To be annoyed at my mil?

[Moulesfrites]

Ds1 is 16 days old. When I was having him in hospital, pil stayed at our house. They live out in the sticks and sometimes stay with usif they need to go into town. It just happened that they had meetings, appointments which coincided with my going into labour. That meant that on the first night back from hospital with ds, they were staying there.

It was the worst night of my life. In an attempt to be helpful, mil had prepared a proper formal sit down meal, which we ate at the kitchen table. They had their labrador with them, who kept trying to sniff my lochia, and kept trying to get out of the room, to ds who was in the carry cot in the hall. Mil had also bought some dummies which she had left lying on the kitchen top, even though I had made it quite clear that I didn't want to use them at least until bf was established. they had rearranged some of the furniture in our bedroom and the nursery eg moved the Moses basket away from my side of the bed to the far corner of the room, I have no idea why.

The worse part, though, was during the night. Ds was crying and wouldn't settle, which I would think was quite normal for a 2 day old, but mil was very concerned that he wasn't happy, and when he was crying during the night she actuallybcame into our bedroom and took him off dh who was trying to settle him! I was so gobsmacked I didn't know what to say, apart from to mutter to dh to get her out asap. I couldn't believe that she didn't respect the privacy of our bedroom. I spent the whole night only worried about ds but also stressing that pil were being kept awake by his crying. After that I made dh tell them that it wasn't really a good idea fr them to stay overnight, at least until ds is older and a bit more settled. They seem to have accepted this.

However, they came over yesterday and I just feel completely undermined and lacking in confidence when they are around. Every time ds stirred, mil would fuss over why he was unsettled and he ended up being really grumpy which is unusual for him. She kept bleating on about establishing a routine eg when ds was awake, she said "well obviously this is his awake time when you should play with him" when I think he just happened to be awake at that point! Then, she kept saying how much more relaxed and at ease we seemed compared to the first night back out of hospital. She was even laughing at photos of me holding ds on that first night, saying how uncomfortable i looked, not seeming to realize that she was a major factor in me being ill at ease! To me it seems perfectly normal for us to be feeling a bit more relaxed as we are slowly figuring out how to be parents to ds.

I don't really know how to deal with her - is is normal mil behaviour?

Sorry for ranting!

First of all, congrats on the birth of your DS. Sounds look you are doing an excellent job.

I do think that your MIL is being a bit unreasonable - clearly coming into your bedroom was plain weird and fussing over your DS when you're just getting to know him would wind everyone up. BUT (and I'm not trying to be mean) she probably means well. I think what is needed is some communication. Tell your DH to tell her that she should lay off you - you've just had a baby and so on. If this is too difficult, I'd suggest you didn't have them round much for the next few weeks (except maybe when you are off having a rest!). You are hormonal and everything is going to wind you up no end at the moment.

But that's totally normal. About one week after the birth of my DS I had an absolute meltdown at my poor mother, who had just literally looked at me the wrong way when I didn't instantly pick him up when he was crying ... happens to us all. xx

My own mother stormed out wailing 'I'm just trying to be helpful and this is all the thanks I get!' when dd was 5 days old and she'd just WOKEN me to ask whether she should start making lunch... at 10 a.m. Emotions do seem to run high around newborns, somehow...

I think you know what needs to happen here MF - DH needs to have strong words and keep them away until you get your bearings. You are very vulnerable when you have just had a baby. Your hormones, emotions & sleep are all over the place. You need your space as a new little family. If you have to see them, then meet on neutral ground maybe, and limit it to an hour or so at most. It's time for DH to set some very firm boundaries.

On the other hand, our elderly next-door neighbour heard the screaming one lunchtime, tapped on the door and said, 'I'll hold the baby while you eat, dear, no arguments,' and I could have kissed her, which was probably more the reaction your MIL was hoping for. 'Run to crying baby' probably took hold of her brain instead of 'Avoid DIL's bedroom'.

I would also have a very strict rule in place that they don't turn up uninvited or unannounced, and I would only allow IL visiting when your DH is there too. Seriously.

Stop worrying about the little things - you don't need extra worry right now. Don't worry about the dummies (maybe she brought them with her just in case?), don't worry about where in the bedroom the moses basket was, it can easily be moved.

You need to make it very clear that she is not welcome in your room at night.

