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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be quietly fuming?

22 replies

HarryDan · 04/02/2011 21:45

I snooped through DHs texts the other day, to find texts from a female colleague, which indicates they (and maybe others - not sure) have a regular arrangement to get stoned together every Friday after work. He was really happy that he has a regular babysitter now so he can do this

I know DH smokes weed, not my bag, but not the end of the world.

I am probably BU, cos I shouldn't have snooped (old trust issues rear their head occasionally) but I feel churny about him and this girl and their little meetings

He is a good husband in almost every other way, do you think I am being paranoid/ unreasonable?

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 04/02/2011 21:46

I think I'd like to know if there are others who attend these get togethers rather than just the two of them.

A duet would be a pisstake.

Sidge · 04/02/2011 21:46

Weeell, I would be more than quietly fuming I'd be fucking outraged and packing his bags.

But then I wouldn't want to be with someone that uses drugs and I wouldn't want to be with someone that sees me as a useful babysitter that he can lie to.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 04/02/2011 21:48

No. I think it is bloody ridiculous of him.

Who is the regular babysitter?

I don't think I'd be able to stop myself making snide references to it. But I'm a bitch. Ask anyone.

And you are going to get loads of posts saying you shouldn't have checked his phone. I say bugger that. If you have a pretty good clue your husband is keeping secrets, then you have every right to find out what it is so you can throw it in his face discuss it.

LoopyLoopsPoopaScoop · 04/02/2011 21:48

Are you recently married? (as in, now has a regular babysitter - you?)

hugebelly · 04/02/2011 21:48

What are you more upset about - the weed or the fact he's spending time with another woman?

I don't think you're paranoid or unreasonable. You clearly love your hubby and there's probably nothing in it. Just tell him you feel uneasy about it and see what he has to say.

Original poster

HarryDan · 04/02/2011 21:57

I do love my hubby and I do trust him...I don't think is having an affair, but I just don't feel comfortable with this arrangement.

The regular babysitter is another mum who has offered to pick DD up as we don't finish work early enough to get her. DD likes going to the house, and the mum likes it as DD is well behaved and occupies her daughter :)

DH always picks up DD by 5pm, then gets us a takeaway and movie to watch when I get in.

He is upfront about needing to relax/chill after work, as every other day he is rushing to do school runs.

I don't want to confront this, as I'd like to monitor the situation from afar if you know what I mean.

It is bothering me though & I don't feel v.affectionate to him at the moment as a result of snooping.

OP posts:

bubblewrapped · 04/02/2011 21:59

So what time does he actually finish work if he is able to pick her up at 5pm?

Is he stoned when he is picking her up?

Original poster

HarryDan · 04/02/2011 22:07

He finishes early on a Friday Bubble.

I wouldn't say he is stoned as in zombied, but he has smoked on & off for years so just kind of functions normally on it iyswim?

I need to confront him & resolve it or get over it, don't I?

OP posts:

bubblewrapped · 04/02/2011 22:08

He isnt driving is he?

If he is going to have a go at you for snooping on his phone, you need to tread carefully with how you broach the subject.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 04/02/2011 22:10

Er so he's driving whilst stoned with your DD in the car? And your concern is he's texting with a female colleague? Your priorities need re-arranging asap.

mutznutz · 04/02/2011 22:13

Does he drive to pick her up OP?

He's taking the piss out of everyone I'd say...you, the babysitter (who may fell differently if she knew why she was being used to babysit) and his daughter.

'Rushing to do school runs every other day' isn't exactly an excuse is it? It's what us parents do.

Why can't he get stoned at weekends instead?

maryz · 04/02/2011 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maryz · 04/02/2011 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheButterflyCollector · 04/02/2011 22:21

I wouldn't have him anywhere near my children. I'd pack his bags and he'd be out as I have no time for anyone who does any form of illegal drug. He'd be out even faster if he was driving my children having been smoking dope. His excuse is pathetic too, plenty of us do or used to do the school run, some do it then a full day's work and then collect the children and run the home singlehandedly without the need for drugs.

MadamDeathstare · 05/02/2011 01:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

christmaswishes · 05/02/2011 02:19

I wouldn't be so free and easy with him taking the drugs. It messes heads up. And driving while stoned isn't good news.

Are you just accepting the drugs because you are worried he will choose them over you and your daughter?

christmaswishes · 05/02/2011 02:19

I wouldn't be so free and easy with him taking the drugs. It messes heads up. And driving while stoned isn't good news.

Are you just accepting the drugs because you are worried he will choose them over you and your daughter?

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 02:34

To be fair, the op hasnt answered as to if he is driving or not.

It sounds as though he is, but it would be wrong to assume.

IF he is, then that is the same as drinking and driving, and if the OP condones that, then...

I am also of the view that someone who is stoned has much slower reactions, and shouldnt be in charge of a child.

Violethill · 05/02/2011 11:22

Whether he's driving or not, the fact that he's stoned while in charge of a child is totally unacceptable. Saying that he's smoked weed for years, so just functions 'normally' (?) on it, doesn't make it any better. In fact it would worry me more, that the father of my child is dependent on a drug to be able to get through the week and just deal with day to day reality. Its not the other woman you should be worried about, it's the fact that your partner needs this crutch to be able to function. Has he no resilience? Is he depressed? What does he find so hard about life?

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 11:26

I agree Violet. Nobody who is under the influence of weed is functioning "normally".

Well, it may be normal for them, but it isnt normal in the sense of sober/clean from drugs.

I havent got a big issue with people who have the occasional spliff, but people who need it to function, or are so immune to it that it is their normal self, are kidding themselves if they think that is "normal" to the rest of the world.

howlingcow · 05/02/2011 11:33

Aside from the safety issues-a lot of people will be affected by this if he gets caught driving while under the influence of drugs-especially with a child in the car. Any local journo's dream come true!!

Misfitless · 05/02/2011 20:30

YABU to be quietly fuming. You should be vocally and openly fuming and he should know it.

By staying silent and pretending you don't know when you do you are effectively condoning him being under the influence of drugs whilst being the main carer for your child.

I also think that if you come on AIBU and start a thread which leads MNers to ask reasonable questions in order to answer your thread (ie does he drive when stoned?) then you should answer our questions.

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