He makes no effort with us or the dc's and Im peeved

[pinkcherrybloom]

This is my week,dp comes in between 6-8pm from work he will cook or sometimes I do a meal,have no cooker at the moment he will then shower and go to bed to watch telly.

I sleep in the kids room as Im tired and can not sleep,im constantly ill,never have a break as I do everything.

He goes out twice a week,I dont and then at the weekend he watches football,I lost my temper last night as he makes no effort and Im peeved of with having no life.

Im also wanting to leave one of my job as im not making any money after fuel and busting my guts out,I feel im generally not happy and my life is going knowhere please advice.

bump
anyone

Please forgive me for speaking out of turn, but you say you feel ill all the time, can't sleep, and your life is "going nowhere" is it possible you are depressed. Please don't flame me for saying that, you are showing classic signs of it

I'm not saying that your DP isn't as bad as you are saying, but if you are feeling down in the dumps then his actions will seem even worse

Please keep talking, it will help you get a perspective on things

YANBU.. But the way to tackle it is calmly when you've got some time together. Not wait until tempers are frayed when rational discussion is next to impossible. Can you get a babysitter, perhaps, so that you both go out twice a week - rather than just him? If he won't talk about it and doesn't want to change then there's not much you can do besides split.

It sounds like this problem is bigger than DP, and him pulling his weight, might I be right? It sounds as if you want to make some bigger changes in your life, and would like your DP to understand that, and support you? Some of the issues you've mentioned, DP can help and support you with, but there are also things you can do for yourself, that would make a difference.

1. Is DP aware of how unsatisfied you are? There seems to be a lack of communication here - he goes to bed to watch telly, and what do you do? Do you two ever talk, or have an evening out, or just an evening together?

2. You mention DP sometimes - what is the rest of the housework/childcare divide like? What could he fairly do, that would even the load, and what would it take (perhaps just a conversation, perhaps more) for him to do that?

3. You sleep in the kids room - do you necessarily get a BETTER night's sleep there, or is it actually where you feel most comfortable, away from your DP? If you are having trouble sleeping, that will affect your stress levels and immune system - perhaps go to the doctor, ask about stress and relaxation techniques you could use.

4. If he goes out twice a week, could you do the same? Is he unreasonable, or is it a choice/habit you've fallen into, to stay at home? You NEED time off, and have a right to it. Find something you like to do (or indeed, do nothing, as long as you're relaxing and feel you're taking time out).

5. Re: the job, that is something you will probably have to discuss with your DP - but if it's making you that miserable and the finances make sense - why not? Don't martyr yourself, but especially don't martyr yourself for no good reason.

6. The fact that you're generally unhappy and feel life is going nowhere is what worries me the most. You can do practical things to make sure DP is pulling his weight, that you are getting time off etc, but this general dissatisfaction is what I see (and excuse me if I'm wrong) as the real issue. Can you isolate things that would make you happier - a change in lifestyle, in communication with DP, your job, etc - or do you think it's deeper than that?

Sorry, lots of questions I know - I often find questioning my feelings helps me sort out what they actually are and what they mean.

sorry, 2)should be you mention DP sometimes cooks

you need to talk to him!

You are working two jobs & doing everything with the kids??? And clearly you are very unhappy. Personally I'd be asking DP if he really wants to be living in a family environment and if he does then he needs to participate fully & pull his weight (have a list prepared of what you expect). If not, or if he wants to continue to live as a bachelor then he is free to do so, but he can live elsewhere.

Why are you constantly ill - run down? Sounds like you may well be depressed and over burdened. Visit to GP good place to start?

Thanks everyone for your valuable input,yes I do feel depressed slightly and under valued.

I can go out he would not stop me but I choose not to go out really ,as I never no when he will be home from work which means I would need to find someone to look after the kids.

I feel I never get a chance to be selfish because I put everyone else before my own needs,I guess thats what you do being a mum,it just feels like my life is stuck in a rut.

It feels like I have nothing to work towards,he says he works for us to have nice things but Id rather have company anyday than money.

How I solved similar issues in my relationship was to establish a night on which it was my night off. So from 6pm to midnight on a Tuesday I am utterly not on duty. Sometimes I go round to a friends for a chat. Sometimes I go to the pool for a swim. There are times I take myself to McDonalds just coz I can, with no kids, and sit there with a coffee in my car listening to the radio. Mostly though I do sweet FA. Sit on the sofa and watch TV, or go to my bedroom and read a book. Sometimes I go on the internet, making sure not to do anything sensible or motherly like organising next terms swimming lessons or the online Tesco order. Online clothes shopping for me, just me, well that's different!

It is this time off that your DP is making for himself every day and it's your turn. I would suggest at least one night off a week. Utterly off. If the kids come in and want something the answer is "it's my night off, see Dad" and then go out. Even if you just drink coffee in the car and look at the people going by, it makes a huge difference.

My night off is essential to my not blowing a fuse at him and therefore can only be interrupted for blue-light emergencies. Anything else is his job!

Thanks im going to organise a girls night out I think for this week?,Its just what I need,thanks Underachieving.

I saw this snippet from a book called A Dolls House by Henrik Ibsen earlier and thought you might like it.

Helmer: How can you neglect your most sacred duties- your duties towards your husband and children?

Nora: I have another duty which is equally sacred.

Helmer: You have not. What on Earth could that be?

Nora: My duty to myself.

Helmer: First and foremost you are a wife and mother.

Nora: I don't believe that any longer. I believe I am first and foremost a human being.

That is a beautiful quote I need to remember that too! Thank you!

I love it thanks I will remember that and take note.