Really, they shouldn't have stayed. You need your space (and they certainly shouldn't have brought the dog along) after having a baby.

The hormones will skew everything though. Put them out of your mind. Are they still there? I would tell your H that they need to leave. They have seen the baby and now you need some time with just the three of you.

I had the same problem - PIL came on day 3 and it was far too much and they were far too much. I think that they were trying to be helpful too but it was just all too bossy, too undermining, too MUCH.
It really, really affected things for months afterwards, especially as a visit when dd was 10 weeks old was equally as bad. It meant that even in normal, helpful things I have found fault with them for butting in and interfering as everything was coloured by those first few weeks and the emotions I felt then.
DH had a word and last time they visited things were a hige amount better (not perfect but loads better). They are now worried about it and text DH that they are nervouswhich makes me feel bad but... There is an adjustment that needs to happen for us all to rub along well and of course 10 months in this adjustment is much more difficult than day 3. If I had just grabbed dd back on day 3 or week 10 and said 'Butt out, my baby, my house, my rules' then I firmly believe things would have been a million times better.
So that is my advice to you now. Next time be firm and find some occasions to politely say ' you don't decide anything GRANNY, I am baby's mummy' (do the ner-ner-ner bit in your head only!!).
Dpon't even talk to dh about it - we have rowed about it and he has got upset about my feeling about his parents whereas it would have gone unnoticed if I'd stood my ground earlier.

she probs had read on MumsNet before about PIL who arrived and didnt do a thing, so thought she was being helpful making a meal for when you got home, which she was if you really admit it :o

if they came to stay, obviously had to bring the dog. Didnt force the dummies into the baby's mouth, just left them available in case.

Also probably thought they were helping by letting you sleep and rest by taking the baby when it cried in the night.

Maybe their kind actions were misplaced and misconstrued but you obviously dont like them being there so you need to set down some rules and if they are stuck to, just bite your tongue and bear it when they come to visit.

Obviously you are feeling sensitive about learning to parent, and maybe just maybe see criticism when none is intended.

She is a twat and intruding. When you have a baby it is totally natural to need time with just you, baby and dh and if only parents on Both sides kept a little distance and gave new patents that!

Keep them at a distance for a while and get dh to have a word about what she says and just keep soon what you are doing - you are doing a great job, trust your instincts

I have to say I did smirk at sniffing my lochia.
OP, YAB a bit U. That's something I never thought I'd post in relation to a MiL thread.
OTOH, she was being interfering. Hopefully it will all settle and you can enjoy your LO.

Sounds pretty standard to me but YANBU. If mil had come into our bedroom uninvited, there would have been a force 10 benny.

YANBU. at all. i read your post open mouthed. i would move and not tell them the new address.

failing that, i would a) accept that it probably is common behaviour for PILs, b) promise NEVER to act like that when my DD has her DCs and c) have a gentle word with DH to explain that if she continues on this route you will be having sweet revenge when she is last expecting it and d) i would then spend the next 20 years plotting and waiting for my moment.

but then my (darling) DD is 12 weeks old and i havent had nearly enough sleep for months so do tend to get easily irritated at the moment.

She probably means well.

ya SO nbu!!!!!!!!! they shouldnt have stayed and if they had an ounce of nous and intelligence wouldve known this in advance! and bringing their bloody dog is just unbelievable! get ur h to tell them to keep out the way in future. i also have probs with mil and dont even see her anymore as she was continually trying to exert her authority and being downright rude. enjoy ur gorgeous baby and tell them to piss off!

You poor thing, I do sympathise!

Someone else has already mentioned that having PILs to visit on day three, when the milk/hormones are kicking in and adrenaline wearing off, is not a good idea. We also had PILs to visit on day three with DD and it was a Big Mistake. MIL barged in when I was sat in bedroom trying to establish BFing and I have never quite forgiven her for that.

At least my PILs didn't stay over, but they did stay too long, visit should have been a couple of hours at most. Will be doing things differently with DC2!

Coming into your bedroom at night was a big no-no. My own mum has only done that once, when DH was away with work and I was ill/throwing up and DD was scared and crying. MIL took DD (as a baby) out of my arms when crying countless times, thinking she could comfort her better than me. She never could, because I had the magic milky boobies!

