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Original poster

To be starting to tire of dh's view of ds

60 replies

slugz · 09/02/2011 18:07

Ds is 14, and imo a great kid.

He's doing well at an ok comp, and is forecast 'A' in every subject he's taking. I've had teachers come to me to say how impressed with how well he works despite there being a lot of very disruptive kids in his class.
He plays for a football team, plays basketball for fun and is in the cadets. He has recently stopped going to badminton (not enjoying it) and athletics (has to wait a ridiculous amount of time in the cold to get the bus home). He does volunteer work with sn kids in the holidays.
When left to his own devices at home, he is prone to spend large amounts of time on the x-box. I have no problem with telling him to turn it off when it gets out of hand.

Dh seems to have got it into his head though that ds will grow up to be identical to the son next door who literally never leaves the house, plays games consoles continuously and generally just sponges off his mum. He's in his early twenties.

He says ds is immature because he makes fart jokes, leaves his stuff around, never reads apart from for school, and generally plays a bit too much x-box. Is this not quite normal for a 14yo? I don't quite get the jump from there to complete recluse. He forgets to hand in homework occasionally (maybe once a month, I know because they send emails)for which he knows the sanctions. For dh though this is a symptom of how extremely unmotivated he is and won't do anything with his life.

It's getting very tiring, because it's coming up more and more as dh is genuinely getting more and more concerned for his future, and I know he's only doing it because he cares, but i really feel like his view is massively unreasonable.

If it's relevant, dh is not ds's father.

OP posts:
hissymissy · 09/02/2011 18:39

My dad was like this about me when I was growing up. He was always so negative and pessimistic. He was lovely too, was and still is a lovely caring man, but a worrier. What he never realises is that what he says has a deep impact on a child. I never had a clear idea of what I wanted to do with my life, and he always said I'd never get a good job, that I'd drift, that my friends were bad influences etc...

Guess what? I never amounted to much because I started to believe him. I started to believe that I would never get a good job, I became a drifter etc...

Then I got pregnant with a man I hardly knew in my mid twenties, and suddenly I had to buck up my ideas. Initially my dad said to me; "well I'm not going to look after your baby!" as if I was going to leave him to care for my child!

I was so upset I left England to go and live with the father of my child. I would not ask for help for many months, even when money ran out and my ex left me with a little toddler alone in another country. In the end I had to swallow my pride and return to the UK. My dad was all like; "I told you so" bla bla bla.. my life was hell.

But I picked myself up with renewed determination, got a job I love (pays bad, but you can't have it all), and have been studying hard to one day get a degree and a better paid job.

And you know something. My step-mum has said many times how proud my dad is of me, of the effort I am making, and how much I have achieved. I truely believe now that my dad believes in me. He shouldn't have worried, and neither should your DH. Some of us just take much longer to get where we are going than others. It sounds like you have a lovely son BTW.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2011 18:51

Does your partner understand the concept of "self-fulfilling prophecy" ?

My dd is 15

she is a good kid, a typical teenager, she forgets stuff though and has to be pushed at times to be conscientious

we haven't written her off just yet though

she doesn't know what she wants to do with her life yet...I didn't at that age and I have a great career now

mathanxiety · 09/02/2011 18:52

Sounds like a massive case of projection. Is there something making your DH anxious about his job or life in general right now?

And I also think there's an element of the herd thing where the young male and the older one square off...

DS(17) is a champion farter and lets everyone know about it. exH managed to project all of his own self-doubt and misery onto him and can't see the glass half full at all when it comes to DS. No, he doesn't read much for pleasure, but yes, he can programme anything and reads instructions and maps and follows them. He can cut right through the crap and get to the heart of an argument, so all those school classes where essays are required have made his eyes glaze over. He wants to be a pilot, the perfect job for someone who can hyper concentrate and likes very technical things and couldn't care less about reading, and has a large sense of responsibility (apart from the appalling farting). Not good enough for miseryloving exH.

HerBeX · 09/02/2011 18:59

I agree it sounds like projection and to tell him to stop it - our kids often live up or down to our expectations of htem and he's in danger of havnig low expectations.

GORGEOUSX · 09/02/2011 19:04

I think your DS sounds like a lovely boy and don't think you have anything to worry about there - regardless of x-box and lack of ambition; he's too young to be ambitious in the adult-sense of the word.

At his age, being ambitious is doing well in the next round of tests or going up a level on x-box.

I also think your DH is a very caring man to be thinking of all these things - which are important. We all want the best for our DC and, clearly, he too wants the best for him, which is why he's fretting.

If he didn't care, he wouldn't be fretting about your DSs future - allow him to fret, as we all do for our DC.

The worries I have for my DC are completely different to the worries DH has for them - nothing wrong in that. (I wouldn't expect him to be worrying about DD2's thin hair).Smile

ambarth · 09/02/2011 19:06

Blimey!! I hope my son is going to be like that in his teens. DH is worrying over nothing.

TheVisitor · 09/02/2011 19:08

I have a husband who makes fart jokes, leaves things around and would faff on the xbox if it wasn't in the boys' bedroom. He's 36 and has his own business. Tell DH to take a chill pill. :)

Katisha · 09/02/2011 19:09

Mind you, we have An Awful Warning up the road as well of a 17 yr old who slept until 3pm and then spent the rest of the day and night on the x-box.
I do think the x-box is a great drainer of energy that could be better channeled.
What about putting some sort of agreed time limit on it?

