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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed with my friend who won't take no for an answer

25 replies

HollyFP · 04/02/2011 16:35

Friend (no DC) has invited me and DH to her DH's 40th birthday in a few weeks. We've exchanged a few messages today with me saying sorry we can't come, her saying "are you sure" and "can't you get a babysitter" etc etc. Party is for adults in the evening in busy central London.

My reasons for not being able to go: I'm still bf DD (6 months), she won't take a bottle so am still feeding her at bedtime, currently 8-8.30pm, meaning with travel, I'd only have about 2 hours at the party before needing to come home again.

But friend doesn't get it - I'm starting to get annoyed with her for being so pushy and not understanding my position.

How can I spell it out to her even more clearly that We. Can't. Go. Due. To. Having. Milk-needing. Baby.

OP posts:

KaraStarbuckThrace · 04/02/2011 16:36

I don't think you can, if she doesn't understand now she won't understand until she has little ones of her own.

belgo · 04/02/2011 16:38

She might not even understand when she has babies of her own (if she ever does), as plenty of mothers do leave their babies for a night out at this age.

I didn't, and nothing would have made me either. I wanted to be with my baby in the evening and that's all their was to it.

(now that they are older I love going out in the evenings).

Can you suggest meeting her for a nice meal during the day somewhere to celebrate her birthday?

belgo · 04/02/2011 16:39

there not their!

HecateQueenOfWitches · 04/02/2011 16:40

I think you've been clear. Not much else you can do.

Blu · 04/02/2011 16:41

Why can't you go for 2 hours? A 40th is quite a big occasion, if they are good friends? Or just send your DH.
Or depending on what kind of 'do' it is I would take the baby in a buggy and she can sleepin a corner - if it is a restaurant. Not if in a club, obv.
It's quite extreme for both of you (you and DH) to become recluses for more than 6m.

Original poster

HollyFP · 04/02/2011 16:46

Blu I'm not a recluse, I take DD all over the place, visiting friends etc, but during the day.
I don't want to be more than an hour away from home should DD need me later in the evening. Eg last night she didn't want DH to calm her down, only me would do.
It's in a club not restaurant.

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 04/02/2011 16:51

Could you show your face early in the evening with your baby? Are they meeting up somewhere first before going to a club? If so, I would leave at the point they move on.

Ooopsadaisy · 04/02/2011 16:56

Doesn't sound like much of a friend if she doesn't empathise with your situation.

neighbourhoodwitch · 04/02/2011 16:56

How annoying. Stick to your guns and if she still goes on about it just tell her politely and assertively (again - grrr). Good luck.

Original poster

HollyFP · 04/02/2011 17:00

The thing starts at 7.30 so not ideal for us to go for the start...I could suggest earlier in the day though. It just surprises me that she still doesn't understand

OP posts:

momentsintime · 04/02/2011 17:03

If she's a good friend and as it's a 40th I would make the effort to show my face if only for a couple of hrs. But that's me. i do think you need to invest in your friends sometimes even when it's not all that convenient. I'm sure she'd really appreciate the gesture. It's probably not the not understanding the baby bit and more the why can't you make an effort to come for a bit that's bothering her.

AgentZigzag · 04/02/2011 17:04

You'll just have to keep saying the same things and be persistent but polite, if she gets a bit partyzilla and shitty don't get drawn into it.

I can understand why you don't want to go, it doesn't make you reclusive

momentsintime · 04/02/2011 17:06

And TBH unless you have or have been around a BF baby then you've absolutely no idea of how restricting it can be that's why she doesn't get it. i know i didn't until i actually had DC

hairyfairylights · 04/02/2011 17:13

Just ignore her and her texts. No need to get wount up

Original poster

HollyFP · 04/02/2011 17:14

It's not her birthday its her DH's. That's why it seems strange for her to be going on and on...I could understand more if it were her party. We are not close to her DH.

OP posts:

Mishy1234 · 04/02/2011 17:15

Unfortunately I don't think it's something you truly understand until you have a baby yourself and are breastfeeding.

I would give her a final explanation and maybe suggest doing something for her birthday during the day instead? Other than that, maybe a bottle of a nice champagne given to her while she's in the club would at least show you are thinking of her.

YANBU. 6 months is a tricky age, as they're not established on solids yet (if at all) and definitely won't have stopped needing milk feeds.

belgo · 04/02/2011 17:22

momentsintime - I didn't find bfing particularly restrictive at all - I just took the baby out with me, to restaurants, cafes etc. Not to night clubs though!

A toddler/child is far more restrictive because you need to find a suitable babysitter, and that's not always easy.

rookiemater · 04/02/2011 17:24

Does she have DCs if not then she won't understand where you are coming from.

Perhaps you could suggest that you take them out for lunch on another date as Mishy suggests to show that they are important to you and its just logistics that are stopping you.

FlamingoBingo · 04/02/2011 17:26

Now this is why you should never feel obliged to justify decisions to people. Just say 'No, I'm sorry we won't be able to make that. I hope you have a lovely time and I'll make sure we get a present to X as soon as we can! Maybe we can arrange to all have lunch together to celebrate'.

Then she can't say anything - people will always try to solve your problems reasons why you can't make it, so better just not to tell them why int he frist place.

agnethafaltskog · 04/02/2011 17:29

Do they not have many friends so need you there to make sure there's a decent turn-out?

Original poster

HollyFP · 04/02/2011 17:37

agnethafaltskog I did wonder that, but I think there'll be plenty of his friends there.

Flamingo I did originally just say "sorry no we won't be able to come" but then she kept pestering for me to change my mind, so I felt obliged to explain why

I think I will stick to my guns in this case, otherwise I may be in for trouble further down the line! Lunch is a good compromise though. :)

OP posts:

kaumana · 04/02/2011 17:39

Had a similar problem recently. A good friend will shortly turn 40 and is having a swanky do in London. As much as I would love to be there I can't justify the cost for one night, flight, accommodation (they are all staying in hotels), outfit (spend my life in jeans) spends etc.

I'm hoping to treat her the next time she is up.

However, I don't think she is very happy with me, if I win the lottery though I'm there!

ladydeedy · 04/02/2011 17:54

Flamingo - you are so right! I have started using this approach and it works a treat. Especially at work! "No I cant make that meeting/drinks event/etc but hope it all goes well" etc... It's fantastic!

trixie123 · 04/02/2011 18:55

could your DH go on his own? Are they his friends or yours? totally understand the reasons you can't go but also remember what it was like pre DC when i probably wouldn't have understood why you couldn't leave baby.

Original poster

HollyFP · 04/02/2011 20:40

Trixie she is my friend, DH knows her a little but knows her DH hardly at all. I think it would be weird for my DH to go on his own tbh!
Even if you don't know what it's like with a baby surely you should just accept it will be difficult, not give the new mother grief!

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