Don't burn your bridges with MIL completely. Now that DD is older, no longer BFing, able to talk clearly and say what she does/does not want, I am happier to hand over DD to her whilst I get a break.

at bupcakes "benny"

Not heard that word in years

But, yep, if my DM or MIL had come into our bedroom uninvited, even if it was to help, I'd have gone ballistic.

You need space to get on with it when you're a new parent. My in-laws and parents came for a 2 hour visit when I'd been home with DS for 5 days. That was just enough - no longer, no earlier

OP, if you get any more comments about how unsure you were as a parent in the first couple of days, the obvious response is "well, what the hell do you expect?!"

Give yourselves plenty of space for at least the first 4 weeks of your baby's life. After that you begin to settle into being a mum so it's easier to deal with other people

Yeuw yeuw YEUW! I would have locked the dog in the garden. Way to make you feel awful!

Honest to god though, a lot of this sounds like the hormones talking. Reading between the lines, she was trying to be helpful. Straight after the birth is a horrendous time - your hormones are mental and I was vile to my lovely MiL - I'm still embarrassed now. But bear in mind your precious baby is a big deal to them too and over-excited people are over-bearing.

Ask your DH to tell them to calm down and give you space as PPs have suggested, but also remember that she is trying to help. Grin and bear it as much as you can - having the PiLs on-side its worth its weight in gold in the months and years to come.

Huge congrats on your baby!

Thanks everyone for helping me to put things into perspective. I know she was just trying to help. I thought after my baby blues meltdown on day 6 that my hormones had subsided but clearly they are still around!

moulesfrites - how are you getting on? i posted on your other thread. i hope things are falling into place a little bit now?

your MIL is out of order, but i do think in her own way she was trying to help. it must be a generational thing because the majority of MIL's seem to do things like this (mine included) just imagine how fantastic we are all going to be as MIL's? we'll know to offer help, be supportive and helpful, love our DIL's and resopect them as a mother and NOT INTEFERE!!!

you don't need this at the minute, i remember it well, i was so overwhelmed, it's so hard in the beginning but i promise you it gets so much easier! it's too early for routine so your MIL is talking out of her arse. trust your instincts, not what she says. ask your DP to have a discreet word, just to say that you'd like a bit of bonding time alone with your DS for the next couple of weeks.

Sounds like a nightmare! At least you will know if you have another to make sure that PIL aren't staying with you anywhere near your due date!

All sounds pretty usual to me and it sounds lie you are doing fantastic with the new baby.

I would suggest you try and keep those pesky, trying to help, PIL busy when they visit, have plenty of jobs to hand to dole out when they visit, e.g.

Ironing
Mopping the floor
Lawn mowing / leaf raking
Pruning out in the garden
cleaning the bath room
Window cleaning
Oven cleaning

When you can bear it, give them half a loaf of bread and baby in the push chair, send them to feed the ducks, to give you a break for a bit.

Good luck and Congratulations on the new baby.

Jingle mum- yes things are getting easier- as everyone on the other thread said they would! I think a lot of it is to do with me feeling a bit more confident that I know what to do, bf ing is getting less sore and nights are getting easier- the visitors have eased off so I can actually sleep during the day! Thanks for the support on the other thread and this!

i'm so glad to hear that, i remember like it was yesterday, i was lost at first and it seemed like things would never get better. it will get easier and easier now as you get more confident, until the toddler tantrums start! ; )

16 days is still really early in, so your hormones still won't have settled, which is why your MIL is making you feel the way you do. again, i remember that part well too......

My inlaws came to stay for 2 long weeks when DD was a week old and they were as helpful as a choclate teapot. Seriously I have never been so close to killing anyone as I was for that horrible fortnight. I ended up feeling pissed off, exhausted and undermined constantly. I harboured a grudge for a very long time after.

Your baby is still only 16 days old (congratulations btw!) so no doubt your knackered, emotional and probably still ache all over. You will find your way of dealing with unwanted advice etc.

Your MIL like mine "only wants to help..." and one day there is a very good chance she will. I never thought I'd allow my MIL to take DD away for a whole day let alone a week without me or her daddy being there but PIL and DD are off to the Lake District at easter. These are the people who's deaths I was plotting only a few years ago. (Plot way too graphic for MN )