to think school are starting to use "sensitivity" as a cop-out?

[Zingylemontart]

This is my first post in AIBU, and I am prepared to be told I am, but please be gentle about it! Might get long, too.

DD is in year 3, and this year is the first time she's had a teacher who has actually bothered to get to know her. This teacher knew she cried a lot, so put in place a rule where she was only allowed one cry per day, which has worked brilliantly. She has changed from a child who had to be pushed up the steps into school whilst crying her eyes out, to a happy little girl who can't wait to get into school in a morning. Until the last 2 or 3 weeks. Indeed, the last two days she has had complete meltdown before setting off for school because there is a girl at school who is constantly getting in her face, wagging her finger at DD and yelling at her. Obviously, she doesn't like it. I have spoken to the teacher about this, and she has said she will keep an eye on things, but apparently it is now mainly happening in the playground. I told DD to just walk away from this girl - DD tells me that she does, but the girl follows her. This girl is known to be very bossy, and due to various things that I can't go into here, she has problems of her own. However, I don't see why my daughter should suffer because the girl's parents refuse to get her some counselling! The thing that is bugging me most is that when I speak to the teacher, the fact that my daughter is "sensitive" seems to be being used as an excuse for them to just let the other girl get away with it. I know I wouldn't put up with it in the workplace, (or anywhere for that matter), so why should DD have to?

So, AIBU to want to say to school that even if my DD is sensitive, she shouldn't have to put up with this and they need to do something about it?

Why not turn it around on them? The fact that your daughter is 'sensitive' is very probably WHY she is being targeted in the first place-the other girl clearly gets a reaction from your daughter. It is a vulnerability and there is no reason that the school should let your daughter suffer and be picked on for a vulnerability, any more than if it were a disability.

It's like saying that you won't discipline a child for causing an injury to a child with a physical weakness because the victim was particularly susceptible. That would never happen, so why is this ok?

Say exactly that to your child's teacher. Remind them how much better she's been lately and how happy you've been at the way that the teacher has supported her this year, but the fact that she's sensitive doesn't mean that she can't be having a genuine problem with the other child.

I find a well-written letter setting out the problem calmly is very helpful. Don't say anything that could be construed as exaggeration or be horrid about the other child. Keep the focus on your child - and I would add in the fact that she has come on so well in this class and you don't want this issue to jeorpardise her progress. End by saying you would welcome their comments - and tell the teacher that you would like a short meeting to discuss it when you hand the letter to her. xx

I agree with Eldritch.

It is too easy for schools to "blame the victim". And also, letting children get away with taking advantage of other children does them no favours. Lots of bullying comes about because the bully is unhappy, or lacking in social skills. So they need targetted help as well.

jeopardise! And sorry about the inappropriate xx! Must focus when mumsnetting.

Schools have bullying policies. Ask for a copy of your school's. This is bullying (albeit minor). I also agree with pterosaur.

That said, though, your daughter needs to learn to deal with things without crying all the time. If shouting and finger-wagging is the worst trouble she ever has at school she'll be a very lucky girl indeed. Children can be horrible, and will usually pick on the weakest. If she doesn't 'man up' now, it could get far worse for her.

Although I don't like the term "man up", I agree with you, Toby, that sensitive children need to be taught coping strategies. But it can be hard for them to learn them if they don't feel supported

Sounds a very unpleasant situation for you and your daughter. On face value, it does seem unfair of the teacher to trot out what she did about sensitivity.

I think you would be well within your rights to make this more 'formal' (as formal as it needs to be) for them to take your complaint seriously.

However, when all that is said, you must try to help your daughter deal with this - telling her to walk away is a step in the right direction but it might also be a good idea for a bit of "sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me" etc. If she can view these incidents in that light - and see the girl as being a bit weird/silly etc, then maybe she can develop her own 'coping strategy' (ugh!!).

My brain is mush today (late night) and I couldn't think of a phrase that wasn't 'man up' or 'grow a pair'. You know what I mean though

There's quite a good book called "Bullies, Big Mouths and So-called friends". It gets the message over to children that they are not to blame for being bullied, but suggests ways of coping.

I think giving your child other sources of confidence and self-esteem, outside of the school environment is really useful as well - drama classes, sports, cubs etc

Yes

IME - Year 3 is quite a tricky transition year where lots of social issues come to the fore.

YANBU. The school has to take account of everybody's different character.

Thanks everyone - have just skim read the posts as really should be doing housework (urgh!). She has that book, JLC, but is currently more interested in the Mr Gum series. She also does performing arts and drama classes - she's performed without a hint of nerves in front of hundreds of people. Maybe it's the "in your face" bit that she's struggling with. I'll be going through this thread again and discussing with DH where to go next.

Thanks again!

Zingley - one of my DSs had a child in his class who would do that. I actually suspect this child kind of liked my son - but of course that cut no ice with DS. I saw the behaviour on a trip once, and frankly, I felt like clouting him, so I could see DSs problem.

We love Mr Gum in our house too

Our school runs groups for children who have social difficulties of one sort and another "victims" and "aggressors". They seem to be successful in getting children to understand the effect their behaviour may have on others. At the very least, this is a "circle time" issue.