To think my mother shouldn't offer out my hospitality without asking me first, and then....

[TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench]

... mutter about how "embarrassing" it is when i don't quite live up to the obligation?

I am actually being a bit U, probably, or at least trivial, but anyway.

My parents take DD to her swimming lesson on a Thursday afternoon after school. Lovely of them, and they know I'm very grateful for their help (am a pt working lone parent).

DD has made friends with another girl in the swimming class (again, lovely, the more friends the merrier) who happens to live in a village some distance away. I haven't met her or her parents.

Friend wants DD to go over to their's for tea, but my mother explained that I don't drive, so it would be logistically quite tricky. However, why doesn't the friend come to our house instead for tea?

When she told me this last week, I assumed she was inviting them both to her own house, but no. I'm handed a piece of paper with the parents name and phone number on it and told they are expecting a call from me to fix a date in the next few weeks.

So, I look at the calendar in horror - we only have one day a week to do play dates / tea with friends, and they tend to get booked up well in advance. I'm quite happy for this girl to come to tea, but we simply can't do it for the next 6 weeks or so.

Clearly what I should have done straight away is phone the parents, say we'd love to have her, but I'll have to get back to them in a few weeks if that's ok. But in amongst a whole load of other pressing chores and commitments, I didn't get round to it. And in the back of my mind, if I'm honest, I was already quite pissed off about mum setting up more commitments for me without asking first.

So when my mother turned up this evening, with a face like thunder muttering that it was all "just so terribly embarrassing" for her to have to face these people today, and "the shame!" etc etc, I felt really quite annoyed (not that I said anything).

Mum has form for being extremely sensitive about what people might (but probably don't - she tends to catastrophise) think about her.

So, AIBU for thinking that if she doesn't want me to "embarrass" her by not fulfilling obligations, she should probably consult with me before setting up such obligations?

thing is, knowing my mother, she'll be beating me with this particular stick for weeks to come.

I think you are being a tad unreasonable with your mother but not so much with the situation.

Can't your mum have your dd and her friend at her house perhaps after swimming on a Thursday? Or even take them for a quick bite before dropping the friend off? Or perhaps a sleep over on a Saturday and early drop off on the Sunday?

She sounds a bit like Hyacinth Boquet, NO

tell her what you've basically said on here, her appearance to others should not priorotise her daughters convienience.

YANBU.

I think your mother is being unreasonable.

So she cares what other people might think about her [people she barely knows] but does not think to ask you [her daughter] how you actually feel about having DDs friend for dinner?

Have you sat mother down and told her how you feel about this and your reasons for feeling this way?

I lost my mother when my youngest was 8 months and my mother-in-law when she was 15 months, just a few days before they were due to meet (she lived overseas). My youngest never met either of her grandfathers as they were cold in the ground before she was born. With that in mind I have to say, mothers are and can be intensely irritating and annoying. They can be tactless and embarrassing. But she is your mother and I know that to you all these annoyances seem big right now, but please take a deep breath and think. Are they really that important????

My relationship with my mum, like yours, was often built on tension - we loved each other to death, but we, at times annoyed each other. So I do relate. But now she's gone I'd give my right arm to return to those frictions and that bickering.

Your mother is the only one you have, so screw all the other shit about people who are incidental to your life and who you hardly know. Don't fall out with her on account of this for goodness sake.

Sorry for my response, but I'd do anything to have my mother back and all her annoyances and I'm just tring to give you that perspective:-)

YANBU

Whilst I do agree with Thrua you still have to be able to live alongside her without wanting to throttle her!

I do think you should say to her that you have enough on your plate without her adding to it. That you are no longer a child who she can arrange things for and that you don't want to fall out with her, but that she needs to start treating you like the adult you are.

Good luck with that mind - no matter how many times I say it, nothing seems to change and even though I am only too aware that what Thrua says is true - it's incredibly hard not to get frustrated!

And I agree with Chipping...End of the day Mum's are hard work but you bloody miss 'em when they're gone.... And I was always hammering things out with my mum about my feelings this and my feelings that. Funny, none of it seems so important now she's not here.... Is all I'm saying. Be annoyed. Be very annoyed. But don't lose sight of the fact that she's a good mum and you love her and that she loves you. You won't, I'm sure as it's evident in your post that you have a good relationship:-)
Sorry for my mum envy btw:-(((( It clouds my judgment of all things to do with mums a bit...Still trying to get over her loss...

Thrua - I meant to say before, but I'm sorry that you have lost your Mum (and your MIL).

I have lost a different relationship and it's hard to see people complaining about the one they have when you would do anything, absolutely anything to have that person back.

The thing that keeps me grounded when replying to people is that I still have my Mum driving me nuts and even though I know how much I would miss her if she died, I still can't stop feeling intensely irritated & frustrated!! You'd think you'd learn, you think you'd find a way... you think you'd appreciate just having them when you know how much losing someone hurts and what you would do to have them back - but somehow, that doesn't seem to work... I get just as annoyed and frustrated, then I feel guilty as well :(

So, I understand what you are saying - I just don't know how possible it is to change your feelings when someone is driving you up the wall!! ??

How long ago did you lose your Mum?

I don't see how your mum 'set up a commitment' as she didn't state a date & time, she just suggested an alternative that would work for you & collected details with the promise that you would call.

But I don't see why your lack of a call etc, should be an embarrassment to her, tbh. She could suggested that perhaps you lost the details if the other people asked about it.

Thank you Chipping . So sorry to hear of your loss also. A couple of years ago now, but it feels like every day IYSWIM. I'm not suggesting the OP can change her feelings about this, although sometimes a change of perspective can help one to moderate one's feelings somewhat and stay sane in the face of difficult family members.

Thrua - sadly I do know what you mean about feeling it everyday :( I hope Moist can change the way she feels, if not how her Mum acts. I try, I really do... but just can't seem to get there :(

I think you are being a BU tbh. Your mother only had your dd's interests at heart and if my child was keen on having a playdate then I would arrange it, even if inconvenient or have to wait a few weeks. Who knows - your child and this friend could end up being best friends for years!

I would call and say sorry for not calling earlier, you've been busy etc and you would love to have X to play but will have to be in a few weeks time. I don't see the problem.

Surely your mum knows how difficult it is for you to arrange things like this if you only have one day a week free? If she's that keen to get the girls together, then like you said, she could have arranged it at her own house!

It's not worth falling out with her about as I'm sure she was just trying to do something nice for your DD, but I think you should try to explain to her how hard it is to arrange stuff and that she shouldn't do it on your behalf without asking you first.

Thru - my mother is narcasstic and I tolerate her in my life. My father in an enabler (he feeds the narcissim) again I tolerate him. If something happened I would not wish to have them back in my life. I do feel envious of people who have normal parents in their lives and a normal relationship with them (including bickering). I am sorry for your loss.

OP - Your mother should have invited the girl back to her house.

I don't think mother's thoughts that OP could have friend back for dinner one night was unreasonable... But her way of going about organising this arrangement was imo. She was guilt tripping and emotionally manipulative.

I think you need to give her the idea that the way she has gone about this is unacceptable. I feel that she should consult you before passing on commitments in regard to your entertaining DDs friends.

You seem to feel that your mother has a history of this sort of behaviour and perhaps this needs to be confronted now.

It doesn't mean that you don't love and appreciate her, but rather that you need to have an adult to adult relationship with her which has some mutually acceptable boundaries...