AIBU or is my DH?

moojie · 2011-02-09T08:30:16+00:00

Need some help with this long running issue of disturbed sleep in the mornings in our household. We have an active 19 month old son who sleeps well most of the time but can wake from 6 am onwards (bedtime anywhere between 6-7pm) I get up most of the time unless I'm working (2 x 12.5hr shifts a week) as I need to leave the house just after 7am so up anyway but getting ready. If he wakes before 6am this is usually for a reason (nappy leaked/unwell)and I'll take him into the spare room if unable to settle him in the cot. DH works for the family business, mainly office based but sometimes on the road but rarely long distances. This morning it came to a head as ds woke at 5.45 so I took him into the spare room until 6.45 when I realised that his nappy had then leaked. As ds was yawning and still tired I took him through the DH while I nipped down to get spare clothes and nappy (if I took ds down it would be gameover once he saw the toys!) DH then told me that the disturbed sleep was torture and that I was being disrespectful [confused] to him and his job to keep disturbing him in the mornings. DH usually gets up for work at 7.45ish as works locally. I suggested going to bed earlier as he's not usually in bed before 11.30/midnight..didn't go down too well! AIBU???

kreecherlivesupstairs · 09/02/2011 08:34

Disprespectful? If my DH had said that, he'd have got the nasty nappy on his head.
It takes more than one person to parent (ideally).
I think you should have designated days for getting up with your DS, Alternate them and don't do his turn for him.
YANBU

TattyDevine · 09/02/2011 08:36

YANBU, I dont think, having read that reasonably quickly.

Any chance you can at 19 months, make his bedtime a bit later? He's probably capable of adjusting his sleep time to take his 12 hours between 7 and 7, or 7:30-7:30 at that age, though its not a given. You may have tried, just worth a mention, I think body clock does play some part in it with some children.

I think he's got unrealistic expectations of being able to sleep till 7:45 each morning, undisturbed, when he has a baby and a job. Not many people get to do that. This is irrespective really of whether you work or not, though its great that you are happy enough to take him into the spare room. Do you ever get some kind of "lie-in" till 7:45 or later, even on the weekend? If not, then your husband is being very unreasonable and needs an attitude readjustment.

shushpenfold · 09/02/2011 08:39

Sitting here rather gobsmacked at your DH. My dh and I both get up at 6am to be ready to wake the kids up at 6.30am, dh leaves for work at 6.45am, I sort out the kids and we all leave for school and work at 7.20am (we're there by 8am) HE'S TAKING THE PISS!!! 6am with a 19MO ds is civilised. However, having said all that we were definitely worse with 1 child - once there was more than 1 we stopped comparing and just jumped in together.

reinitindear · 09/02/2011 08:40

No yanbu in the slightest. No one likes having to be awake before they think they should be but it was 6.45 not 3 in the morning.So he missed out on one hours sleep not really a big deal is it?if he really finds it difficult to function on the amount of sleep he's getting then going to bed earlier was a sensible suggestion.I know my 5 month old is awake at around 6.30 so I go to bed at 10pm as I know how much sleep I need.Talk to him tonight and explain that these are the hours your ds keeps at the moment and he will have to adjust his sleep hours accordingly.

ScroobiousPip · 09/02/2011 08:41

You are a partnership with equal status and he needs to play his part. How you do it is up to you - doesn't necessarily mean dividing the mornings up equally if you have different strengths.

Different people handle early mornings better than others. For example, I find it very difficult to go to bed earlier than 11/12pm because my body isn't ready for sleep. Could it be - giving your DH the benefit of the doubt for a moment - that he is a night owl? If you are a lark and find it easy to get up the morning, could you exchange his 'fair share' of mornings for another parenting task?

disrespectful, though - he should apologise for that.

megonthemoon · 09/02/2011 08:42

Firstly he needs to stop being disrespectful to you by expecting you to enable his lie-in!

Your DH needs to realise that most children are up for the day between 6 and 7 and the luxury of a 7.45 lie-in went the minute he had unprotected sex with you :)

If he has all that time before he needs to get up for work then he is in a much better position than most - maybe he could use it positively to bond with his DS - play games with him, make him a lovely breakfast, have dad and son time together. And then on the days you're there it could become lovely family time - a couple of hours together in the morning is a luxury most families don't have!

In other words rather than it being a chore, maybe he could start to see it as fun time with his son. Sometimes you need to turn these dull bits of parenting on their head and make them fun!

You need to stop enabling his lie-ins too.

ReturnOfTheBoomBap · 09/02/2011 08:43

YANBU. Lack of sleep / interupted sleep is hard when you have young children, and I might sympathise with him if a) he hadn't talked to you like a complete idiot, and b) it was 4am not 6.45am. He is being pathetic.

Original poster

moojie · 09/02/2011 08:45

Thank you for your replies so far. I do get the occassional lie-in at weekends but this is usually because I work long stressful hours and sometimes dont finish work until 11pm or have worked a night shift.

It is during the working week that we really clash. DH says I can go back to bed (shock) and on the occassions I have done this during ds's nap he has complained that the house is a mess.

Ds has just dropped morning nap so now just on one nap a day hence the early bedtime and early rising. He used to wake at 7am and the problem was the same!

OP posts:

backwardpossom · 09/02/2011 08:45

disrespectful?

I'd have kicked him in the bollocks - that would have taught him what disrespectful is.

samjones · 09/02/2011 08:47

YAVDNBU

Your DH needs to re-evaluate his definition of disrespectful rather pronto.

