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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

stop the world dh is home

19 replies

Kitsichick · 06/02/2011 19:09

do others find this?
dh has been away all w/end sorting out his old Dad who lives miles away. He is also away a lot for business during the week. I have got used to being self sufficent and get on with things- when he comes home I am usually busy with stuff0 generally just having finished tons of house stuff and havinga quiet sit down.

He really expects me to turn the radio off, stop reading etc etc and pay attention to his every need IMMEDIATLEY, If I don't he makes a giant baby sulky face and accuses me of not missing him much (I do miss him but I understand this is how it is at the mo)

He wants to talk all about what he has been doing and very rarely asks me what I have been up to. When he does, its usually to criticise- 'why did you do it like that'/'why are you feeding the cats treats'etc etc

while he was away this w/end he knows the docs cane finalising our withdrawing form the China adoption process together with all our photos and the letter we wrote about why we wanted to adopt- a letter to our 'child'- seven years ago. It breaks my heart we are not going ahead but wouldn't get a placement till 2017- yet all he has blethered on about is how his Dad wants to keep his magazines from 1960 and why did I put the ceral in that cupboard not th eother one...oh! And he wiped all the worktops again saying (fondly) 'you always miss a bit. don't you'.
I can't work out why I am so mad or so sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitsichick · 06/02/2011 19:13

..or so bad at spelling. Sorry everyone- I should have checked this.

OP posts:
Sarsaparilllla · 06/02/2011 19:16

If I'd been away all week working and away looking after my father at the weekend, I'd be quite upset if when I came home my partner didn't want to speak to me tbh

I understand you being annoyed if he's only talking about what he's been up to but surely you can talk to him about what you've been doing as well?

BertieBotts · 06/02/2011 19:17

No, this isn't normal :( His behaviour - the criticism etc - is very belittling. The worktop thing is even worse because it's mixed messages, almost on purpose! Criticising but in a "fond" way?

It makes you feel sad because firstly he's completely riding over your emotions and making them completely irrelevant, while making his emotions out to be more important. And not valuing a thing you are doing either. The adoption thing is bizarre - I'm so sorry, it must be heartbreaking for you, especially to have no emotional support with it.

Has he always been like this?

QuickLookBusy · 06/02/2011 19:17

Sorry you are feeling sad Kitschick.

My DH can be annoying too, he works away all week, and when he comes in on a Friday, he is full of beans about his exciting week. Sometimes I just want to say "well I've been sat here all week looking after your DC, and I dont want to know you've had dinner out 3 times this week"

Do you think you are upset because of the adoption process ending? Have you managed to talk about it with DH? It must be a horrible time for you. Tell him now you need to talk about it, and probably have a good old cry too!

BertieBotts · 06/02/2011 19:18

Also, I'd repost in relationships. AIBU probably not the best place for this post really.

Mollymax · 06/02/2011 19:19

I am sorry you felt you had to withdraw your adoption application.
I expect it is this that is really bothering you, and all the other little niggles mount up.
Try and talk to your husband how you feel.
You don't want this to fester, so yo feel resentful.

Lulumaam · 06/02/2011 19:19

he sounds , and I know this is a strong word, repulsive.

totally self absorbed and subtly nasty

I am sorry about your adoption application having to be withdrawn. that must be very sad.

BertieBotts · 06/02/2011 19:20

Sorry wanted to clarify - him coming home and being put out if you didn't look up from your reading would be normal, him coming home and immediately expecting you to drop everything and look after his every need is not. And the sulking is not. And all the other things you mention are not.

Original poster
Kitsichick · 06/02/2011 19:21

Mmm Sarsparilla- it isn't like he wants to TALK to me, its more he wants to dowload all his achievements as if he was at a public meeting. And if I dno't pay close attention or can't quite recall something he gets exasperated and says 'If you listened better and remembered more you would be more interesting'!
I am sure I am upset because of the adoption process ending. His take on it is 'you agreed to end it so life goes on'. He doesn't see I will always be crying inside for our last chance of a family.

Was he always like this? Yes, I think he was but I used to stand up to him and say 'hey- what about me?' I don't seem to have done that for a while. I'm too sad to cry if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitsichick · 06/02/2011 19:22

Thanks for tip Bertie Bott. I will repost there.

OP posts:
marmy55 · 06/02/2011 19:22

No, this isn't normal His behaviour - the criticism etc - is very belittling.

but you could say the OPs behaviour, i.e. ignoring the OP when he wants to talk and discuss things, is very insulting too. He has been working and then coping with an elderly parent,

its not always cut and dried and the man is the evil beast

Original poster
Kitsichick · 06/02/2011 19:26

Didn't ignore him Marmy 55- made him a cuppa and helped him unlaod the car and asked how many times he had had to go to the skip with his Dad's hoarding (Long story) but then I sat down and started emailing and he got in a huff because I had put the doughnits he brought back in a different cupboard to where he would like them kept (!) and that moved into 'yes- you have cleaned the house- well- good- but there are a lot of bits you have missed...' and 'why ask for praise in keeping the house clean? YOU have had all weekend to yourself!'
He is an engineer and they seem to be so nitpicking and precise (she said, generalising like mad!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitsichick · 06/02/2011 19:27

'doughnits' ha ha:)

OP posts:
Alouiseg · 06/02/2011 19:30

Fuck that! Make him watch "Sleeping with the enemy"

BringOnTheGoat · 06/02/2011 19:33

His behaviour would make me feel utterly miserable - have you spoken to him about how you feel?

BringOnTheGoat · 06/02/2011 19:34

Alouiseg

recklesswoman · 06/02/2011 19:35

Too sad to cry is worrying - please look after yourself.

He sounds controlling tbh, maybe Relate counselling would help, he might not realise the impact his behaviour is having on you.

BertieBotts · 06/02/2011 19:36

Too sad to cry :( I've been there and never ever want to go back.

BertieBotts · 06/02/2011 19:39

Marmy this isn't about man-bashing! The OP is unhappy and I can't see much from her post that she's done wrong. Where do you get that she's ignoring him from? Confused

Obviously there are two sides to every story, but we only have the OP's side, and if one person in a relationship is that unhappy then I doubt the other one is ecstatic about the state of things either.

Did you see my post at 19:20? I wasn't objecting to the question asked in the title, the rest of the post just sounded desparately unhappy.

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