Home alone with adhd in the Netherlands.....

[Jazmyn]

Posted this up in WWYD topic but no suggestions there...... thought maybe I'd get some help here, osrry for the double posting anyway.

AIBU to think this is TOTALLY unreasonable??? What would you do? Report it? Or am I being a busy body and should keep my nose out of other peoples lives? :-/ I'm stuck!

I was talking with a (relatively new) friend of mine last night when the subject of her son came up. She's a single mum who works odd hours, her son is 9 years old and suffers with ADHD. He has 1-on-1 help at the school he attends but the school have been complaining about his behaviour to her. Apparently he skips school some days, spits at the children and teachers, lies, steals etc..... and they're finding it hard to deal with him.

I was sympathetic to this point until she mentioned in the conversation he is home alone in the mornings for 2 hours (single mum goes to work) and has to get up himself, feed and dress himself and get himself to school. shock

I didnt really know what to say!!!

Its not quite so simple though as we live in the Netherlands and here it is "normal" practice to leave kids alone if they're asleep in bed and you need to pop out all they do is take the baby monitor round the neighbours house. They also appear to leave kids earlier at home I think, although I'm not sure on the laws here. Anyway, I know it's normal but I certainly dont agree with it especially given his ADHD and behaviour problems!!

Now I'm at a loss for what to do, as an ex-copper in the uk I would certainly have been concerned enough to take some action although it's hard as I'm friends with her and she's struggling to cope with him and the situation.

Does anyone have experience with the Dutch culture of leaving kids home alone at this age?? Or any suggestions at all of what you would do????

This is soooo hard. Mainly responding because I don't like to think of unanswered posts, and it will also bump it back up the pile. If its any help, as an ex-copper myself, it was pointed out to me that when you can't do something, you tend to feel more helpless than the average 'civvie'. Are you in a position to give her some more help, or is this not an option?

I live in the Netherlands and don't know anyone who leaves the children regularly on their own for that period of time at that age. I think YABU for saying it's "normal" in The Netherlands - it isn't.

A 9 year old with ADHD alone in the house and has to get himself ready for school, hell no!

I live in The Netherlands too and I understand it is ingrained in the culture that leaving children alone is not such a big deal but like you I think it is unacceptable. The amount of people who admitted to doing this even when child care professionals were present is astonishing .

After a recent case of a young teenager being taken from her home by her policeman neighbour and being murdered, I remember that the measure is that the child should have the wits about them to seek help i.e. from a neighbour or by calling the emergency services in case of an emergency.

Contact the Raad voor de Kinderbescherming and/or Jeugdzorg (child protection agencies) who should be better placed to advise you on the legalities, however, my experience of most Dutch statutory bodies is they don't know a lot even when it should be in their realm of expertise. You could also have an informal chat with the police.

Could she not take advantage of outside school care (Voorschoolse opvang/ buitenschoolse opvang (BSO)) quite a lot of schools offer this to cover the hours before, during and after school. I will chat to a friend of mine who works with special needs children as she would have more knowledge about the extra challenges ADHD present.

My idea is to get a much advice and give it to her straight and see if you can research some practical solutions.

His ADHD makes an unwise situation neglectful, she is putting herself and her son in danger by continuing to do this.

AlpinePony, in my experience a lot of people do it but don't broadcast it.

Sloggies I know exactly what you mean... I think I just have it ingrained into me that I need to DO something but it definately takes me out of my comfort zone when dealing with another country with a slightly different culture.

Sadly I'm not in a position to help with this particular problem, I live in the next town and have a 6 month old myself and no car but I have offered to take him for a few hours at the weekends sometimes to give her a break but that doesnt solve the mornings problem.

Alpinepony possibly it's not "normal" but it's certainly not uncommon either!! Many of my Dutch friends and aquaintances leave their babies home alone asleep with baby monitors at the neighbours or let younger kids (5 or 6) alone while they nip to the shop close by.

Isetan thanks for the advice on those agencies.... I'm afriad I'm really not experienced in this kind of thing and how the system works here in the Netherlands so I think that's exactly the kind of agency I was looking for. I'm also nervous about finding out too much and then giving her advice (ie go contact so and so to get help...) as it might seem like I'm sticking my nose in. Surely this kind of help should come directly from the school?? I'd appreciate any extra advice your friend would be able to offer. I'm also going to bring it up next time I'm at the consultatie bureau with my baby.

I spoke to my teacher friend and she agrees that leaving any child, let alone an ADHD child, alone for two hours is not a good idea.

She says that him being alone may be connected to his current behavioural difficulties at school. In her experience structure and routine are important for ADHD children and there will be an absence of this during these unsupervised hours.

She suggests the mother talks to the school director or assistant director as the they would be able support her with regards to pre and after school care (buitenschoolse opvang (BSO)) and may be able access additional funds which could support her further.

In short his ADHD could compromise his ability to cope with emergency situations and the lack of structure, particularly in the mornings, could have a detrimental knock on effect on his whole day.

Good Luck