can thought and effort make a better party than just money alone

[BeachWater]

If your grown up children were throwing you a surprise party would you feel it be better to have :-

1. A more expensive party, catered in a proper venue with a smaller number of guests. With only ONE adult child footing the entire bill. Meaning the other adult children are effectively excluded from helping as everything is bought in, no handmade elements.

1. A less expensive party in a clean but basic venue with either cheaper catering (or home made buffet), with more home made elements, like grandchildren making table decorations. This would mean ALL your friends and family could be invited and ALL the adult children would be able to contribute either money or time and effort, depending on what they are able to give to the event.

What would you prefer and why ?

Do both then - you do non-flashy but fab celebration in hall, sis pays for posh nosh night out

lol - you sound just a little biased in your op, beach

Does your sister have a job? Does she have the same amount of time for effort and thought as you? I don't, for example, have as much as I did when I was a SAHM. Then I would have organised a big inexpensive bash, now I'd pay for a small fancy one.

Hard for her too, if she can't live up to you in the area your mum values. Perhaps that's why she's pushing for the fancy option.

option two, loads of family and friends = loads of fun

I don't see why you can't have more people at a catered nice venue, unless you have one in mind. But surely you could find another venue that would hold all the people your parents would want to be there.

Tbh, I think I'd prefer option 1, if you really can't then invite everyone, it just means you have quality over quantity. No one will be there just to help fill a huge hall.

I also don't see why you can't decorate and make the room personal in a nice venue. People do it for weddings, I'm sure they would let you decorate in the same way.

BeachWater, it's wrong that you feel excluded. However, there may be a middle road.. why don't you organise something really personal and special for the event, however it ends up? Ideas -
a slide show with your mum's family photos on a laptop/

a fabulous celebration cake that you made/

a memories book where all her friends and
family contributed - photos/stories etc

a lovely hairdo at her favourite hairdressers beforehand

book a photographer for the event

You can do all of these, whatever kind of event it is.

Basically, it sounds like you're feeling sad and left out, and your sibling is taking over the show. Is your sister trying to give your mother the celebration the mother wants, or the celebration your sister wants her to have? (iyswim). Give up trying to plan a surprise if it means you both going to war. No party's going to be right if you're going to fall out.

I suggest choosing a venue you and your brother/sis agree on (nice pub?) where thing will be informal but the venue fab. Try and find somewhere where a team of you who are good at food organise a buffet where it's well organised and sumptuous rather than all crisps and fizzy pop. (Outside catered events aren't always that nice, no matter how much you've paid for them.) Formal events are often hideous for surprise parties. If everyone's seated formally, it can be especially difficult, as your mum may not be able to chat to everyone she wants to.

Whatever you choose, try and think of how the event will be for your mum. Remember that numbers swell alarmingly if all invitees bring a friend, so some limitation on numbers will stop it being overwhelming for her.

She doesn't have any spare time and that is why I assumed the plans for the party would dovetail nicely together.

I assumed that we would spilt the cost of a reasonable and local venue.

That I would donate my time, sort out invites, buffet and decorations and fund the materials for these. i.e. give time and effect

My sister could pay for the extras she wanted DJ, photographer. i.e. use her money which she work very hard for.

I should not of assumed. :(

Sorry option 1. I would like a nice intimate family meal with good food and nice wine.

Village hall type parties are great when you are young and broke but as you get older you appreciate the finer things in life more.

And family matters more to me than friends. A small lunch means I spend time with them but a big party would mean I would hardly see them and wpuld have boring Bert from no 32 to entertain. Those kind of parties are hard work - you have to press the flesh and can't relax.

I have already been informed that her DH is doing the photography, visitor book and photo memory book after the event. Note I have been informed not asked.

I can't pay for a hairdo for my mother when it is a surprise party.

I do feel pushed out, I feel that as I have no money my opinions are not valid and my input unwanted.

