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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL judging me over hat...

54 replies

Mammie81 · 11/02/2011 08:14

Popped into MIL's yesterday - baby was in snow suit as it was a bit nippy out.

We were only there for 15 mins and baby was asleep so I took his hat and mittens off and undid the suit and left him laying in it, as to remove it totally would have woken him up and we'd have had hell to pay.

Her house is always sweltering as she thinks that babies should be kept with at least 2 layers and a cardigan, and then a blanket, while the central heating is on (we've already had words about her overdressing him, then putting him down to bed with 2 blankets on when the heating is at over 24 degrees)

When I went to put the babies suit on properly, I found he was sweating alot. So I said I wasnt going to put his hat on for the walk to the car so that he could cool down a bit (the car was on the drive perhaps 10 steps from the house, and still warm as we'd only been there for 15 mins)

She looked at me like I had spat at her. 'You ARENT going to put his hat on?! He will get a COLD'

Then in the hall she asked why he had no blanket on either and I said 'Because hes cooling down! He is sweating hot!' FIL put his arm around MIL protectively like I was Satan.

AIBU? Honestly?

OP posts:

Booandpops · 11/02/2011 11:49

Oh. I think I misread yr post. Sorry. X

MmeLindt · 11/02/2011 11:52

Mammie
I guess the worst that could happen without a hat would be that your baby could get a cold, perhaps an ear infection - which is not pleasant but not life-threatening.

Your MIL isn't foreign, is she? We lived in Germany when the DC were babies and they are obsessed by hats, and draughts.

springbokdoc · 11/02/2011 12:01

Your MIL would practcally faint with despair if she saw me - I constantly forget my little one's hat and just pop my hands on his head if he's in the carrier. Also my ds must have a freakishly large head because half the little hats we have leave a mark or don't fit

AvengingGerbil · 11/02/2011 12:06

You can't get a cold from being cold. A cold is a virus.

Original poster

Mammie81 · 11/02/2011 14:35

The suit has a hood btw. He had a cold last month and when I said it was a virus they said it was because I dont keep him wrapped up enough. It was actually because SIL doesnt cover her face when she coughs, even when she knows shes got a cold...

They often talk about catching a chill. WTF is a chill? Is that a medical term?!

OP posts:

oldwomaninashoe · 11/02/2011 14:59

I think there are a lot of ungrateful DIL's on this thread. My MIL never once offered to look after any of mine, and I would have been grateful for the help/break even if I didn't approve of her parenting methods.

EricNorthmansMistress · 11/02/2011 15:03

Ignore, ignore, ignore. My PILs are a bit like this (although very nice with it) and they live in a hot country! We were there in November when DS was tiny, november there can be chilly but mostly sunny, bit like our March weather. All the babies wear hundreds of layers and are carried around swaddled in massive fleece blankets. It's barmy. My poor nephew caught a cold at 2 weeks old, was layered in 4-5 layers of clothes, then put to bed with two fleece blankets on him, each folded in half I tried to explain about keeping him cool and febrile convulsions but they weren't having it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/02/2011 15:04

Perhaps she said it because heat loss is mostly via the head and extremities. I think Mums of yesteryear tend to focus on things like that. My own Mum tells me off if I go out without tights or stocking on... even in Summer.

Maybe ask your MIL why, OP? Perhaps if she explains why she feels the way she does you can understand it and perhaps give your views in a way that she'll understand. It is your baby so she'll need to give way but there's nothing to be gained from making it a battle of wills (not saying that you do, just generally).

MIL relationships can be t.r.i.c.k.y...

Cappster · 11/02/2011 15:07

"So I said I wasnt going to put his hat on for the walk to the car so that he could cool down a bit"

I don't know why you felt the need to share this with her to be honest

You don't need to justify yourself or go into details about your hat decisions. You just put the hat in your pocket, smile and wave goodbye to granny.

FoxyRevenger · 11/02/2011 15:09

Argh my mum is obsessed with my daughter being warm enough and asks where her hat is all the time.

A) She's going from the house to car to house - she's not bloody crossing the Antarctic

B) You brought up your children in the days of single glazing and no central heating. My house, on the other hand, is always toasty warm

C)Shooosh!

saffy85 · 11/02/2011 15:28

"I think there are a lot of ungrateful DIL's on this thread. My MIL never once offered to look after any of mine, and I would have been grateful for the help/break even if I didn't approve of her parenting methods."

Really?

So you'd happily go off out for the evening and leave your precious little baby with someone who was going to wrap the baby up in layer upon layer of blankets and shove them next to a boiling hot radiator? Even though you had asked/told them not to as it could make your baby very, very poorly and one of the factors of SIDs IIRC is overheatng?

You'd be really grateful for the break would you, even if your baby suffered as a result?

The example I gave btw, is what my MIL did to my DD. Luckily I hadn't gone out for the evening I'd only gone up for a lie down. First I heard about it was FIL coming upstairs to tell me DD might have a high temperature.

fluffygal · 11/02/2011 15:44

I hardly ever put a hat on DD2 (3 months). She hates them. But she always has a hood up and is protected in her car seat from the wind. MIL moans that we don't use any of the 'lovely' bonnets OH's aunt knitted.

