Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

That family all want to come round to mine.

24 replies

TheDancingQueen · 07/02/2011 18:07

I never get invited back to theirs. I have one 4 year old ds who's very well behaved. All my family have 3+ kids in each family and they LOVE coming round to mine. They stay over weekends, will turn up annanounced etc. The children will cry to stay over and beg their parents in front of me. But as they leave they'll say for me to go round but will never follow it up. e.g. last night my brother's wife called, she wanted to come round last night. I told her that my dh's sister is round from Birmingham but she can still come if she wants to ... she said she'll come round next week. I haven't been round to hers for 2 years! No joke. In the past when I've called up to say we are popping round, she'll act all huffy and puffy and suggest another time or that she's just come home from town, or she's putting the dinner on. Errr...same thing with me except I won't mention I'm putting dinner on, or have just come home. I just get on with it. We don't cause a mess, or eat very much, or pick at anything when we visit, but why does everyone prefer to come round to mine? Please tell me what I'm doing?

OP posts:

chickencrisps · 07/02/2011 18:08

They stay over weekends, will turn up annanounced etc.

there's your answer, do the same

scurryfunge · 07/02/2011 18:09

You must be the perfect host and maybe they are embarrassed at their own homes?

dexter73 · 07/02/2011 18:10

Was going to post the same as chickencrisps. Also when they turn up just say 'sorry now is not a good time for me' and shut the door!

Original poster

TheDancingQueen · 07/02/2011 18:20

I just can't get myself to be that rude :( I wish I could, I fantasize myself doing this. I'm not a perfect host, it's hard work running to tescos for drinks and biscuits and sink unblocker! which I did yesterday in the freezing cold. They seem to think it's easier for me. But surely it's human decency to invite me back. Or they'll say it on their way out, but the next call I get from them is asking for another favour to babysit. I would go and stay, but when I've gone round (I'm talking a few years back) even though it was planned by sis-in-law...she acted all grumpy because she was missing eastenders. And she starts shouting at her kids in front of me as if she's harassed. When people are round mine, I wouldn't dream of ignoring them and watching tv or acting all huffy! But it's not just sis-in-law. My friends also will pop round to mine after work - to eat before they go home. They might text...(which I wouldn't really check because my mobile is upstairs somewhere) and they'll knock on the door and say that they couldn't call because they were driving.....

OP posts:

Original poster

TheDancingQueen · 07/02/2011 18:21

i am a doormat right?

OP posts:

pinkcherrybloom · 07/02/2011 18:24

Yep you are,but you did ask.

Miggsie · 07/02/2011 18:26

You are a doormat, they get free food and drink and you tidy up after their kids.

Start charging £10 an hour....

msrisotto · 07/02/2011 18:26

You are a total doormat hon. Learn some assertiveness, there's books and the internet if you need to read something. You CAN say no, honestly, it's ok, no one will think any less of you. They'll respect you.

pinkcherrybloom · 07/02/2011 18:27

Its common curtesy to call before popping in,I'd personally never just turn up at someone house.

And you say your friends pop in on the way home from work to eat?what are you a cafe? sounds like you need to start being out,or busy when they come over maybe they will get the hint,cruel to be kind I think springs in mind.

Original poster

TheDancingQueen · 07/02/2011 18:27

lol I just re-read my last rant and decided I'm a doormat. My sis has just given me a long lecture about how this is how relationships work...etc etc.... BS! I'm not taking anymore. I want a sign on the door to say if I haven't been round to theirs in the last 6 months, then please go away!

OP posts:

ShinyMoonInAPurpleSky · 07/02/2011 18:32

Just don't answer the door if you can't say no to them.

If they call you up on it I'd say sorry I was in the bath or sorry but dp and I were "busy" wink, wink, nudge, nudge

compo · 07/02/2011 18:34

Say to your sister when shall I come round yours for dinner then?
if she hums and hars then say no round mine then until you reciprocate

LucaBrasi · 07/02/2011 18:38

Yes, you do need to set boundaries re when it's acceptable to visit. But isn't it lovely to know that you have a warm family home and that your family love to come to visit you? Says a lot about you actually. So no, YANBU and def address the overwelcome issue and gently suggest that you would like to visit them sometimes. But be proud of the fact that you have a house that your family feels most welcome and comfortable in.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 07/02/2011 18:42

yup. doormat.

Tell them straight. "I've been hosting you for years. It's your turn."

Maybe they genuinely think you enjoy being the host?

MsKLo · 07/02/2011 18:46

Please dont take this the wrong way but people like you frustrate the hell out of me! Why oh why oh WHY do you allow this to happen?

Why do you let yourself be treated like a doormat?

They walk all over you because YOU let them

Stop

Stop the visits to your home now
Say no
Say - in a jokey way if it is easier - that your house is closed for visits for the next six months/a year and you will be happy to visit them instead

Stop being a bloody doormat and grow some balls woman!

Said in the nicest
Possible way!

MsKLo · 07/02/2011 18:47

No lucabrasi
It doesn't say that at all - it says they take her for a complete mug and abuse her hospitality!

Original poster

TheDancingQueen · 07/02/2011 19:13

MsKLo I agree with you. I have only recently realised that this is happening. Mainly because I haven't been feeling very well and have been feeling a bit skint also!

OP posts:

MsKLo · 07/02/2011 20:27

You poor lady

Please stop this

NOW!

And I am gonna be bossy and say you had better come back and tell us you have followed MY advice!

seriously though - it is not fair on you and they are being utter shits to treat you so disrepectfully - so do this for you and your own little family x

Original poster

TheDancingQueen · 07/02/2011 20:50

I'll let you know how it goes.

I've just been on the phone with a friend and re-arranged her coming round mine on Friday evening to a lunch at pizza express on Saturday instead! She took that pretty well. Hooray! and next Sunday, I'll have to suggest my sis-in-law isn't coming round mine with her whole family because it's.....errrr.... I've run out of ideas. Because I haven't been to hers for years??? LOL Need to work on that. I might have to do what my sister does and start some DIY project round my house every weekend! hmmm not a bad idea ; )

OP posts:

Dansmommy · 07/02/2011 20:59

I love having people to mine, much more than visiting others. I always have done, even as a child. My friends tend to invite themselves here rather than invite me to theirs. But they do tend to bring cake...my best friend turns up with all manner of random items.

Plumm · 07/02/2011 21:03

You don't need a reason for people not to come round - just say you're doing something as a family. If they ask what say you haven't decided yet.

msrisotto · 07/02/2011 21:05

I don't do this deliberately to keep people away but I do occasionally say i'm looking forward to a do nothing weekend, having some time to myself, to relax etc etc. It's true and it gives a pretty big hint. If they flagrantly ignore that then they're being rude and you'd be well within your rights to be more straightforward with them!

MsKLo · 07/02/2011 21:49

Agree with plumm
It's even better that you dont explain just that 'I can't, but I am free to come to yours next week!' kind of conversation!

Keep it up - we'll make a ballsy lady outta you yet!

Let us know when you tell her!

Lol!

dexter73 · 07/02/2011 22:20

It's not rude to tell someone that it isn't convenient for them come in if they have just turned up out of the blue! It is rude to turn up en masse and expect to be entertained without checking to see if this is ok first.

Flip