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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH in charge of stag night- who pays?

16 replies

messydrawers · 07/02/2011 10:19

Prompted by the bill splitting thread... my DH is hosting the stag weekend of a friend. He's not the best man, but the best man didn't manage to organise anything in time. The group of 4 are flying to where we live, we are putting them up and DH is driving them around to various activities. They are also going out for several good meals. DH doesn't drink (used to- a lot!) and so will be the designated driver. We're very short of money at the moment (DH offered to do it before we got this short) and I wondered, is it unreasonable for DH to say to his friends, when it comes to splitting bills, can he not pay for the copious amounts of booze?! The problem is, we are both normally pretty generous and hate bill niggling, but the amount his friends drink, it will add up to a lot of money. I mentioned it to DH, and he's already thought of it, but we both feel pretty embarrassed about it. Should we just grit out teeth and DH not say anything?

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 07/02/2011 10:21

It should all be shared equally between the 5 people, and the 4 should be contributing to petrol too.

I would say the 4 should be offering to cover your DH's part considering the hospitality you are offering them to be honest.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 07/02/2011 10:21

They should pay. Your DH is doing enough with the driving. If they took taxis I am sure they would cost a lot more than some ale.
I've just seen that you are putting them up too. You are a better woman than I am.

ENormaSnob · 07/02/2011 10:21

I think it's ok especially as he is driving.

mrsgetonwithit · 07/02/2011 10:22

EVERYBODY PAYS THERE OWN WAY.......state this as soon as.

But make a joke and say the bed and brekfast is free.

Original poster
messydrawers · 07/02/2011 10:25

Thanks for your replies. I'd love to not say anything, and TBH a year ago DH would have just paid for the drinks anyway, but we're on a bit of a financial knife edge. To make things worse, we can't even afford to go the wedding (it's in another country and flights too expensive) but we haven't told them yet (invites not gone out yet). So DH is doing the stag night but won't even be at the wedding!

OP posts:
MorticiaAddams · 07/02/2011 10:25

If I were one of the four friends then I wouldn't consider expecting your dh to pay for drinks. I would also offer to pay for one or two of the actitivities with the amount you are saving them on accommodation and transport.

Original poster
messydrawers · 07/02/2011 10:31

Personally I think stag and hen nights are a nightmare with regards to this kind of thing! I have a very good friend (who is also a bit of a flake, I have to admit) who went on a friend's hen weekend with about a fiver (she told her friend she had no money and the friend said come anyway, perhaps not realising she literally meant no money!) and sat around drinking tap water while the other hens glared at her!

OP posts:
ccpccp · 07/02/2011 10:34

If DH isnt drinking, I think its normal to be left out of the round and not expected to pay.

He should also point out that hes flat broke and couldnt pay in even if he wanted to. If they are good mates and hes normally generous with his money then he'll probably get all his soft drinks bought for him :)

maryz · 07/02/2011 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slhilly · 07/02/2011 10:36

I personally think the best thing to do is to get an email group going and your DH ask the q on an early thread "what shall we do about paying for everything? shall we set up a kitty? or work out costs in advance and divvy up?"

default assumption is that all costs get divided equally among all participants. Food, drink, entertainment, transport, accomm, costumes etc.

bubblewrapped · 07/02/2011 10:38

I would head it off from the start if I was your DH.

He could say "are you lot planning on having a kitty for the drinks? you dont mind if I opt out do you, as I am going to be drinking coke all night anyway"

maryz · 07/02/2011 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cestlavie · 07/02/2011 10:41

From a guy's perspective, the way it usually works on a stag weekend is that you usually have a 'whip' which the best man holds and everyone contributes into equally - just about everything (excluding activities like say paintballing) is paid out of it, i.e. drinks, food, club entry etc.

That being said, I've been on stag weekends (including my own) where there were people who weren't drinking or didn't have a lot of money who've asked/ or been told they didn't have to put any money in and could just pay their own way instead and that's been absolutely fine.

If I was your DH, I'd just have a grown up conversation with the other guys coming. No need to mention that you're putting them up (which though incredibly kind, sounds a little petty as a bargaining chip). Just say that you don't have much money at the moment and won't be drinking much so could he just pay as you go, rather than putting money into a central whip.

Original poster
messydrawers · 07/02/2011 10:53

Thanks for your advice! Cestlavie good idea, our putting them up is not the issue at all, it's not like we expect paying or anything. It's more that we're not in the UK, so if people start ordering up brandies etc after a meal, the price can rocket, and we just haven't got the money. I don't want DH to be embarrassed, though, it's hard enough when you've stopped drinking in these kind of circs....

It's also sort of difficult as the group is split down the middle between 3 guys who have LOTS of money, really well paid jobs and no families yet, and 2 who have less money (DH included in this group!)

This sort of thing is increasingly a problem as we're in our 30s, old friends have gone one of 2 ways - the London lots of money type and the rural bohemians! We're lucky that most of our "rich" friends are pretty sensitive to the situation, and we can still offer them nice holidays here that don't cost the earth for us!

OP posts:
curlymama · 07/02/2011 11:57

It really depends, sometimes people offer to pay for the stag or hen, I know my friends refused to let me pay my way on my hen night, so I just beought a couple of bottles of champagne instead.

Your DH really needs to have the conversation with them beofre the night, because if they are expecting to not let the stag pay, then that will be everything split between 3 if your dh doesn't chip in, which isn't really fair either.

I don't think the stag should expect to not pay, but he might, and the others might.

Usually when we go out the designated driver covers the petrol costs but they don't pay for drinks all night, that seems to work well.

mayorquimby · 07/02/2011 12:08

If he's not drinking he can bow out of the rounds fairly easily and I doubt anyone would have a problem given his effort and hospitality.
If they're covering the groom to be's share then he should chip in to that accordingly.

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