Spidey senses are tingling

[KittaKatta]

I'm not sure if this should be in AIBU or relationships but hey-ho.
Background: A and I have been best friends for well over a decade, when we met I had been with OH for over 7 years, she was engaged and due to be married within the year having being with him for about 18 months. Her then DF, was a dick, and his family, well I could tell you stories that would turn your hair white. Anyway they married, he continued to be a dick as did his family she became a shadow of herself, we stood by her supporting as and where we could. She eventually saw that he was never going to change and they have split and in the process of getting divorced (yeaaaaa) which he is dragging out as long as possible, just to hold that last bit of control over her.

Now: She's met someone new, from what we know of him from her and meeting him occasionally seems to be a nice guy. From what I've seen and been told treats her very well, they seem to have a great relationship.
So what's my problem, well that is the problem, I can't put my finger on it and I don't know if I'm being a bit paranoid or maybe I've become one of those emotional vampires you know the type, the ones who are never happy unless you have a problem?

But it's lots of little things, like although we live 30+ miles apart and were never ones to live in each others pockets anyway we always made a point of never letting it go more than 8 weeks without physically seeing each other; I haven't seen her since end of Sept, I tried to arrange something before Christmas but each time we tentatively arranged something new guy suddenly springs a surprise date/ treat on her. Now at first I put it down to that whole new relationship can't bear to be more than 2 cm away from each other unless you really really have to, but. .
Even without seeing each other we would speak at a minimum 3 times a week usually more (sometimes just a oh hi: can't talk: but all ok?, yes: good talk soon) recently if I speak to her once a week I'm lucky, lots of missed calls leaving messages etc. on my end. We tend not to call each other during the day due to our work commitments, so these phone issues would only happen when she was at home

I did wonder if maybe she wanted to end the friendship, that maybe I reminded her of ExH and all that shit so stopped calling and pulled back for a while. (Very sad about it but if that was what she needed)
And then got a call from her all upset that she thought she'd offended/upset me why was she having to be the one to call all the time, why did I never call her anymore what had she done etc., explained that I had left her several messages and text in the last 5+ weeks that she hadn't replied to and said that I thought maybe she wanted some space. She was ? happy with that saying that her Mum/ Dad/ sister were having the same problem, and she thought it was her phone, to the point of her getting a new phone. Did I mention that all these issues started when new guy moved in (his lease ran out).

None of these are big things; yes she's been busy/ been in a new relationship etc.
Yes maybe her phone coverage around her place has recently become dodgy
Yes maybe it was inconvenient that his lease ended just around Christmas and of course it is a pain to find a new place around Christmas.

But my spidey senses are tingling.

But again, I'm conscious that OH and I have been together forever, so I don't know what is normal in dating any more

But am I right to be concerned? ( Please please please tell me I'm being a silly daily mail reading any other insult you can think of etc etc cow please)

I think you are right. I have seen myself first hand the way some blokes manipulate and control their GFs, partners or wives. The difficulty is, it may have become obvious to you, but to the victim, their BF/DP/DH can do no wrong. What i did, and what I would recommend, is that you be there for that person, and when the time comes, you can help them. In my case, this almost broke my heart.

If you think he is deliberately sabotaging your friendship (which is what it sounds like you think?) then I would be concerned. Are you sure you aren't just aware she has crap taste in men and are worried already and trying to find a problem? Sometimes it is hard to have faith in our friends judgement when we see them get into situations that hurt them so much.
Does she have a mobile you can text her on instead of the land line where he can delete messages?
If so maybe just text her something nice and uplifting - saw X today and thought of you - or something light hearted? If you make her smile then she will turn to you if she has any worries. Until she does I think you should try to just lurk in the background and wait until he does something you have proof for...but let's hope that won't happen and she just has a crappy answerphone :)

If you think he might be deleting her text messages, is facebook chat an option?

Thank you for answering. I went to bed after posting but just lay there thinking. As I said I will always be there as and when or if she needs me. I pulled back when I thought that was what she wanted.
I really don't know her taste in men, when we met she was with exH and while he was a dick we can all make mistakes (and in his good moments I could see what she saw in him, still can, but they brought out the worst in each other and he was so a mummy's boy) so I don't think it's a case of 'she has crap taste in men therefore New Man must be crap' thing.
I don't really do facebook, have a account, but using that wouldn't be an option, he lives on there both on her and his account. Lots of how great she is and they are and what great things they're doing. Lots of love you hun, no I love you more, no I do stuff.
Re: deliberately sabotaging the friendship, I think he is, but did wonder, well basically when she and exH split it was to us she came first, we held her hand, to the point of financially supporting her at one point. But did think maybe he sees us as the equivalent of her parents IYKWIM? or thinks that we helped break her and the ex up and might be out to do the same to them?

You see it has me in knots, I'm starting to doubt my own feelings and intentions
I don't want to be a bad friend, or to become one of those over the top 'play with me play with me' friends, but at the same time I feel unless I push I;m going to get shoved to one side and I don't want her to become isolated.

Oh fuck i hate this

Is it possible that he has access to her phone and is deleting your texts because he is jealous of your friendship? Can you arrange to meet so you see her in person?