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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to hate the comment, 'Just you wait until...'?

20 replies

Serendippy · 13/02/2011 11:32

The competative misery thread put me in mind of this. If you are lucky and have a relatively easy baby, you are constantly told, 'Just you wait until they are teething/weaning/walking/talking/going to school/teenagers and on and on and on. That is hard enough. But to have had a really hard time of it and feel things are just starting to look up and STILL to have people implying that it is only going to go downhill again is a killer.

We all know that some babies are easier than others and that the same applies to children and teenagers. But it is draining to be in a 'good' phase and always have it overshadowed by people telling you to enjoy it while you can, it wont last, life will bit you on the arse at some point.

Please let me enjoy the good bits! Also, if you enjoy the toddler years more than you did the baby bit, TELL PEOPLE! There is nothing more reassuring to hear when you have a 3 week old that someone is really really enjoying their slightly older child, that it does not all have to get continuously worse. I know lots of children will go through difficult times but it is also down to what we enjoy and value as parents. Some love cuddling newborns, some love being needed, some love being able to get around with a walking child and show them more of their world. Some love seeing their child learn at school, some love arguing debating with strong willed teenagers.

So to all new mums: I LOVE the toddler bit! It can get better and I enjoy DD more each day. Can't say what is to come but enjoy each bit and you never know, the good stuff might last!

OP posts:

FlamingoBingo · 13/02/2011 11:34

YANBU

I have lots of things I am looking forward to about my children being teenagers and I bloody hate it when people like to try to make me think negatively about it!

Every single stage of childhood has it's bad bits, but the point is the good bits are meant to more than make up for them; and it's way better to focus on the good bits.

scaryteacher · 13/02/2011 11:47

Being now at the teenager stage, each stage has ups and downs. I love it that ds at 15 is still willing to hug me; that if he feels ill he wants me, and that he has a cracking sense of irony and regularly makes me fall about laughing. I loathe the fact that he seems congenitally incapable of restocking the loo rolls and putting the seat down after he's peed.

Laquitar · 13/02/2011 11:48

YANBU.

I hate it when people say it to pregnant women or women who ttc.

I think in some cases there is some nastiness.

And yes you will enjoy it more as your baby grows. At the moment you have the hard bit but not the fun. In few months time you will have more fun when your baby is doing something new each day, when she tries to do things, when she copies everything, the first gigle, the first words, lots of very funny moments...

AuntiePickleBottom · 13/02/2011 11:48

yanbu.

i'm looking forward to how my children are going to grow up like.

yes when they are toddler is hard, but they learn and develop so fast that there is plenty of good times which i now remember from ds more than the bad times.

FooffyShmoofer · 13/02/2011 11:50

Yanbu. My best friend had her son 14 months before I had mine and I have had this for 9 years solid. I want to scream 'Please let me experience all this for myself'
Oh and believe me our kids are NOTHING alike.

AllDirections · 13/02/2011 12:09

When DD1 was small people were always telling me that it just gets harder and harder. She never slept and was a really difficult and demanding baby and toddler. I thought my life was over when I was repeatedly told this and I felt like slitting my wrists. She's now a lovely teenager and I can honestly say that I enjoy her more now than ever before.

Why do people say these things? THEY ARE NOT TRUE!!

Then again I'm always telling people with one easy child that the next one won't be the same! But that's just jealousy on my part. I promise I won't say it anymore.

MaryPortasFan · 13/02/2011 12:15

I made a pact with myself never to say negative things to pregnant ladies as I had so many when I was pregnant. I particularly hated it when people suggested my relationship with DH was now 'over' because of having a baby! Wonder how my mum managed to have 5!

Adair · 13/02/2011 12:19

Ha, I got told this in the playground by a TA, she admired my two week old newborn then said 'oh, I had three under five too. It only gets harder as they get bigger. They are now 6 and 7 and 10 and really hard work.'

I laughed tbh and did a mock 'sshhh' and said 'don't tell me THAT now!'

Think it's just that people are different - some people are positive people and others... er... aren't

Laquitar · 13/02/2011 12:31

MaryPortas yes! 'you think you will still have sex ha ha ha forget it ha ha'.

Yes i have sex. Ha ha ha.

Diamondback · 13/02/2011 12:57

Dear God, yes - I haven't even popped my kid yet (a week overdue...) and I've had months of everyone telling me that my life is over, say goodbye to sleep, I'll never have sex again, it's the hardest work there is, it'll be hell, enjoy myself while I still can.....

I've taken to saying, 'Gosh, everyone keeps telling me how awful it's going to be - it makes me wonder why anyone ever has a second kid!'

That shuts most people up.

Oh, and many, many thanks to all my friends who've told me it's wonderful and the best fun ever! I'm trying to keep that in mind and ignore the rest and look forward to a

TheKingsPeach · 13/02/2011 13:03

As one poster has already said - there are good and bad bits at each stage.

For example -

Newborns - draining on the sleep front but they stay where you put them!

Toddlers - exhausting as you run around after them but so much fun as they develop their own identities

Teenagers - can be moody when the hormones kick in but its fascinating to get their views on the world we live in.

