DH wants to know his half siblings but doesn't know how or even if to approach them...

[ShinyMoonInAPurpleSky]

MIL had 3 sons(including dh) with dh's father, who she worked with and had known since she was in her early teens. They had a relationship lasting over 15 years and he was a couple of decades older than she was. This man was married and had 3 teenage children with his wife when dh and his brothers were born so I can only assume he was living a double life as dh says he remembers his dad living with them but he never left his wife either because he didn't want to do it while the children were still at home. DH's birth certificate even has some random reworking of his father's name in the "father" section because MIL and dh's father were so keen to keep their relationship secret.

DH's father died when he was a small child and his wife became aware (or may have already been aware) of his other children. DH and his brothers were not invited to his funeral and their names are not on his headstone, although his elder 3 children's names are (so we know what they are called).

Fastforward 20 odd years and I was in a beauty salon when I noticed the name of the woman doing my nails had the same name as one of dh's half sisters. (it's a small town and her first name is not very common which is why I think it's her, although I don't have any proof).

I mentioned it to dh and basically he hasn't got a clue what to do about it. He has always said he would love to meet his half brother and sisters, mainly because he would like to ask them about their father as he has so few memories about him. However, although we know that dh's father's wife knew about dh, we don't know if their children were ever told.

So dh is in a position to potentially contact his sister but we don't know whether to do it or not. I think if we did contact her a letter would be best but he is scared of how they will react.

It's such a horrible situation because none of this is dh's or any of his siblings fault and they can't help who they were born to.

What does everyone think we should do?

Is there anyone in a position to guide you as to whether they (the half-siblings) may know about your DH and his DBs? It would be a much easier (obviously) situation to approach if there was some knowledge of this.

I feel for you and DH, very hard situation.

If you don't know whether these half-siblings are aware of the situation, this would be a hell of a bombshell to drop on them. Potentially wrecking their memory of their father in the process. Not their fault that he led a double life and their mother may want to spare their feelings.

If he wants to meet them, I think the only fair route is via the mother. If she refuses to get involved, then I think I'd leave well alone.

I'm not sure it should be the decision of the mother. I think maybe approaching her first might be a good idea, but I don't think she should be the one who gets to decide on behalf of her (adult) children whether they get to know their half-siblings.

It's difficult though isn't it? If the children DO know and have made no effort to find their half siblings, then wouldn't that indicate they're not interested? If they DON'T know and it's 20 years later, isn't it selfish and cruel to drop it on them?

I think unless you can get confirmation that they're already aware of the existence of their father's second family, then it's unfair to force it on them after so many years. If I were in their shoes, I'd be horrified at my father's deceit rather than thrilled to find out I had half-siblings.

Hope for the best and prepare for the worst, is all I can think. It's definitely worth your dh trying to get in touch with his half-sister, but perhaps it would be a good idea to talk it through with a counsellor beforehand? It's very possible he'll be rebuffed.

what do his brothers and his mum think about it?

DH's godfather was his dad's best friend and dh has a feeling that he is still in touch with his father's other children but when dh asked him what happened to his dad's car (he knows this was willed to his father's eldest son), his godfather claimed not to know so dh got the feeling that he doesn't want to discuss it. There are also a number of other friends of his father, who have remained friends with MIL and may well be friends with the wife but again, no one ever mentions it.

MIL never knew his fathers wife personally so she wouldn't know how to contact her.

DH feels very strongly that in order to protect them, he wouldn't want to tell his brothers what he knew until he knew whether or not their siblings wanted to have any contact with them because he understands that if they don't it may be very hard to deal with. I personally think that he should tell his brothers but it's his decision. He's said that he wouldn't want to discuss this with MIL until he had decided whether to contact his sister or not (he didn't really give reasons why but I think it may be to keep the peace a bit).

Tough one. We've had this in my family (my grandmother was the love child). Once grandmother had died, my mum and her sisters trackedndown my grandmother's half brother and sisters. My mum met them and toldnthem about grandmother. These people are in their 80s!

I thought it was unfair of my mother to do to them. I told her that. She went ahead and afterwards when they wanted to establish a relationship with our family, my mum regretted it.

I have two half sisters overseas. I know where they are, but I have no idea if our mother ever told them about me. I think of them very fondly even though I have never met them, and just knowing where they are makes me feel content. Much as I would love to know them, why should I mess up their lives? What do I hope to gain? I might as well pick two people out of the phone book. So I have no intention of contacting them. That might change, but that is how I feel at the moment, and has been for 5+ years since I first found them.