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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed off that my parents won't visit now?

14 replies

googietheegg · 06/02/2011 19:31

I live abroad and my family all live in the UK. Until recently, DH and I have been v skint, but would pay to visit everyone at least once a year, driving round to see everyone. Just got back from latest trip and said to my folks that now our company was doing better we hope to come over more often.

Just spoke to my dad as I'm supposed to be going to see an apartment they were planning to rent for a week in May (they have money and would not want to stay in our in-the-middle-of-renovation house) and dad said that it just 'just for future reference' as now we're coming over more they don't need to come here.

AIBU to be pissed off? The point of coming over more was to see them more, not to 'save them the trouble' of visiting us! I want them to know where we are (they have visited twice in three years) and be part of our lives here, not just sit at home for us to visit them (which is expensive and tricky, but we're happy to - they never share costs).

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 06/02/2011 19:32

I don't think you are

It can be hard and expensive travelling with young children

Are they elderly or in poor health?

OTTMummA · 06/02/2011 19:35

YANBU, how selfish!
Why would they think this is ok?
Do they resent you not being able to visit often before now?

Seems like a very strange conclusion they have come to.

Maybe you should tell them your filling for banckrupcy and you can't afford it at all!

Original poster

googietheegg · 06/02/2011 19:36

My dad is not in great health, but neither of them is elderly. I don't think they actually want to come here. What pisses me off is that I often get wailing calls from my mum about how much she misses me, and I have to be really careful about how I say when we're coming over or where we're going to be for CHristmas etc, but this little nugget was just thrown in!

OP posts:

Original poster

googietheegg · 06/02/2011 19:38

BTW we're in a lovely place, exactly where they would have chosen to go on holiday, so I'm not asking them to visit somewhere awful.

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Pheebe · 06/02/2011 19:40

Presumably it was your choice to live abroad. Seems a bit unreasonable to me to then get all pissy because they won't come and visit it you. You say you want them to be a part of your life there but really why should they?

Perhaps they don't like traveling, perhaps they don't have as much money as you think they do, perhaps they'd like to go elsewhere for their holidays than just visit you.

Sorry, I think YABU

gordyslovesheep · 06/02/2011 19:42

Pheebe makes a fair point - it does seem a bit mean that they wont make an effort but they may have valid reasons not to (health, money etc) and you did choose to move x

Must be hard though x

Original poster

googietheegg · 06/02/2011 19:42

Pheebe, I do agree with you, it's just that they are changing plans now. I'm trying to see them more often!

OP posts:

Pheebe · 06/02/2011 19:53

googie, I can see how it would be upsetting and I'm sorry if I came across as bit harsh. We have a similar situation with my SIL only she takes it to extremes, gets extremely jealous of the rest of the family do things together and stops speaking to us for weeks at a time.

Its very upsetting and wearing. There are plenty of other ways to keep in touch (webcam, skpye etc).

Original poster

googietheegg · 06/02/2011 20:04

I think that's part of the problem - my mum can't use the internet and won't learn, so even though my dad and I talk most days or send skype messages etc, I only have big wailing calls with my mum (she's very busy). I s'pose I was just looking forward to seeing them and now they're not coming. I'm pissed off because I would have been sulked at for ages if I'd just dropped it into conversation that I was no longer making a planned visit. God I sound so childish!

OP posts:

Ieattoomuchcake · 06/02/2011 20:14

Actually I think YANBU.
I do understand what other posters have said re why should they make the effort to come to you, it was you who chose to move abroad.

But I think that the fact that they have just 'dropped' this visit is bound to upset you.

I hope that they make (and stick to) plans to come visit you soon.

kickassangel · 06/02/2011 20:16

i know what you mean, though. it seems to be that when someone moves away that it is considered their 'fault' for doing it, and friends/family then consider it too hard/expensive etc to visit, but expect you should go to them.

now, i can see their point to an extent, but then they can hardly do the emotional blackmail. after all, what do they expect? that you never leave home, move a street away, other end of the country? are there limits on how far you're allowed to move before it becomes a punishable offence?

we also find that when we go back to the UK, everyone expects us to travel to them, and we get HUGE amounts of emotional crap from MIL, who makes up lies, cries, etc to get us to visit her AND dh's extended family in N irleand (although she rarely bothers to go herself). we also have the 'refusal' to learn how to use phones/skype etc, followed by emails saying how much they miss us.

i think it's just that we've moved beyond their sphere of influence too far, they feel cut off & we get the back lash.

i don't expect people to trek over to see us all the time, but they seem to think 'out of sight out of mind' when it comes to them visiting us, but then apply the blackmail to try and 'force' us into visiting them.

i know it sounds harsh, but it sounds like she/they resent you for moving away, whilst probably loving you at the same time.

TarheelMama · 06/02/2011 20:42

YANBU. I'm in the same situation. My parents whine and moan for me to come home. I do, four times a year.

They came to see me two times in four years!

Of course I became a mum last year and they came over twice. I wasn't draw enough on my own but now that DD is here suddenly they can be bothered.

kickassangel · 06/02/2011 20:59

i can see the practical side to things - if i go home, then i can go to see everyone, but it does feel like we're being punished 'well, you chose to go away, so you should make the effort' kind of thing.

you know what? i didn't choose to get older, & leave home initially, that was kind of forced upon me (getting older being one of only 2 choices), my parents would NEVER have let me stay home forever, so how far did they think was allowable?

i'm sure that when dd's older i will face the same dilemma - i'll want her to be independent & happy, as long as she's independent & happy how i tell her to be! seriously, i really hope i never pressure her to do what i want, that she feels free to make choices that are good for her, without any guilt trip.

Original poster

googietheegg · 06/02/2011 21:05

TarheelMama - that's a good point - I do feel like it's not enough to see me, rather that it's been ticked off the to do list. It wouldn't bother me so much if it wasn't such a big issue when we visit.

My mum always says how she hates that I'm so far away and she'd love it if I lived in London and she could just hop on the train to come and visit. But she's forgetting that when I did live in London (for 6 years) she never once hopped on the train to visit!!!!

OP posts:

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