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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling like an outcast

16 replies

HumanBehaviour · 04/02/2011 12:32

I met a man and fell in love. He was from another country. We tried living in my country first, he couldn't find a job, so we moved to his country - England.

Here I am with a lovely DH and two wonderful DS but I am feeling SO lovely and I am having a really hard time trying to make new friends.

Tbh, I've got two people I would consider friends, sounds quite poor, right?

I am missing my family terribly and I'm not relly getting along with the in laws.

I meet other parents at school and playgroups, have chat, but I never see them or become friends with anyone.

How do I make friends? I am a bit shy as well. I just keep getting the feeling that nobody really likes me.

OP posts:

Original poster

HumanBehaviour · 04/02/2011 12:32

I'm obviously not feeling "so lovely", meant to say "so lonely". Haha, freudian, maybe?

OP posts:

kreecherlivesupstairs · 04/02/2011 12:34

Have you looked at the MN locals pages? Perhaps you could arrange an event.
I feel a bit lonely sometimes, we have't lived in England for 11 years , but me and DD are coming 'home' in a couple of months.
I imagine I'll be in your situation then.

MrSpoc · 04/02/2011 12:34

Can I ask where you are from?

The best thing is to join clubs or activites that interest you. Also try and invite some of the other mums at playgroups for a coffee.

I know this can be hard when you are shy but give it a go.

reelingintheyears · 04/02/2011 12:36

It's horrid isn't it..moving to different places?.
We only moved 200 miles and it took us years to make real friends.
Mainly through DCs and work...

Why don't you ask the one's you chat with if they'd like to meet up for coffee etc when DCs are at school.
Or organise a small outing/picnic.

FlamingoBingo · 04/02/2011 12:36

Have you tried inviting people round for a cuppa? Or arranging meet ups outside of toddler groups?

Original poster

HumanBehaviour · 04/02/2011 12:41

I'm Swedish.

I have considered inviting people over but I don't want to make them uncomfortable by asking.

Part of me knows I'm being silly, I'm not gonna get friends if I'm not even trying.

OP posts:

SoMuchToBits · 04/02/2011 12:42

I do know what you mean - and I have lived in England all my life! But I moved around the country a fair bit earlier in life, so don't have many long-term friends who live near me. (I have some long-term fiends who live away, we still keep in touch, but it's not the same as friends who live nearby).

I agree it's quite hard to make real friends from playgroups, schools etc. I found I could chat to a lot of people there on a superficial level, but it was hard to make real friends, as a lot of them already have a social circle and don't "need" you in the same way as you need them.

Are you able to pursue any of your own hobbies (e.g. at evenings or weekends if dh is at home)? I was thinking of maybe some sort of evening class or group, as I think you are more likely to make real friends if you meet people with whom you have a common interest, rather than just having children the same age.

Most of the friends I have around here are people I have met through musical activities (band/orchestra), although some of them also have children around ds's age. If you did some sort of activity like this, there would be less pressure on making small talk etc, as you would already have some sort of common interest with the other people there. It could be any sort of activity, e.g. a sports club, dancing, art class, or anything really.

FlamingoBingo · 04/02/2011 12:43

Don't be daft - if you make them uncomfortable, then they're not going to be the sort of person you want to be friends with anyway! Arrange to meet up at a playground or soft play or something. I do this all the time and I've rarely had someone say 'no, thanks' - usually I've ended up making very good friends.

Be bold!

Original poster

HumanBehaviour · 04/02/2011 12:46

Nice to hear about people who sort of knows how I feel. I have got long-term friends too, but they live in Sweden.

I have joined a volunteering group and the people in it are lovely, but they are all at least 20-years older than me.

I will have a look and see if there are any other evening activities goin on in the area that look interesting. Great idea. =)

OP posts:

Original poster

HumanBehaviour · 04/02/2011 12:47

Thanks FlamingoBingo. I will try that.

OP posts:

FindingStuffToChuckOut · 04/02/2011 12:53

I think it takes 2 years to settle into a new country - just to start feeling 'normal'. I am originally from NZ & many of my friends are living in countries other than their original - for most of us it takes 2 years.

I initially made friends through work & flatsharing! It would be much harder now I guess living with my family & not really socialising with colleagues.

Keep at it - there are highs & lows where ever we live.

Capreece · 04/02/2011 13:11

Just ask them over - chances are they'd be pleased to have been asked. Maybe they're as shy as you. The worst thing they can say is 'no' and I bet you they won't :-)

Good luck

Blu · 04/02/2011 13:19

Join the PTA, if your school has one, and be part of the group that organises the cake sales and sumer fair. Th suggest you have a PTA 'out for a drink' evening after an event. It's finding ways to integrate, but by bit. 'Doers' and busybodies succeed in building fiendships quite quickly, so try and rememeber that no-one will be offended by anyone being friendly to them.
Also, invite children to play, and the Mums to stay for a coffee.

youngjoly · 05/02/2011 11:03

Agree with the two year thing.

We've not long moved houses, to a new village and are in the same boat as you. However, this time I vowed to get stuck in and to really make the effort. So I've invited loads of DDs friends over, and make the effort to chat to the mums when they drop off and pick up etc.

Best part of a year later, I've found a few mums that I really get on well with... and I've also found when I've got talking there are a lot of mums who secretly hate the school gate thing, and don't actually know each other as well as it may appear from the outside!

So go for it... IME people rarely make the first effort, but are usually quite responsive when you do!

cory · 05/02/2011 11:14

Hi! I'm Swedish and it took me a long time, but now I do feel very much part of my local community. Part of it for me was to find the right way in. Part of it was learning to make the right kind of light conversation.

What helped me enormously was parents' coffee groups. Not the big ones in the church hall with different faces every week, but the small ones that meet in people's homes every week or so, like NCT groups. In fact, I used to run an NCT group specifically for International Parents, that is parents from another country. We had parents from all over the world, some came and went, some of us are still here. 10 years later I still bump into people at dd's school or drama performances and recognise them from my group.

If your children are still young, maybe you could see your HV, or contact the local NCT. They might have a group that would suit you, or else you could offer to set one up.

Another way is to start inviting your dcs' friends round- and maybe ask their mums to stay for a coffee.

But I never found I could make friends at the school gates; too stressy, too cliquey.

IreneHeron · 05/02/2011 11:25

I've just moved to Scotland from London. I know nobody here except my DH's family. It is very hard. I'm used to having loads of friends so it is a shock to be 'billy no mates'. I've tentatively mentioned meeting for coffee to a couple of mums at the nursery, hopefully something will come from that. It is a really difficult thing to do but you have to brazen it out and be prepared for rejection. Eventually, I'm telling myself, I'll start to find my niche, hopefully you will to. It doesn't happen overnight or smoothly.

~Good luck with it OP. It is miserable isn't it.

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