More importantly than this party issue, I am deeply hurt that my beloved sister feels that me and my life are worthless as I don't earn/have money. That really hurts that everything I value in my life is unworthy as it does not have a price tag attached :(

Well, she might be saying that, or she might be saying that she doesn't have the time to help you organise a home made do.

Surely there's got to be some kind of compromise you can reach? Does it have to be your time or her money?

I'm sorry BeachWater, but I don't think you should allow your sister to walk all over the event in this way. Just what will she 'allow' you to do?

Her DH should not be doing those things, he is not her son. You are her daughter. Stand your ground.

And of course you can sort out a hairdo - you'll have to spin her some line about going out somewhere, surely, otherwise she could turn up wearing who knows what and not knowing what's going on. Surely she'll want to remember looking and feeling her best?

Sorry you're so upset, but I think you should have a family get together about this when your mum's busy with something else. Your sister is dividing and ruling. Does she have a history of riding roughshod over you?

Don't allow issues about money ruin your confidence. You don't have to have money to have style. And not everyone with money has style either.

And you said your dad would be happy if ALL the children had contributed - in what way has your sister taken this into account?

"Just what will she 'allow' you to do?"

I don't know.

I want to make an agreement but all her suggestions have been far out of my price range and she is very unhappy at my home made suggestions.

I might suggest the two event thing, so she can have free range smaller posh do and I could do a home made thoughtful cheap and cheerful do.

Her DH is a decent photographer and it is his passion/hobby, however my husband used to be a professional wedding photographer and is very handy with a camera himself, not that he would put himself forward unless asked. So we'll have no shortage of decent photos, assuming my DH is allowed to take some snapshots. I understand her DH is setting up a studio in the corner of the venue.

"And you said your dad would be happy if ALL the children had contributed - in what way has your sister taken this into account?"

She thinks the more money spent the better and does not understand why I would not sit back and let her pay. She is a very generous person and honestly would of happily paid for it all and not mentioned it again.

I think she was shocked that I was so cross and upset. If we both get chance to calm down and think about the other persons feelings, maybe we'll find some middle road. I hope.

Absolutely. I hope she can come round to seeing what you can about it. Money cannot buy the special touches that only thought and style can supply.

I think having 'rival' events is about the worst thing you can do. You do seem to have forgotten about your mum in all this! It's not about whether you, or she, are happiest with the arrangements, it's about whether your mum has a nice time. If I was your mum I would actually rather not have a party than have all this arguing and fussing and people getting upset about not being acknowledged and so on, it all detracts from the point of doing the party, to make her happy.

I can actually see both points of view. Your sister is probably time-poor but has some money, you haven't the money, but are happy to spend lots of time making and creating to make it special. However, I think you are being just as unreasonable as her in not appreciating her point of view- if she is anything like me, she is not creative and hasn't time to spend making stuff. Like me with children's parties, I just buy it all in a package at somewhere nice, i don't get a hall, do the food myself and so on as I simply dont' have time, and prefer to relax knowing it is all in hand and I don't have to clear up afterwards.

In this situation, which you have created into a competition, someone will have to give in a bit to get a nice day. You can't both have what you want. I would personally be so delighted to have it taken care of by my sister, I would concentrate on getting a wonderful present and planning my outfit (perhaps your present could be a spa day or a day choosing outfits with your mum). I also think your sister is coming off quite badly, as your brother is doing nothing and probably paying nothing, but he is exempt from blame.

How about meeting up for a coffee with both your siblings and working it out face to face. Each outlining exactly what you would like to contribute, where you can be flexible and what you can afford.

It probably didn't even occur to your sister that you might feel so strongly about it all - and your brother really should do something...

I'm very much a home made person and would be even if I had the finances to splash - I personally hate that slightly clinical edge that bought has on it. That said - if your idea of "clean but basic venue" is a municipal type village hall (pretty ones are available but modern ones are generally grim) with horrendous strip lighting that will give everyone a migraine by 9pm - then I would let your sister go with a smaller venue...