To think i may as well be a single parent

[softglowsandmaybes]

My DP is working again!! He has worked every Saturday since christmas, he probably wont be in until after bedtime and then he will eat his dinner and fall asleep on the sofa. He will be too knackered to do anything tomorrow. He works for himself, but is a pushover and lets clients harrass him into doing extra stuff and employees take the piss to the point where jobs get behind and he has to put the extra hours in and we don't actually even earn any extra sodding money for it. He has not been home before 8.30 every night this week and the only reason he has seen DD is because i kept her up late one night so she could see him.

I know, i know he is working hard for us, and i know that lots of people have to do this, and i get that, i totally do.

BUT it doesn't make it any easier having to effectively cope on my own, especially when the little time we do get together he hardly speaks two words.

Im making positive steps for myself now, its like ive got to the point and think, well, you know i can't be doing with waiting around for you anymore, i've tried to help with the business but i can only do so much in terms of moving jobs along and then im only nagging and interfering anyway . So whilst im positive that i am doing something for myself now, some volunteer work that may lead me back into my old career (or may not, thanks for nothing pfizer)it feels like a step away from my DP. Does that make sense? It shouldn't do, but it does, because of the reasoning behind it i think.

Whilst he doesn't say it, he is also a bit about me doing the volunteering, sees it as taking the piss and we really do need extra money, i am applying for loads of jobs but not in the field im qualified in. I can't just walk back into my old career because ive been out of it for too long, i need to do the volunteering to get my hand back in, as it were. Trouble is it does stress me because i know that while im doing that im not contributing. I find it difficult to get other types of work because im highly qualified in my field and it puts people off when the jobs dont require that. My problem being, highly qualified, underexperienced.

It worries me, feeling like this, i feel like im breaking bonds

YABU - I'm sure it's not what you signed up for - you prob expected more time together and more equal parenting. However as a LP I miss having company of an eve (even silent asleep on sofa company), I miss having someone to share the little things DD does. Being a LP is more than doing childacer alone. I said to XH 'I may as well be a single mum' - how wrong I was!

I take that on board i really do, and i have been a single parent, so i know its hard and i would have my situation over the reality of being a lone parent any day. BUT i am genuinely worried that one day, and that day could well be soon, that actually being a single parent might offer the happier alternative :(

So would you taking a job/any job free him up a bit?

Tbh the way the Market is at the mo you might have to take anything

fwiw I'm in a very very similar situation to you, have a masters in Economics but I'm going for a call centre interview on Monda, just customer service crap for a utilities company. But hey ho- cash is tight!

Why is he paying wages for ineffectual employees? You made the point jobs are hard to come by, and if his employees are not pulling their weight, so your DP works a shorter more effective week at work, could he not look for better more committed employees?

Can you keep quiet about how qualified you are? Only put what is relative to the job you are going for on the CV?

It sounds as if you, yourself are shifting your loyalties, as if you are stretching your bonds. But life moves on, and your DP is part of that life. Perhaps he needs to realise that more.

ladyofthehouse, actually, no it wouldn't make any difference to him at all in terms of the time he is spending working. In some respects it will increase the pressure as i wont be free to do the admin at a drop of a hat.

You are absolutely right about me taking a job to ease the financial pressure though, but the pressure from his business comes from his poor organisation.

I WOULD take anything, seriously, i would do any job, but i can't seem to get a look in. If i don't include my PhD on my CV i have a gaping hole in it, especially taking into account i have been a SAHM for five years now. Going back to my original career is more a result of, well, ive tried to get "any" job, but i don't seem to be having any success.

Good luck with your job start on Monday btw

Why would you be happier? Cos you don't get the time together you wish you did? Being a couple is going thru the hard times too - or is there more to how you're feeling?

I don't think doing something for yourself is a step away.

Matureunistudent - to be fair he has learnt his lesson re the employees but is still picking up the flack from the last guy who messed him about.

I just want a normal bloody family life, with not too much stress and maybe a holiday, you know, once every four years or so!

Bringonthegoat, there is more to it yes, but i dont want to cloud this particular issue with it. We have been together for 20 years now and the last five years have been shit to be honest - i dont imagine ever having him not be there, but well, at the moment, he isn't here is he.

Thank you :)
I think tomorrow then you need to sit down and tell him exactly how you're feelig, everything you've written down here, and try an come to a mutual arrangement ie-he promises to be home before 6 at least every Tuesday/Thursday etc
perhaps it may be worth him visiting his accountant to look if he's bleeding money somewhere?

I wanted those things Soft. I didn't get it. No holidays in decades and no husband and double the national average of children to bring up as a single parent.

In looking for jobs, I taylored my CV to suit the job. I learnt quickly that not doing so, earnt the inevitable "over qualified" comment and no job offer.

Oh and someone please tell me to get back to studying. This mumsnet place is lethal!

GEt back to studying right now this minute - i am so glad i didnt know about mumsnet before i did my degree!

Lady I am his accountant :(

I really do feel for you. My DP is self employed and it's really really shit when they're away 24/7 but not bringing in the amount they're supposed to, especially when other things get complicated too

Is there any govt funded business assistance near you? They can be soo helpful - usually called like 'enterprise britain' or something, they may be able to help with grants/tax relief/advice?

when my children were very small, pre-school, my oh used to commute into work (2 hrs) work a shift of 8 or 10 hours then another 2 hrs back

i felt like you do that I was a single parent without any benefits and i was quite lonely, being miles away from family/friends, but tbh I just had to get on with it. wasnt nice but doesnt last forever

Thanks for that lady, i don't know if my partners business counts a a "business" he is a builder, and we sort of stumble from job to job - he is a brilliantly talented carpenter who can literally make anything from scratch, by rights, we should be millionaires. I will definately have a look into it though as he has so much to offer, but neither of us are really very good at the business side of things.