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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for expecting DH to hold his tongue?

18 replies

RingEir · 09/02/2011 13:37

I am so down at the moment, and this is why. I am 15 weeks pregnant and a couple of weeks ago was told that chances of Down's are 1/50. That might not sound like a lot, but the Dr called it high risk and for me it was quite a bombshell. I am still trying to deal with it.

I didn't want to tell anyone, but DH insisted he needed to talk to his brother (which is fair enough) but SIL grabbed the phone and started asking all sorts of questions about the test results. I can't quite explain why, but I got very upset thinking about SIL knowing and probably telling her mother, sister etc. I have not told anyone in my family. It is just too painful for me to discuss with anyone other than DH.

DH got the message I thought, even though he didn't agree. But yesterday he came looking for the test results because SIL wanted to know the details. BIL had mentioned to DH that they would help us organise a private scan with a specialist and DH phoned SIL to talk some more about this. I freaked. And now we are not talking. I feel he utterly disregarded my wishes and he feels he has the perfect right to tell anyone he wants and that B and SIL are just trying to help.

I know he probably needs this outlet, but I can't bear them knowing and discussing what I feel is a very intimate detail about our private life.

Any opinions gratefully received.

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfWitches · 09/02/2011 13:40

Do you think it would be helpful for you to learn about Downs Syndrome so that you are not so frightened? Or is that not something you would want to do?

MrSpoc · 09/02/2011 13:43

It is understandable that you are upset and concerned but your husband has every right to talk to his family to get support.

It sounds like SIL is really trying to help, offering to get a private scan etc.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 09/02/2011 13:43

Neither of you ABU. You're both trying to deal with it in your own way. I do understand why you're upset, but I do think you need to let your DH handle this his way as well. If you choose not to tell your family that's your choice. I don't really think you can insist on DH's silence as well.

MrSpoc · 09/02/2011 13:45

can i ask if you had real test results or did the doctor go off your age?

I only ask because women giving birth at age 43 are said to have a 1/50 chance of having a downs syndrome baby.

TheVisitor · 09/02/2011 13:45

I think BIL and SIL sound lovely and want to help as much as they can. You both need support here. I can understand that you're freaked out, but you need to be together. Go and have a cuddle with him, you both need it.

VerintheWhite · 09/02/2011 14:26

Its not unusual to both react differently and need different support. I was like your DH needing to talk about it and look up lots of facts. You sound more like my husband who needed lots of time and quiet to digest it. We had a 1:22 chance. I tried visualising 22 people in a room to help keep the statistic real. 50 on paper seems a small number, but if when your out you count 50 people it seems a lot. This idea helped me keep things in perspective and hold the fear at bay a little.

Good luck.

springbokdoc · 09/02/2011 14:32

I can understand how scary this must be but i think you need to let your dh express his emotions too even if that means talking to his family. It will allow him to support you too. Could you ask him to tell his brother and sil not to discuss it with anyone else? they seem to want to help (in a useful constructive way i.e. tests etc).

Oobis · 09/02/2011 14:34

What a frightening situation and terrible you feel overlooked. It sounds like SIL is genuinely trying to help, is there no possibility you can tell her how you feel? If you can't talk, you could show her this thread? If she is so proactive in trying to help and progress the situation, she may well be receptive to you letting her know how you feel. All the best to you and the family.

Original poster

RingEir · 09/02/2011 14:56

Thank you so much for your messages, it means a lot. It's so good to get different perspectives on this, there is just no-one I feel I can talk to. I have a great family, who would be very supportive if I told them, but my mother would worry so much, and my sisters have enough problems of their own.

@HQoW - I have read a lot about DS, and thought I had accepted this as a possible outcome, but obviously not. Not rational at all I know.

@CHNE and MrSpoc - I agree that DH has the right to talk to his family, but I also think I have the right not to talk to them. I am 38, the stats are from the test.

@TheVisitor - I know they mean well and are trying to help, I am not blaming them, they are just not people that I feel very comfortable around. You are right though, I could really do with a hug:)

@VitW - Thanks for your suggestion. I thought I was keeping my fear under control, but this argument yesterday just brought it all out into the open again.

