to be surprised that many peoples first reaction is 'Call Social Services'

[CarolinaRua]

I am not originally from the UK but have lived here a long time and I am genuinely shocked by some peoples reaction to what i would call poor but not abusive or overly neglectful parenting. This is on MN rather than in real life.

Why are people so quick to call social services and make a judgement when they clearly dont know peoples full stories. It seems so odd to me?

Because they don't like seeing children neglected. Neglect can have lifelong psychological effects on children and sadly is learnt behaviour and gets passed down through generations.

I am genuinely shocked that you are genuinely shocked.

My XH likes to threaten me with SS the fact he knows I am neither abusive nor neglectful doesn't bother him. They are just an extension of his control and bullying tactics and they are duty bound to investigate any claims.

I agree with OP. Child has mismatching socks? Call the NSPCC! Your neighbour shouted at her children? Call Social Services, the abusing bitch!

There is a place for it, but if people rang as much as is suggested, particularly here, the phone lines would be jammed night and day. And I say that as someone who has had to make the call for a very good reason.

Because when Social Services get involved, it opens up many areas of support which a family would previously have been unable to access. It can help repair families and keep children with parents.

and it can do the exact opposite too, Visitor.

Because when Social Services get involved, it opens up many areas of support which a family would previously have been unable to access. It can help repair families and keep children with parents.

In an ideal world

YABU Because you don't know what is going on behind closed doors. What appears to be poor parenting may be a warning sign of much worse.

Yes, in an ideal world, but more likely without SS involvement.

IME it can destroy people, how would you like to live being terrified of the next knock on the door or ring of the phone? To have a panic attack when you see a scuff mark on the skirting boards that you have missed when you cleaned them. To feel ill with chest pains when you realise that that, again the weather is so bad you can't hang the washing out so that the only way to get it dry is to use a clothes horse and that means the house won't be an image of perfection.

I don't think Carolina is suggesting not to call for proper neglect or abuse, just for one off examples that aren't great illustrations of good parenting.

There have been some very good articles in the Times last week about this very issue, about how social services has started focusing on soft targets, such as parents who are just not parenting very well, rather than going after the extremely neglectful, dangerous and violent parents, who are intimidating and scary. Easier to hit targets, but risks more Baby P's as SS becomes swampled with minor cases and is too overloaded to focus on really very bad ones.

Although, if this is about another thread, I didn't see that and so many be wrong in my interpretation of the OP.

"Why are people so quick to call social services and make a judgement when they clearly dont know peoples full stories. It seems so odd to me?"

They may never know the full story though and so should they never report anything? What happens if they dismiss something based on your theory and a child gets hurt?

SS are there to call if you believe a child is in danger or that the family is in need of intervention etc. People should not be made to feel bad for contacting them, somebody needs to look out for the children.

Thats true, but some peoples idea of danger is totally skewed, and some people will call for stupid reasons. Its all very well saying it doesn't matter as long as those that need it get help, but it does matter, because those who really need it will not get help. Making social workers check up on completely normal stuff takes them away from real work.

There was a thread on here recently where it was very clear that the poster asking if she should report her SIL had an ulterior motive. However, the knee-jerk reaction was "report her, report her". I think we should be very careful before we recommend such a course of action, and try to read between the lines a bit more.

I don't know how many people have ever reported someone to Social Services in RL - it's easy to say 'report, report' on-line where the issue can seem like an episode of a soap opera.

There are some people who think you should report everything to SS but I think its often discussed on here as in "should I?" as it is the last resort.

My neighbour spends a hell of a lot of time shouting really unpleasantly at her very small children - it is something I have contemplated doing not with a view to her children being snatched from her but in the hope that she would get support and education regarding how you SHOULD deal with a small child.

I dont know if theres another course of dealing with it, id LOVE to know what it is, (and no shes not personally approachable in any way - she puts on a very cutesy front for the outside world, if I hadnt heard it for myself I would be amazed that voice can come from her)

If you genuinely think that a child is at risk, then of course you should report it. However, you need to first ask yourself whether it is your own personal prejudices or grievances that are affecting your judgement. Also bear in mind that SS do not always work in the best interests of the child.

OP I agree with you. I think it is a very common thing in England to take small things very seriously when it comes to children. Sometimes there is genuine need but I have seen SS be called for no reason and then be very upset at the person who reported the 'incident' for wasting thier time.

When I was growing up and in my culture, if you did something wrong you used to get 'beats' as we as adults have now termed it (by "we" I mean those of my age group from my cultural community). We often reference the times when we got 'beats' in a comical manner and joke about it. Nowadays SS would be called in. Its all relative I suppose.

I won't be using 'beats' on my own kids as it has now become acknowledged as an inefective way of parenting, and as I wouldn't want to hit my children anyway, but thats how it was back then.

BTW, I have, with a family member and neighbour, reported someone before. But she was genuinely a monster to her children. They took all her children away, some were already in care, but she actually said it wouldn't stop her form having more. The next time I saw her she was pregnant again. Sometimes I think certain people should be sterilised TBH.

generally the ones who moan that they have had ss called on them and how awful ss are, are just the parents who need sorting out

Well OP, what do you suggest someone should do if they have strong suspicions that a child is being neglected?

Or would you only call SS if you personally witnessed the parent beating the child with a stick?

I think its concerning when so many people on MN are shouting - report, report - at the first sign of any behaviour they dont agree with. Its become a huge part of the UK's culture.

Maryz re the post you linked, I do think at this stage people are over-reacting. A brother coming home drunk and vomiting - not great but not neglect and whether or not the mother stayed out with a boyfriend all night, is still up for questioning.

Morticia I do wonder though what people see as neglect or simply not to their standard of care. Some people will never care for their children to my standards and I would consider these children neglected but not to the point where SS should be called - poor diet, no homework help, truancy, parents disengaged. All bad for children but not a reason to call SS imo.

Snorbs Well it would depend on the suspicious circumstances of course.