WriterofDreams · 13/02/2011 13:14

TBH, and I know this is a total generalisation and I'm open to vociferous contradiction, I find this negative attitude to be a very English thing. I'm Irish and when I got pregnant the reaction I got from my Irish friends and family was utter excitement and anything negative was always paired with something positive, eg "The lack of sleep is tough but really you get used to it and it does get better" etc. Mainly people said to me how exciting it was and how thrilled they were for me.

The reaction I got from English friends and my DH's English family was "You don't know what's ahead of you" "Oh god it's going to be hard" etc. The impression I've got since I've been living in England (just under 2 years) is that children are seen as a bit of a hassle, that they interfere with things and that they are tough to look after. Parenting seems to be under huge scrutiny, much more so than in Ireland, which makes people very tense and anxious. For example I was chatting the other day to a new mum friend whose baby is quite demanding. She obviously finding it hard. When I said I give my DS one bottle of formula a day she said "Oh do you think that's ok? I might do that." And when I mentioned my DS had a dummy she said "Oh I'd love to give my DS a dummy but my mum is so against it...but it's ok isn't it?" The poor woman seemed to be looking to me for permission to do these small insignificant and totally harmless things that would make her life so much easier. It was like she felt she had to do things a certain way even though it was wearing her down completely and meaning that she didn't really enjoy her son. She seemed so relieved that my attitude was to just do what works (within reason of course!) so that everyone (including mum) has the best time of it.

I'm a primary teacher and I also find English and Irish reactions are different to that. The Irish reaction tends to be "Oh that's a hard job but it must be great fun." The English reaction tends to be "Oh I don't know how you do it I couldn't manage that many kids" etc etc. They don't seem to believe me when I say I love my job and find it tiring but rewarding. I may be totally wrong but it seems to me that here in England the childless working life is the thing to aspire to and the fact that children mess that up is something to be mourned. The attitude in Ireland more is that you should aim for a family and that's the real joy in life, everything else just has to fit around it.

Adair · 13/02/2011 14:37

Yes, it's a total generalisation.

Prinnie · 13/02/2011 14:50

Writer of Dreams, it is very generalised but I think there is some truth in there. I do think we English people have a trend towards being negative and pessimistic rather than seeing positives/solutions to problems.

mrsgboring · 13/02/2011 14:53

Yup this is an annoying sort of comment. When people say "Oh I've got teenagers and they're even harder work. It just gets worse you know" I give them a big smile back and say, "Oh I'm so glad they still need you when they're that age. I'd hate to be redundant too soon!"

(I also privately note that while no doubt teenagers are incredibly difficult, fussy beings who require lots of money, running round after and don't even go to bed early any more, the person moaning about their teenagers is invariably child free, wearing nice clothes, having an adult conversation and absolutely nobody is clinging onto her legs or trying to wipe their nose on her cleavage so I do a private little and if I'm wrong, well, I'll find that out in my own time)

Original poster

Serendippy · 13/02/2011 15:33

How I hated telling people I was pregnant. There were very few people who told me it was wonderful and left it at that, everyone else shared their horror stories and told me all the usual stories about how I would never sleep/eat a warm meal/drink a whole cup of tea/go out/have sex/have any money ever again. So lovely to hear.

Agree with the poster who said that she kept reminding people that it can't be that bad if you have another!

I find it really arrogant when people imply that I can't possibly know what's coming. Neither can they if they have another, no two are the same. OK, you had a child first, bully for you, but I do things differently and will find different parts easier and harder. So piss off.

So if you are the type of person who plays the game of pessimistic top trumps, stop and think before inflicting your misery onto others. If you need sympathy, by all means let it out, have a moan. But when talking to a pregnant woman or new mum, try to inject some posivite stories into your tales. Thanks

OP posts:

MadeInChinaBaby · 13/02/2011 16:24

My sister in law does this to me constantly. She used to tell me every time we met how lucky I was for being unable to conceive! All through my (miracle) pregnancy, she told me of the horrors of childbirth, and how MY LIFE WOULD BE OVER once we had a baby. Then once our son was born it was 'just you wait until he starts crawling', then 'just you wait until he starts walking.' Apparently now my life's going to fall apart once he starts 'properly' talking as this will mean he can 'answer back'. I'd love to 'answer back' to her but I just smile and say nothing. I'm so obviously having the time of my life with my little man, and I'm truly sorry if she didn't have a similar experience. There may or may not be bumpy roads ahead, but parenthood's the best thing that's ever happened to DH and me, and I just wan to be allowed to enjoy each new stage and development as they come.

GnomeDePlume · 13/02/2011 16:27

We did get the opposite from midwife when DD1 was puce with screaming colic. She said 'teething will be easy after this' and she was right!

Tupperwarewolf · 13/02/2011 18:49

YANBU. I think it is an English trait, along with things like having anti-heroes like Mr Bean and saying "Mustn't grumble".

I did slightly say it to someone today though though I was trying to say that the baby stage has its benefits rather than it gets worse (I'm another who much prefers toddlers to babies - it just gets better and better im(limited)e :)).

Original poster

Serendippy · 13/02/2011 19:19

'Just you wait until they're on the move, you can't leave them for a second!'

Yes I can, I just have to be quite relaxed about things getting broken

OP posts:

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