to not want to return to work even if for a short time?

[Mirabelle77]

I had a thread yest about a silly argument, me and dh sorted it out and also discussed a bigger issue.

Dh got offered a better job , more money and responsibility last year, so I had just found out I was pregnant and he started staying away mon- fri for 4 months. It was very hard not seeing him but we got through it and when I started my mat leave I moved too.

We miss our family and friends very much I have made a couple of baby friends and tried to make the best of it but really I wish we had never moved. Dh feels the same too. Basically he said last night what if we move back and I go back to work full time while he looks for work, I can't deal with this I am happy to work part time , but returning to full time work was never my plan at this stage. Also my job involves late nights and weekend work.

I have offered to live with my mum with ds while he lives with his parents only an hours drive away but he doesn't want to be away from us. I feel physically sick at the thought of leaving ds but I really want to move back. He says it will be hard to get a job as it's so far to go to an interview. I don't care of he earns less money , I have realised it's not about money.

He seems to be offering a fair compromise that you could do for short term?

I'm offering to live with my mum for free though, so that won't cost him a penny. I did not get on at all with my boss she made my life hell, I was overworked and not given any consideration for my pregnancy , I really can't face it. The person who was covering my leave only lasted a couple of months that's how shit it is there, I thought I had escaped!

I think he's being fair too. You want to move back and this is the best way to do it.

It seems you want everything your own way as it you want to live in x place, work just a few hours etc yet he is supposed to agree to it all plus find full time work to fund you.

Splitting up your family just so that you dont have to work is madness.

Why cant you look for a different job if the problem at your last one was the boss?

It was ok for him to live a 4 hour drive away so he could work down here though! He didn't mind that. All our close family live in the same county I'm sure we could live with his parents for a bit , he could do temp work, we would still earn more than my crap wage and I could work part time quite happily with free childcare , does that sound fair ?

I think you should stay with you are
it's really hard to get a job at the moment and your dh should stick with the one he's got
make an effort to make friends
it'll be crap living apart and not good for your relationship and he'll resent you if he's unemployed for ages

Then squeakytoy we will be in the same situation I can't go to interviews etc as it's over 200 miles away. Also have no childcare down here even if I did get an interview , I hoped he would get temp work and I could go back part time in a less senior position , and look for other work if my boss was still a bitch. I was hoping to study too , so I can get a better job longterm.

but that was before DS arrived, which changes everything and means it's more important for you all to be together

Compo I have made a couple of friends, but we miss our family until ds arrived we didn't know how hard it would be, having no time as a couple as we can't leave ds.

The thing is, you are a family unit, and living apart at your parents houses is NOT going to be healthy for you as a couple, or for your child who will be confused.

Cant you all move in with your mum or all move in with his parents? It would be a temporary solution until you get yourself sorted out and if your families miss you, which I am sure they do, they should be happy to help out.

Yes I know really Robyn I just felt desperate really, my mum only lives 40 miles from his parents. I just thought if he wants me to work to bring in money I can stay with my mum for free , won't cost anything , I wouldn't really want to do that. God it's all such a mess, I wish we had never moved. I felt scared and alone throughout preg and wondered how I will cope with any support but tried to be strong for dh, so he could further his career , turns out he is sick of it all too, also thought I would not agree to move and secretely hoped as I was preg wouldn't agree to it. Damn!

I think that you are making problems for yourselves.

Stay where you are for now, while your DH builds up his experience and a good reference. Then he and you can look for work back in your old location. Just put on any application forms that you will shortly be relocating to that area.

If either of you has an interview then surely you can stay with one of the in-laws the night before.

Can't he apply for new jobs from where you are, and then you move once he's got one?

Branchingout he will get a good ref he has worked fir the same company since leaving uni. He hopefully will get a new job , he was using me going back to work as a worse case scenario. I would rather stay here and wait until he gets a job if that is the case.

In that case I suggest that you quietly drop any talk of moving back immediately but concentrate your efforts on looking for suitable jobs for both of you in your preferred area.

I think you need to have a proper talk about what you both want. You agreeing to move and him "secretly" hoping that you won't because of the baby does ring alarm bells for me. You are not being honest with each other.

Talk properly with him - not Mumsnet!! - before you make a decision. And this time - make one you both agree with.