HE is being disrespectful suggesting that what he does during the day is less important (doesn't matter if you are tired) than what you do, especially given that he has the option to get more sleep by going to bed earlier.

ScroobiousPip · 09/02/2011 09:00

'complained that the house is a mess'

OK I am reassessing my opinion. If he thinks the house is a mess, he should tidy it up.

It sounds like he's forgetting that you a) have a paid job and b) have an unpaid job too looking after your DS. Housework is on top of that and should be shared.

Sounds as if this is a bigger issue. YANBU.

Original poster

moojie · 09/02/2011 09:10

To be fair to him he does actually do a lot around the house but still thinks that I should do more of it.

OP posts:

pots · 09/02/2011 09:16

I'm sitting typing one handed because i'm breastfeeding my 3 month old baby...
Partner still in bed. 9.05am.
I asked him to call my elder kids at 7.30 this morning as I was feeding baby in bed..... "in a minute", then another minute... he didn't so I had to do it myself.
I then had to do all the normal things that involve getting 3 other children, 8, 10 and 12 ready for school.. incl ironing a martial arts outfit for my son.... when my 12 year old appears downstairs with the baby because he's crying... partner sent him... did't get up.
Although he isn't the elder children's father, I'm divorced, he usually takes them to school for me at 8.20 but wasn't ready, even though my 10 year old called him with a 2 minute warning. I had to intervene in a sibling squabble and jump in car with baby and take to school.
He's still in bed now.
He calls my kids idle because they don;t do enough around the house, in his opinion, and impolite, although everyone I knows think they are fabulous kids.
He currently has no money coming in as his business is in deep trouble and I have to put up with daily contact from ex girlfriends.......
And I'm a well educated, bright woman... :(

pots · 09/02/2011 09:16

I'm sitting typing one handed because i'm breastfeeding my 3 month old baby...
Partner still in bed. 9.05am.
I asked him to call my elder kids at 7.30 this morning as I was feeding baby in bed..... "in a minute", then another minute... he didn't so I had to do it myself.
I then had to do all the normal things that involve getting 3 other children, 8, 10 and 12 ready for school.. incl ironing a martial arts outfit for my son.... when my 12 year old appears downstairs with the baby because he's crying... partner sent him... did't get up.
Although he isn't the elder children's father, I'm divorced, he usually takes them to school for me at 8.20 but wasn't ready, even though my 10 year old called him with a 2 minute warning. I had to intervene in a sibling squabble and jump in car with baby and take to school.
He's still in bed now.
He calls my kids idle because they don;t do enough around the house, in his opinion, and impolite, although everyone I knows think they are fabulous kids.
He currently has no money coming in as his business is in deep trouble and I have to put up with daily contact from ex girlfriends.......
And I'm a well educated, bright woman... :(

milkmoustache · 09/02/2011 09:31

Think you could do with a thread of your own - your DP is behaving like a pillock but suspect you know this. Hard to take action with a 3 month old, let alone 3 other children, but sounds like the situation is pretty hideous for you all. Older kids must be picking up on it too. Really feeling sorry for you.

Bogeyface · 09/02/2011 09:37

Moojie - No YANBU and I think words need to be had about his idea of a) disrespect and b) parenting. You are showing him disrespect?! FFS did we take a wrong turn and end up in the 1950's?!

Pot - Your DH is a twat on sooooo many levels. Sorry but there it is. You deserve a damn sight better than that, and there would have been a bloody great row in this house by now if my DH treated me like that.

TattyDevine · 09/02/2011 09:59

He's 20 months old and only just gone from two naps to one?

Yikes no wonder he wakes early.

Its up to you all that and you may not want to mess with it when it sort of works for you but that has surprised me - most 20 month olds I know have started to or have dropped ALL daytime naps

FabbyChic · 09/02/2011 10:01

I'd put the baby to bed later surely that would be better for you too?

MrsTumbles · 09/02/2011 10:02

Direct him to the Sleep threads on here with parents talking about their DC's getting up at 5am EVERYDAY, or are up in the night EVERY NIGHT!

YANBU, you're just being too good to your DH!

Original poster

moojie · 09/02/2011 10:10

TattyDevine and FabbyChic, ds has always had higher sleep needs than average.Only dropped 3rd nap at 8 months! He was on 2 good naps and sleeping 12 hrs overnight until 1 month ago until I decided to drop the morning one for him. I can only get him to 11.30/midday until he is literally falling asleep on the floor (will then sleep 2 hrs)which is why he is going to bed 6/6.30pm and still mostly having 12hrs at night. I figured that once he got used to having one nap and it gets pushed back then the bedtime/morning will get better.

As I said before DH was the same though when he woke at 7am!

OP posts:

thekidsmom · 09/02/2011 10:14

tatty that's not my expereince of day time naps, nor did any of my kids sleep 12 hours as you suggested earlier (they do now, they're teenagers!!)!

Just want to point out that all kids are different - my eldest (now 19 so a long time ago) didnt sleep through the night til he was 3 and had no day time naps from age 18 months. DD1 stopped her naps at 14 months but slept just fine at night. DD2 didnt sleep through the night til she was 4... any number of reasons.

so they're all different.... and the OP has to find a solution which works for their pattern.

But back to the point in question - your DH is not good at choosing his words carefully first thing in the morning is he, mooje! Lets assume he was just too sleepy to keep his foot out of his mouth...!