Draining colleague

[lesley33]

I think I am going to get flamed for this.

A colleague at work seems to constantly have problems and at any opportunity tells you about them. At first I was sympathetic and told her about professional sources of support and generally listended to her.

Now I avoid her and certainly avoid asking how she is. I don't feel any sympathy for her.

There are a number of reasons. First some of the tricky situations she ends up being in are largely caused by what she does.

Secondly she exaggerates. For example said her boyfriend had cancer and after a few weeks it came out that her boyfriend was having tests, some of which were to check possibility of cancer.

Thirdly she seems to revel in telling people how much she is struggling e.g. face lights up as she shows someone her scars where she has been cutting herself.

And lastly I know some colleagues who are struggling with major problems who are worried about them - not showing off. Most people are unaware of 2 colleagues problems, and these 2 people just carry on being professional at work.
So AIBU?

YANBU - there are a lot of dreary attention-seeking nutters out there and the more sympathy they're given, the worse they become.

She sounds lonely.

It is attention seeking, but if someone's doing this I would want to know why.

But then if she's a PITA and you 'only' work with her, it's not your responsibility.

Just keep avoiding her?

Define 'nutters' please diabolo.

Nutters = people who make dreadful things up to get attention.

Didnt mean to offend (if I have).

Should have just called them "dreary attention seeking people".

To be fair there are probably serious reasons why she is like this. But it's not really your problem, you only work with her. And it's possible that there isn't really a reason why she does it and it really is just attention-seeking. V annoying. Just answer 'mmm' to everything. If she's not getting satisfactory feedback from you she will stop bothering

YANBU - I had a friend who I listened drone on and on about her problems for hours and hours, eventually helped her to resolve her problem and it got thrown back in my face. Our friendship hasn't been the same since.

And she was a friend - not a colleague.

Another friend of mine, who has been diagnosed with a serious illness, recently told me to keep in touch with the "radiators" and not the "drains" when it comes to people in your life i.e. the people who make you feel good, not those who don't.

Life is too short and she is not your friend, so not your responsibility.

She sounds a big attention seeker.

In its most extreme form, it can be a compulsion or a mental health problem.

If it's not that serious, then all you can do is maintain distance.

The problem with such people is if they are not getting the attention they crave, they often up the ante.

I try to avoid her. But if I do end up having to listen I don't feel like I can look totally uninterested. This is because some colleagues still feel very sympathetic to her and I don't want to look like I am being totally horrible in front of them.

'I don't want to look like I am being totally horrible in front of them'

Just pretend then lesley, they wont know you're planning on what to have for dinner in your head

Unless you answer 'chips' to her question of what you think she should do

I work with a man who tells lies to get attention. According to him his son was in the CIA (he's a builder in Essex), his daughter has sung backing vocals for U2 and and REM (she's an undertaker)and every other person he knows has been in prison, a drug addict, a prostitute, an MP, on TV, or arrested for Terrorism (what a mix!)

I appreciate he must have some disorder that compells him to tell lies, but 6 years of listening to this bloke harping on like this has made me VERY dubious of people like him.

She is an emotional vampire and should be avoided at all costs.

How about continuing to reply with practical suggestions? Or saying, "Yes, I think I've mentioned X before?" That way you don't sound unsympathetic, but don't have to pretend you want to hear her repeat the same problems while ignoring any actual advice.

I'm the numpty who tells people straight that I care about them but don't think they are addressing the stuff themselves, which is why people avoid them. it goes down well. not.