Going for a scan at our own hospital tomorrow, so maybe that will shed some light on things. In the meantime it sounds like I should try to make amends.

OP posts:

lospollos · 09/02/2011 15:02

The mention of a private scan seems like you SIL is trying to help.

I think it could have been handled a little more sensitvely if he knew you didn't want to share the info.

I hope everything goes well for you

MrSpoc · 09/02/2011 15:03

good luck

Bubandbump · 09/02/2011 15:12

Ringeir, there is a section under talk, becoming a parent and then antenatal tests / choices. There are lots of us who have been in your position on there and understand what you are going through. There is also a charity called ARC (antenatal Results and choices) who are excellent and can answer any questions that you have.

You dh needs support too and probably doesn't want to risk upsetting you further. Btw at 15 weeks you won't be able to have another nuchal translucency (13+6 max) measurement so another scan would only be to show up soft markers. The fmc in London are the specialists in this area and are also the best at cvs if you decide to go down the invasive testing route.

Bubandbump · 09/02/2011 15:19

Sorry I just checked the other section and realised you have already posted.

We didn't tell many people as my mum burst into tears every time I tried to talk to her about it - it's so raw that I don't blame you for being upset at your dh but he may feel like you need him for support and he needs some help too. It's only the second time I have seen my dh cry.

olderandwider · 09/02/2011 15:29

One things to say, if it's not too obvious, is try to be optimistic, whatever the outcome. You may have a 1 in 50 risk, but that means you have 49/50 chances that your baby won't be affected.

Original poster

RingEir · 09/02/2011 15:56

Everyone, thanks so much for your kindness and understanding.

Bubandbump - Sorry to hear you went through this too:( yes, you're right, no scan can give us definitive info. That's why I am not interested in this private one. To travel 400km to do one more scan (no matter how good it is) seems pointless to me. Also, I really hate having tests and scans so the fewer the better. I live in Spain so London isn't really an option anyway.

OandW - I will try thanks.

OP posts:

nomoreheels · 09/02/2011 18:08

We turned down all DS tests as it was causing us too much stress for something we would ultimately find a way to live with. It seemed to us that the nuchal/blood tests could still only give possibilities, not definite answers, and amnio etc seemed so invasive. After a horrible MW appt that ended in tears & no sleep we decided to turn down the tests & it was the right decision for us. So I can imagine how emotions must be running very high for you & your partner.

FWIW I have read so many posts from women who had bern given 'worse' odds than you, and everything was fine.

As for getting family help - I think it's ok for your DP to talk to your SIL, though I understand you feeling uncomfortable if you aren't so keen on them. But personally I think offering to arrange a private scan is going too far. Offering support, info & contacts - fine. But it is your body & you are in charge of what you decided to have tests for.

Sassyfrassy · 09/02/2011 18:25

It's a tricky situation. With dd2 we were given a 1 in 30 risk. It helped me to look at the risk as a percentage, seems much smaller. For you it would be 2%.
DH was very positive and sure it would be ok, I felt very negative and sure things would go badly. We did decide on an amnio to know for certain, but we did need to deal with it in different ways.

If you do go for an amnio, it can take a long time to get the results unless you or the hospital pays for it to get done quicker. I bet your dh feels better for trying to do something, rather than just waiting around. I do understand that you're not happy about him talking about it all though.

Original poster

RingEir · 11/02/2011 19:14

Now I wish I hadn't done any tests:) but at the time we were strongly to, and I honestly (naively) was not prepared at all for bad news. We were going to do the amnio, but on the day it turned out it was too soon and we were rescheduled for the following week. In the meantime we decided it wasn't worth all the stress. The good news that I had a scan yesterday and all the soft markers indicate that things are normal, so fingers crossed.

With the best will in the world, B and SIL were just trying to help, but I still think they were interfering a bit too much. It's partly a cultural thing I think. DH and family are Spanish, and have a completely different attitude to privacy.

2% are good odds I know, and I will try to focus on the positive and try to take things day by day. Either the baby has DS or not, and there is nothing we can do to alter that.

OP posts:

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