To want some respect from my 4 year old son?

[KnittedBreast]

My son and I are very close, hes very loving and affectionate. However lately hes started being really rude to me, he tells me he dousnt care what I say and he can do what he likes! I was so shocked, I didnt know what to say.

Ive tried taking away his pocket money he would get from tidying his room (he says he dousnt want it anyway). If I try and threaten to take a toy away he says I already know youl take it away. He just dousnt seem to care.

More worryingly is that when hes told off for soemthing and he never apologises (he always used to without being asked). Now when I say why dont you say sorry he says he dousnt know and still dousnt apologise.

He dousnt seem to respect me at all, what have I done wrong?

Has he started school?

4 year olds are little sods. DD's nursery explained it to my that there is a rush of hormones at this age and the boys become more boistrous. Not sure if that helps but it's at least an explaination (my dd was a horror at 4!)

Just stand your ground. Follow punishments through and when you say NO mean it.

You've not done anything wrong, he's just learning how to be obstinate and object to things. He's also finding that he can influence situations with his behaviour.

Just be firm, have consistent boundaries and mean what you say.

I have a 4 year old son.

I am pretty sure he is doing all of this for a reaction.

If I were you, I would try to ignore minor things. For serious rudeness or if he is deliberately naughty I would do time out. It is difficult to try and make the consequences worse and worse if he is saying he just doesn't care.

Explain to him that it is not nice for him to be rude to you, that you love him and you know that he loves you and that people who love each other are kind and considerate and do nice things to each other and for each other.

Disctraction also works with my son.

Sorry I can't be more helpful.

If you maintain your normal demanour and let him know what is acceptable I am pretty sure he will grow out of it....

My four year old went through a spate of telling me he liked his dad more, we were split up too and it wasn't acrimonious!

I used to get really upset, he stopped after a while.

It's just a phase, not nice though.

Personally I wouldn't be giving a 4 y-o money for tidying his room anyway. He should be doing it because it's him who made the mess in the first place. He won't understand the value of the moneuy anyway, so threatening to take it away probably won't make much odds to him.

Does he have siblings?

He has started reception yes.

I just worry that if I let things go hel just carry on with the behaviour as he thinks he can get away with it.

i think that because i keep moving the goal posts in terms of puishment ive used my best cards already to little or no effect. how can i come back from that?

You haven't done anything wrong. Children (not only boys) grow up and they push boundaries.

From my experience with Pugsley and Wednesday you get a few weeks where they push every button they can, drive you to the end of your tether and then miraculously turn back into the loving, polite children they were before.

Re the pocket money its 10p on a friday to buy penny sweets if hes kept his room tidy all week. it has less to do with the money and more getting him into the habit of keeping his room tidy himself

Oh and choose your battles. If it's really not that important then let him win sometimes.

Oh that's different - sorry. My post sounded a bit judgey, didn't it?

I think you just have to keep plugging away and not worry that you're raising a delinquent, but just a very normal 4 y-o boy.

Do you know if he's like this with other people, or is it just at home? DS2 is a wee monkey at home sometimes (he's 4 too) but I think he's much more polite at nursery, so I just keep on with the occasional time out/ removal of a treat/toy when things get back.

I've always found the most effective method with mine is not being allowed to see friends or stopping a treat out - swimming, etc. Money is meaningless to most 4 year olds and they usually have plenty of other toys.

He's testing boundaries.

You need to be firm and consistent and mean what you say. If you tell him you're going to take a toy away, take it, even if he says he doesn't care. Kids soon latch onto threats that are not carried out.

Show him unreservedly that you disapprove of his actions and are unhappy with him: this doen't need to involve raised voices, facial expressions and extended eye contact can work wonders, too.

He is testing the boundries so all you can do is be completely unmovable and consistant. If he is rude tell him it is unacceptable every time and make him apologise. Don't just let it go. Don't move on to anything else and he will start to understand that its a pita for him and he will stop doing it.

Re the pocket money I wouldn't be paying him to tidy his room either. If my ds hasn't tidied his room then he will need to miss out on something he enjoys in order to tidy. He watches one programme on TV a night before going to bed and if he isn't ready on time (ie homework done, tidied up, clothes layed out for the next day) then it cuts into his programme.

When he says he doesn't care about the punishments you give he might not be telling the absolute truth.

Oh and choose your battles. If it's really not that important then let him win sometimes.

Don't get sucked into arguements that last and last, don't try to get love and affection from him when he is obviously not in the mood, if that happens, well, he's got you on a string.

My boy says 'I HATE you' and I say 'oh that's a shame because I love you so much. Just let me know if you need a cuddle' and then I walk out of the room or turn my back and don't engage with it. Withdrawing your attention/affection can be just as powerful.

If he is really rude I make him go to his room to chill out but I WILL have my apology, the first one or two attempts are a shouty SOREEEEE, and then he gets over himself.