To want DP to get his own car?

[RevoltingPeasant]

Genuinely unsure here...

DP is moving in with me soon and will be living c. 45 min from his job, as opposed to within walking distance, as he is now. The best way for him to get there is by car, but he doesn't have his own.

I do have my own, and I don't use it for commuting. So, problem sorted: I add him to the insurance and we're done.

But.... I only just bought my car, it is my first-ever car, and it will mean that I can't use it in the evenings and on some weekends cos DP often works weekends (which is when I do use it, to go to the gym, shopping, etc). I cleaned out my savings to buy it and I will then basically have to always check with DP before using it, as obv his work will have to come before me going to the gym etc.

His parents have just offered to sell him their old car at a good price and although it will cost him to insure it separately, he has the money in savings to do this comfortably. AIBU to ask him, or am I a cheapskate bitch?

if that works for you thats fine, but you have to be careful of getting into a mindset of always making allowances like that. The car is an example, you feel like you are being unreasonable but you aren't, and its a slippery slope if you aren't capable.

I agree with Ali - she is spot on.

not capable, careful, I'm sure you're capable.

if it is more convenient to have two cars then that is what you should do.

besides it will put mileage on yours and you would then have to up your insurance to put him on and include commutting on it.

two cars will be better than one.

Buzz I'm not.

Yeah I see what you mean: and I am bad with money, I earn enough but I do give it away. I will say to him that I want him to sort out his own car. I suppose I feel like he's moving to be with me (away from friends etc) but I know I will feel resentful if I can't use my car, if it gets dirty and he can't be arsed to clean it, or whatever....

Thanks for the good advice all! I am now Empowered.

Right. Back to work.

I'm not trying to take the shine off for you, and it's great that you are able to trust him around money.

But circumstances change. You are able to feel generous towards him at the moment, and therefore you may expect the same in return from him in future.
But perhaps he won't realise how much you subsidise, if all the bills are in your name. Are you really going to sit down each month and point out to him how much additional you are putting towards your lifestyle?

I wouldn't allow him to get into the mindset of not having to worry about the bills - it isn't a good way of thinking.

Equally, what if you have some unexpected expenses and are short of cash for a few months while he carries on spending as he normally would. What will you do then? Can you trust yourself not to become resentful of him, even though this is the arrangement you offered?

Get it all sorted on a proper footing, where you are equal partners in terms of managing and being responsible for the finances, life will be much smoother.

I see the OP as being sensible and knowing that the major earner contributes more she came on here about a car, and people are then talking about how she works out her expenditure/bills with her partner.

She never asked that question at all so cannot understand why people are trying to change her mind as to how she has it all worked out.

She seems highly sensible to me and is doing the right thing.

As an added expense occurs no doubt they will discuss how it is paid.

Let the girl move him in and sort the car out that is all she wanted advice on.

Not anything else.

its part of the same question.

Ali normally when a bill arrives, I'll say, 'Oh look, £30 for water' or whatever, 'can I have £12?' We just do transfers to each other as we both e-bank. Actually some of the bills were in his name when we lived together before but because we are now going to be living in a place where I am already sole tenant they are in mine.

Thanks Fabby, I do see them as separate issues, though I see why they're being raised, but I don't mind...

(I am a remarkably non-confrontational OP, eh )

RevoltingPeasant he's not moving in with you as a favour. It's what he wants, as much as you. I sense from your posts that you somehow feel you have to compensate him for having to travel further to work or not being so close to his friends. He's doing those things because he wants to be with you.

I think it's fair enough to split bills according to income. A separate joint account will be nicer for you both than handing money over to one another - you would each just pay in your share. But getting to work is something he needs to do for himself because you do need your car. Why start off by doing something that you know you will come to resent?

He needs his own car

Happy ending, if anyone cares

I talked to DP tonight and said that I had actually lain awake last night worrying that I was being selfish.

He was shocked and said, 'Don't be silly, I'll just buy my mum's car then.'

So I needn't have got into knots. Oh well.

to everyone who gave me advice!

Oh good, glad you got it sorted - not that it needing sorting seemingly but you thought it did!