YANBU.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 11/02/2011 16:21

Let's all remember to be grateful for peoples attempts, mil or no mil, at boiling our kids to death! Hurrah!

TuttoRhino · 11/02/2011 17:05

Yes my MIL was prone to doing this. When my daughter was born in May she'd often take her for a walk in the pram to try and get her to sleep. From one day to the next the temperature would vary dramatically and if she needed a hat and her baby nest zipped up one day because it was cold and windy, she'd do the same the next day even though it was 30 degrees.

One time she came back and my 3-4 week old DD was boiling hot and all woozy because she was dressed in a sleepsuit, hat, had a light blanket over her and was zipped up in her baby nest in very hot weather. I had sent her out in just a sleepsuit so she'd found the hat somewhere in the pram and zipped up the nest. I had to strip her down to her nappy and put cold compresses on her to cool her down. I was very, very careful after that about checking what she went out in.

Don't get me wrong, I was happy that my MIL took her for walks. I just wished she'd exercised some common sense.

SteviesWifeIsBack · 11/02/2011 17:22

YANBU..However try to rise above it..usually it was so long ago that they had young children that they are so set in their ways.

My MIL is just the same. I never forget when my DD then aged 2 had a blazing fluctuating temperature of 40 and she had 3 layers on her next to a blazing fire!! I nearly had a flying fit when I saw her all wrapped up. She soon looked down her nose when I stripped her off and sponged her down.."poor little mite will get a chill now..she's shaking like anything"! Ummm! I explained it was because she had a FEVER that she was shaking..anyway she wouldn't have it! I just ignored it in the end as I knew I was right.

Now she's nearly 5 it goes in one in and out the other as I am confident in MY decisions as her mother.

Original poster

Mammie81 · 11/02/2011 18:20

What IS this chill they speak of? Isnt a chill just a cold bit of air? I dont get why they fear it more than the other worst case scenario caused by being too hot.

I understand keeping their trunk warm as I had a kidney infection made worse by getting cold - but that was bacterial and already there, not caused by a chill....

OP posts:

PickleSarnie · 11/02/2011 19:17

Oh god. What is it with MILs?

Mine had followed OH upstairs when he was puting DS to bed. She expressed her concern for the fact he was cold - his hands weren't warm but they never are. He was in a vest, babygro, sleeping bag and the central heating meant the room was at 20 degrees (which is actually a bit warmer than usual). OH said that DS was fine and to just leave him. A bit later on we heard some clattering on the baby monitor. MIL was missing. Next time I went up to check on DS he was covered with a ridiculously thick fleece blanket that we use in the pram and it was doubled over. Was fuming and DS was boiling.

naturalbaby · 11/02/2011 19:29

friend of a friend saw a baby having a seizure in a coffee shop a couple of years ago - due to being too wrapped up in snowsuit etc. scary stuff.

hugglymugly · 11/02/2011 20:17

I wonder how old some of these DMs and MILs are. I'm in my 60s and do have some clue about not over-dressing young babies. Mind you, I was in my teens in the 1960s, when we were all supposed to succumb to pneumonia from wearing mini-skirts.

Back in the late 1950s, my mother once took my younger sister (her third child), aged about four, to the doctors because sis kept suffering high temperatures. The doc asked to listen to sis's chest, so mother unwrapped her: thick coat/woollen cardigan/pinafore dress/thick cotton blouse/woollen vest/cotton vest. During the time that took, mother did gradually realise what the problem was. Apparently, the GP suggested that given the outdoor temperature, only about half those layers were needed.

I realise that maybe some older people can't easily adjust their thinking from when many houses didn't have central heating, but I would have thought commonsense would prompt the wrapping up warm for going outside in cold weather, and peeling off the layers when inside in the warm.

The examples given here about DMs/MILs behaviour, though, is, at the very least, disrespectful.

MadamDeathstare · 11/02/2011 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsScarlett · 11/02/2011 20:46

My mum is like this! Everytime she comes to my house and dd is dressed in vest and babygro in a warm centrally heated house she is always asking why she isn't wearing a cardigan! We always cover her with a blanket if she is put down anywhere or otherwise she is being held so is always warm enough. She is also always going on about laying babies on their tummy and saying she thinks they seem far more comfortable that way...

Well I'm sorry, but I'd rather trust decades of research on SIDS...

RatherBe · 11/02/2011 20:54

YANBU about the baby.

YABU to have raised my hopes though - I thougt this was going to be a thread about MIL judging a hat of yours and I was looking forward to reading about millinery-related outrage!

loubielou31 · 11/02/2011 21:13

Booandpops, that's what Saffy means but in years to come our daughters might think that not sterilising until children are three would be madness.

loubielou31 · 11/02/2011 21:14

Sorry, just found page two

loubielou31 · 11/02/2011 21:16

The Germans don't seem to have the same hangup about overheating babies. you will often be told off if they don't think your baby is wearing enough clothes. You can't even see newborns in their prams because they are hidden under what looks like an enormous duvet, they're domed up higher than the sides of the cot part. Even in the summer!

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