in thinking my ex-h is actually being really tight?

[LifeIsButtercream]

Ok, please feel free to hurl 's, I know I am lucky to receive anything from ex, and I do appreciate what he does give, but I need to get this off my mind before I throw a huge tantrum and scream!

Ex-h left when when DD (now nearly 2) was 4 months old, he moved back in with parents and pays no rent, bills, expenses, food, etc. He drives one of their cars, which they tax and insure/maintain, he pays for his petrol share. He took our main income with him, leaving me on SMP and then a part-time salary which equals roughly 1/4 of his full-time salary. He pays what he says the CSA suggests (used calculator on webpage).

Me and DD live in a small flat, we have no car, I struggle to pay the rent and bills and every month our outgoings are higher than our income. My parents very generously help us make ends meet.

Ex is aware that we struggle, he has seen me go without to ensure DD gets what she needs. I asked him if, while he is living at his parents, he would be prepared to give us a little more money, don't get me wrong, I don't want his money, not for me, I want to provide DD with a good quality of life. He said no, so I thought I would check with him what he felt his maintenance covers (as in goes towards, not pays cost of), he replied "everything, and than includes birthday and Christmas presents, so make sure DD knows they are from me too" - he then appears at Christmas with 'extra presents from Daddy'.

I don't want to tell the amount he gives, but lets put it this way, it is less than half the cost of the nappies that DD gets through in a month. It is the right amount of his salary according to CSA. I kinda blew up at him recently and said that I'd like our outgoings to be limited based on my income but tough shit! Ex boasts regularly of the new clothes/take away food/DVDs/electronics/etc that he has bought for himself recently.

I know I seem ungrateful, but I can't help but think that if it was the other way around I would be giving more, because I LOVE my DD and want her to have a great quality of life, and not be bought up with stress and final bill demands hitting the mat every day. I would give whatever it took for that to happen and go without myself rather than splurge it all on myself and refuse to help. (If you ask him, he will say he 'cant afford' to give more).

At the end of the day, who is DD going to want? Mummy who has to say no all the time, or Daddy and his 'extra presents'?

I don't care what he earns but I think he should give £50 a week. Seems a reasonable sum.

Once you meet someone else and build a relationship, you will be able to have a better quality of life.

It wont always be this hard.

And your daughter will grow up knowing you were the one who raised her and appreciate you for that.

You're not ungrateful, he is letting his child have a fraction of the lifestyle he has for himself. Its not about you, its about her. He lives the high life while she's got a mother who is struggling to house her.

Tell him you'll go to the CSA unless he ponies up more cash. The prick.

Go to the CSA and formalise it.

As hard and unfair as it sounds now I have to agree with bubble here, at the end of the day hes missing out on raising his daughter, and your not.

My ex buggered off and left me when I was pregnant with DS 1 whos now 17, I was in hospital with a threatened miscarriage and got discharged to find he had hired a removal van and emptied the whole house of all the furniture, needless to say I never got a pennt in maintenance for my DS lol.

But I can totally see why you resent your ex.

Your DD will want the parent who was there to hold her hair back when she was sick, who gave her cuddles when she was sad, who admired her paintings, who held her hand at the dentist's, who helped with her homework, who encouraged her to reach for the stars and supported her all the way.

You, in other words.

No amount of 'extra presents' will ever equal that.

I know this because my ds1 has had next to nothing in the way of emotional and practical support from his father over the last 12 years, but plenty of expensive gifts- but it is me (and my DH) that he comes to with pride when he's got a good mark at school, or achieved something he has struggled for. His father is like a sometimes-interested-sometimes-generous uncle figure- he loves him, but in a slightly abstract way. He knows the difference- and your daughter will too.

I managed to stay well clear of the CSA but aren't you supposed to calculate the "reasonable" amount of maintenance taking gross income less outgoings like rent or mortgage, household bills and other essential expenses? Only I'm betting that your ex has thrown these non-existent outgoings into the pot whereas, if he calculated the amount fairly, the actual maintenance would be considerably higher.

I'm not sure Gloria , unless it changed, I thought it was just the income that was taken into account, not outgoings, am going to have a double-check now.....

I have not had a penny maintenance for mine. ex basically says that he will pay if he sees them (they dont want too.. long story)
every xmas and birthday he spends stupid amounts of money on presents but they are not silly. They have seen the sacrifices i have made to ensure there is food on the table ect. They cannot be bought or bribed and as children get older this becomes more apparent.

His maintanance is suppose to go towards to day to day living expenses of your daughter it does not include xmas or birthday presents so DO NOT put his name on anything you buy.

Good luck and things will get better