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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Discipline of DCs in public

63 replies

sevenstarsinthesky · 04/02/2011 22:45

I saw a woman "carrying" her screaming toddler crying and sobbing across a supermarket car park dangling by the hand. She piled her into a white van with bloke and other kids waiting and sped off.

Don't get me wrong, I'm the last to get all judgey pants on the world. I've been known to rugby-ball carry my 2yoDD back home from the shops before so I have no place. Pot kettle black nallthat. I just couldn't help feeling 'whatiftheressomethinguntowardgoingon', 'shouldistepin', etc.

Poor little mite was so unhappy and her mum just seemed to be so irate. Broke my heart to think of any child being that miserable, let alone at the hands of a parent. But I know, down to experience, that they're not angels all the time.

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 04/02/2011 23:12

I think you were a bit judgey and spectatory, OP, to be honest.

"I saw a woman "carrying" her screaming toddler crying and sobbing across a supermarket car park dangling by the hand. She piled her into a white van with bloke and other kids waiting and sped off"

So you were pretty much observing her for at least 30 seconds, probably closer to 45, to see that scene unfold.

Got a bit of time on your hands?

JamieLeeCurtis · 04/02/2011 23:13

Yes - Luca and Agent - to look or not to look? To smile sympathetically or not to smile? Grin

Or (God forbid) - to attempt to say something sympathetic???

Original poster
sevenstarsinthesky · 04/02/2011 23:17

tattydevine was loading my shopping into the car at the time. But yes, probably giving it too much of my attention for sure. I agree, I should wind my neck in. Would hate it of the shoe was on the other foot, as probably was in the past during aforementioned incident.

OP posts:
GreenEyesandHam · 04/02/2011 23:17

I try to look and smile, in a sympathetic manner. Trying to convey the words;

'I'm not going to look away my friend. I know your pain, I feel it. Your child's tantrum does not inconvenience me, or any other of our fellow shoppers. Deal with your child, as only you, as his/her parent can. I will not judge*

I suspect it looks like I'm stood there enjoying it Confused

JamieLeeCurtis · 04/02/2011 23:19

Grin GreenEyes

Original poster
sevenstarsinthesky · 04/02/2011 23:20

bellychuckle greeneyesandham Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
sevenstarsinthesky · 04/02/2011 23:22

Hope it comes across sufficiently that I was, and have been, struggling with my reaction. I'm not proud. Hence post.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 04/02/2011 23:23

JLC, it's that awful bubble you're in thinking that everyone's judging you to be a crap parent for not being able to control your DC, and not knowing what to do for the best.

It's all very well thinking that people are sympathetic to your cause, but in reality that's not forefront in your mind at the time.

I can imagine that some might direct themselves onto the cause of the incident ie the DC, and behave in ways they'd be shocked at in calmer times.

GreenEyesandHam · 04/02/2011 23:24

I think in future I'll 'TUT' and look away :o

It does to me sevenstars, yes :)

JamieLeeCurtis · 04/02/2011 23:24

sevenstars - don't worry - you may, in fact be correct in thinking this was routine, nasty behaviour etc, but we simply don't know

littleducks · 04/02/2011 23:25

Someone witnessed dd having a tantrum after going to a birthday party when she was 2 and called the police.

It really didnt help at all and i was really angry/mortified at the time. Now i cant wait until she is ateenager so i can embarass her with the story.

I'm currently nervous as tomorrow is the first friends birthday party she has allowed to attend since, she is now 4.

cornsilk · 04/02/2011 23:27

No-one should have to travel in a white van

JamieLeeCurtis · 04/02/2011 23:27

Agent - In the Best Friend's Guide to Toddlers, she talks about one of her friends making a sign that she held up when her toddler was having one of it's spectacular meltdowns : Beware! Tantrum In Progress. Made bystanders and onlookers laugh.

I could have done with that with DS1 - he was championship standard and there was often nothing you could o to stop it. Just wait it out.

AgentZigzag · 04/02/2011 23:29

Fucking hell littleducks Shock

I'd be in two minds, pissed off they'd think I'd do anything to the DC, but kind of glad someone worried about her enough.

How did the police handle it? If they knew where to find you was it someone you knew?

Original poster
sevenstarsinthesky · 04/02/2011 23:30

littleducks - nightmare. Can't imagine. Might be inflammatory here but girls do seem to be worse, don't they? The child I saw was a girl too. My DD can flip on the melodramatics at the drop of a hat but DS seems to be much more laid back. Good luck tomorrow. Smile

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 04/02/2011 23:30

Grin cornsilk

The state this country is in...

littleducks · 04/02/2011 23:38

It was outside our home (and technically dh was dealing with it not me so I can distance myself from that aspect)

They turned up very heavy handed and scary insistent on 'seeing the child' and asking if dh was the 'childs real father' but once they had seen that she was clearly unharmed, had calmed down and was dancing about with her party bag they left.

GreenEyesandHam · 04/02/2011 23:42

Christ littleducks that sounds horrid.

Good luck for tomorrow, I suppose if you can get through it without the emergency services being called,you can class it as progress :o

You have to laugh about it don't you, I didn't know what mortification was until I had my youngest.

I thought I did.

But I didn't

HelenBa · 04/02/2011 23:47

have also done the tucking screaming toddler under arm thing but your thread has me wondering, how would you know when it's not all ok and you should step in? thinking of the james bulger image as they walk away...

Morloth · 04/02/2011 23:52

I always go for the sympathetic smile, used to appreciate them myself.

I dragged DS1 once, he was having a full screaming wobbly and I couldn't pick him up because he was kicking and biting and headbutting.

I grabbed his arm and kept walking, cue him doing that thing where they go all limp and turn into a dead weight banging their feet on the ground.

You know what the tantrum was about? I wouldn't let him go on the road. Fulham Broadway at around 9am in the morning. He wanted to walk on the 'black bit'.

Little Sod.

YABU by the way.

AgentZigzag · 04/02/2011 23:56

mmmm fucking good question helen.

It's such a fine line, especially when your heart strings are pulled by the most innocent of a parents behaviour.

Someone did intervene with James Bulger, so intervening wouldn't necessarily stop anything.

If you see something that you just know is wrong and you believe there isn't another explanation for it, you have to say something, and be prepared to take a gobfull and/or be wrong.

Either that or walk on by and live with your conscience.

AgentZigzag · 04/02/2011 23:58

I mean, and I've read it on here somewhere, it's the difference between parental choices and overt abuse isn't it?

mamatomany · 05/02/2011 00:02

My brothers daughter shouts get off me, you are not my dad when she has a tantrum and do you know he has never ever been stopped by anyone, which is a worry really.

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 00:03

I think if I was in any doubt at all, I would make a note of the vehicle registration.

maryz · 05/02/2011 00:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.