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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find this rude and inconsiderate?

16 replies

PlasticLentilWeaver · 09/02/2011 12:28

For background: I work in a team of three. The team leader is out of the office every other week so there are only two of us in today. I have recently returned from mat leave and there have been a number of other personnel changes while I have been off, so I know very few other people in the part of the office where I work.

The other team member has just got up and gone for lunch with two colleagues from another part of the business, without saying a word to me. I may be being overly sensitive here, but this has really annoyed/upset me, as I am now left to go for lunch on my own. I?m not expecting this person to be my best buddy, but it?s not as if she is forced to endure my company every day. She used to do it occasionally before I went on mat leave, and it always bugged me a little, but with the personnel changes and only just being back at work, I?m feeling pretty isolated and insecure at the moment.

Again, not expecting to be best friends, but she has also taken to discussing her social life and plans involving these colleagues with me, but not asking if I would like to come along. I probably wouldn?t be able to, or at least not very often anyway, as I have two young children and live a long way from the office. It would still be nice not to be excluded from this though.

I'm off to get a sandwich to eat on my own at my desk, but AIBU to find her behaviour rude and inconsiderate?

OP posts:
BuzzLiteBeer · 09/02/2011 12:30

I can see how it feels that way, but I probably wouldn't invite you to lunch if I didn't know you. I'm not rude, but I ma shy with people I don't know, which is often taken for rudeness.

TragicallyHip · 09/02/2011 12:31

I wouldn't say it was rude, maybe inconsiderate.

Not everyone has to be friends at work

VerintheWhite · 09/02/2011 12:33

It would please me no end to get a whole uniterrupted lunch break to myself with out making small talk!

Serendippy · 09/02/2011 12:33

YABU. She has friends in another department, she may assume that you would ask if you could join them for lunch if you wanted to. It is hard being left out but you cannot expect people to spend the one hour they have free in the working day with people they are not actually friends with, just to be polite.

She was not rude and inconsiderate, she could be more thoughtful but you could be more proactive.

Hope you got a yummy sandwich!

Original poster
PlasticLentilWeaver · 09/02/2011 12:34

She does know me, she's on my team. We sit opposite each other. I am also quite shy, which is why I am struggling to get to know any of the new people who have started in the last nine months, bearing in mind I've been back a month and only in the office 2 days a week on average.

The two colleagues she has gone for lunch with were here before I left as well. She just didn't say a word. I'd have found it less rude, and wouldn't have minded if she'd said 'I'm off for lunch with X and Y'.

OP posts:
ifancyashandy · 09/02/2011 12:34

Hmmm... Not nice to feel excluded but she's probably just being a bit dim, not intentionally rude.

Might it be that she's just got into the habit of going to lunch / socialising with the others whilst you were on maternity leave? And she probably thinks you want to get home to DP/DC which is why she's not asked you to go along to after hours drinks etc.

Why not take a little control and ask her to go for lunch?

scurryfunge · 09/02/2011 12:35

Why don't you say, "do you mind if I join you?" next time.

lesley33 · 09/02/2011 12:39

If other people in the business were not invited to lunch or other social things, then yes YABU.

I know it doesn't feel great, but people are able to choose who they spend their own time with.

If you were the only person in the business not invited to lunch or social things then YABR.

MorticiaAddams · 09/02/2011 12:40

I think YABU, she is a work colleague not a babysitter. Does she do this every day or is it an occasional thing?

I see that you say you're shy but even for people that aren't that shy it can feel awkward asking people to go out for lunch.

I wouldn't ask if I could join them as it would put her on the spot and she might not want you to come or she might not mind you coming now and then but perhaps not all the time.

How about you ask at the beginning of the week if she wants to go for lunch one day and leave it open?

frgr · 09/02/2011 12:43

YABU.

She's entitled to spend her lunchbreaks as she wants. Just as you are!

Why would your colleague going for lunch with others "bug" you before maternity leave? If you would like to go, ask her if you could come along. You've already said you're quite shy - test the waters a little. You'll find that either she genuinely doesn't want to have lunch with you (entirely within her rights, I can understand why it's hurtful but she doesn't owe you a thing on her lunch break) or she does and never thought to ask/wasn't sure if you'd accept.

She's certainly not being rude or inconsiderate. She's organising her own lunch. Stop judging her for it.

MorticiaAddams · 09/02/2011 12:43

She just didn't say a word. I'd have found it less rude, and wouldn't have minded if she'd said 'I'm off for lunch with X and Y'.

I do agree that if you are working next to somebody then it's usual to say when you are taking your lunch break if you are leaving the office and it seems very rude to just disappear. I don't think she should need to tell you who she is going with though.

lesley33 · 09/02/2011 12:47

I can understand her disappearing TBH. If I was her I would probably have realised OP doesn't seem happy for her to go to lunch and not invite the OP. So embarrassment could stop her telling OP she is going to lunch with colleagues.

I think she is perfectly entitled to go to lunch without you; but understand why she might be too embarrassed to tell you.

BuzzLiteBeer · 09/02/2011 12:47

sorry, speed-reading error. Blush

frgr · 09/02/2011 12:51

Also, unless you actually need to "check in" or "out" with a colleague, I can understand why she wouldn't have said anything either. Obviously not in an office where, say, you share the responsibility between you for answering the phone. At my work , it's an open plan office, and I don't overlap tasks with anyone on my team - I work pretty much solo, although sit in the middle of the floor. And I might say I'm going for lunch if I'm chatting to someone, but I certainly wouldn't get up and "check out" with the person to my right (wall on my left) saying that i'm going for lunch. So, in my workplace that would be odd!

zest01 · 09/02/2011 21:47

I think yabu BUT I do take your point as it is hard to get to know people at work sometimes.

There are people I choose to spend my break with, that I get on with. I don't want to "have" to spend it with certain others who I have nothing against but spend all day with iyswim?

I made friends by being interested in people. I talk to people at the photocopier, in the tea/coffee room, at the bike rack, on the way in/out......

I ask people what they do, the best way to get to certain places, how to use something (even if I know - gets a conversation going!), or comment on how busy it is in the tea/coffee room that day, tell someone I like their shoes......whatever really. It usually leads onto what they do, where they sit etc and I know lots of people now.

Yes it's hard when you are shy but bite the bullet - people love talking about themselves and showing others how to do stuff and they also like to get a compliment or a smile.

MadamDeathstare · 09/02/2011 21:57

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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