(I know the x box is not the whole stor..)

Katisha · 09/02/2011 19:10

story...

SueWhite · 09/02/2011 19:12

Your husband is being unreasonable. I'm afraid I do think it has something to do with the fact he's not his real father. He seems to have a fixed idea of 'teenager' and can't see past it to the fact that your son is an individual.

Does your son know what his stepfather believes of him? If I were you I would stamp down on it quite hard, and contradict H whenever he says anything and ask him not to say it again. There is a risk that, if your son keeps getting exposed to it, he will stop bothering with being good because if he's getting battered he might as well live up to his 'bad' image.

No 14 year old know what they are going to do for the rest of their life, and if they do they are a bit of a freak.

HerBeX · 09/02/2011 19:23

Yes I had no idea what I watned to do with my life even when I'd finished my degree.

None whatsoever. And I've had 2 good careers so far.

pointythings · 09/02/2011 19:58

Your DH needs to stop this. Now. Even if he hasn't said all of this stuff to your DS but just to you, he's still undermining your parenting - and your DS sounds like a great person - healthy normal teenage stuff like farts adn X-box, lots of physical activities and the volunteering, and doing well at school - what more does your DH want?

Tell him that he either says positive things or keeps his trap shut - up to you how diplomatic you ar about it, but be firm.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2011 19:58

2 careers, HB ?

that's just greedy....

Adversecamber · 09/02/2011 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Booandpops · 09/02/2011 20:05

I think your son sounds very level headed and his own person and you should be proud. Show yr dh this thread to show him he is unreasonable! Mine are only little but I'd be happy if they end up as mature as yr son

HerBeX · 09/02/2011 20:08

LOL AF I'm planning on having at least one more before I retire...

AnyFucker · 09/02/2011 20:09

how selfish ! Grin

Meow75 · 09/02/2011 20:10

We BOTH love fart jokes in our house, and we're both 36.

Be calm, DH, and relax about DS. As someone else said, he should be thinking about his next homework, next test, next level on his favourite X-box game!!!

HecateQueenOfWitches · 09/02/2011 20:29

Point out to your husband that his lack of faith in his son will probably cause to happen what he fears will happen, as your son may come to believe he can do no better, or even why bother, or perhaps can't do anything, even dad doesn't believe in me...

It's really not good to be so negative.

If he wants your son to end up like the lad next door - knocking him like this is a very good way to go about it.

LaWeaselMys · 09/02/2011 20:31

DH appears to have been born knowing what he wanted to do with his life. I decided in the last year of my degree. (and could still easily be persuaded to several other paths!)

Maybe your DH could speak to the careers adviser at his school who could reassure him that most 14yo have not a blessed clue what they want to do, and as long as he keeps his options open (which lots of activities and good grades easily does) not knowing definately isn't going to turn him into a feckless loser.

On a practical note, if you restrict x-box time it might make your DH feel like he is doing something positive.

Dansmommy · 09/02/2011 20:41

Teaching outdoor pursuits is a wonderful ambition. I'm a secondary school teacher, and often work with teachers of outdoor pursuits such as rock climbing and canoeing when we take kids on camp, and I'm often jealous of the great life they have...living in the country, doing something they love...and trust me, the pay is not bad. (Basic wages may not be all that, but imagine the things they do on the side with their unique skills...corporate training, 1:1 tuition etc)
Also, they are incredibly intelligent and talented, it is not a 'thick' option by any stretch.

If a boy like your DS turned up in my year 10 class I'd be thrilled!

FabbyChic · 09/02/2011 20:42

My son started university with no idea of what he was going to do after.

He is only 14 for god sake, he has GCSE's to do then A Levels, no child should leave school without taking A Levels nowadays.

He has four years of schooling left depending on the year he is in. Why would he have to have ambitions now? If he is going to do something along the lines of what you and your husband do he needs no ambitions, and Im not trying to be funny, but they are run of the mill jobs.

Poor kid, too much pressure.

Original poster
slugz · 09/02/2011 21:16

It's fine, that's entirely what I meant by mentioning our jobs, they are sooo run of the mill jobs.
I love mine, dh hates his, maybe that's why he's much more stressy than me about ambition.
If ds has a run of the mill job, and is happy and feeds his kids etc then I'll be happy. But I feel like I should be pushing him into something high-achieving since he's clearly capable. I don't have any idea how to go about this though anyway, since I've never been anywhere near anything that could be described as a career in my life.

OP posts:
HerBeX · 09/02/2011 21:29

It does sound like your DH really is projecting and maybe he is jsut really uptight that your DS is going to end up being as dissatisfied with his job as he is.

But he's starting to worry way too early. And in the wrong way. I feel a bit sorry for him the way you're describing him, he obviously has got a major anxiety and feeling of responsibility for his SS and that's to his great credit, but he's just going about it all wrong and could precipitate a whole load of unncessary conflict and angst for no good reason. I hope you manage to talk some sense into him slugz, he doesn't sound like a bad bloke.

FabbyChic · 09/02/2011 21:31

Sit down and talk to your son and ask him what A levels he has thought about taking after his GCSE's encourage him to take them, ask him if he is considering University and if so what subject?

You do not need to go further than that right now, maybe other than if he has not considered university what does he think he would like to do, is he tall enough for the Police force perhaps?

How can you make assumptions about your son without talking to him about his future.

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