011 10:59

I agree with pp's, why can't he look after both of his children? There are plenty of other parents who look after two, or more, children. You need to sit him down and point out the unfairness of him leaving you to it all weekend as well. You should both have equal amounts of 'me' time.

Original poster

MsPitstop · 14/02/2011 11:02

He calls it childcare not me!

The older one is in nursery three days a week, Tues, Wed and Thurs.

I absolutely agree that he should spend time with his elder daughter and he says that is why he does it but somehow I can't help feeling a bit resentful that he uses this as an argument about the fact that he does his bit. It is very annoying as this is not helping me at all which I realise is very selfish but basically he is giving his ex a whole day off. And last time I went into town (kids in tow) I bumped into her shopping at John Lewis when she had told him she was working!

I really want to address it with him but it is very tricky as it is such a volatile subject. Help!

OP posts:

NoDiving · 14/02/2011 11:30

Giving his ex a day off?

No, he is taking care of HIS child, as he should

Sarsaparilllla · 14/02/2011 11:52

I don't see why it's a tricky subject really, if he has one child why can't he have both?

Dropdeadfred · 14/02/2011 11:56

wha reason does he give for not having both???

AMumInScotland · 14/02/2011 12:53

I really think you have to separate out the two parts of this - he has his daughter to stay because he is her father. The fact that his ex "gets a day off" or that she chooses to go shopping is irrelevant, and is nothing for you to get resentful about.

I'm not surprised its a volatile subject, if you are talking to him in the kind of way you're expressing it here.

The part where you do have a right to feel miffed is that he is not being fair to you or your daughter together by not spending time looking after her, and not taking your need for some time to yourself into consideration. It's fair for you to talk to him about that, and get him to make sure both sides of his family are treated fairly.

But don't make this an issue about his ex, as she isn't doing anything unreasonable in letting her daughter continue to have a good relationship with her father, and he isn't doing anything wrong in having her to stay.

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