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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

2 hours in new creche - cruel?

17 replies

fridayfunkout · 04/02/2011 11:42

My DH had a brutal day at work yesterday - worked from 8am-midnight on highly complex stuff, got home at 1am. He does a 4 day week and looks after DD on Fris. He is exhausted and his back is killing him (he has a damaged vertebrae so a long working day is vile for him).
He has booked a massage at this place which has a creche. He wants to put DD in it for two hours while he gets a massage then relaxes for a bit.

Thing is now he's booked it, he's feeling really guilty about it. DD is looked after by a cm the other four days a week and he feels that it's really lazy and cruel of him to 'dump her' for 2 hours (his words). I think that he is an incredibly good father and this is a one-off and he shouldn't feel guilty.
But having given him 'permission' I now feel awful for DD as it will be terribly confusing for her and possibly upsetting - she's never been before.

She is 14 months old, walking, and quite a jolly, social toddler.

Are we being cruel? Or are we being pfb?

OP posts:

mrsscoob · 04/02/2011 11:45

you both sound lovely, no its not cruel! she will enjoy it i'm sure, and he will feel better after, which will mean he'll have more energy for her.

KnittedBreast · 04/02/2011 11:45

i dont know what pfb is so i wouldnt like to say. you are being to hard on yourselves. tell his to go, no one will die and shel have plenty of fun. if he dousnt look after himself he will collapse and so will the family unit. Id enjoy it if i were him.

also big bonus points to him for feeling that way, i wish my dp gave a shit about our kids a bit more

Imnotaslimjim · 04/02/2011 11:46

Of course he feels guilty, thats all part of being a parent. Tell him to look at it from another angle - the oain in his back will be making him grumpy. If he goes and "dumps her" for a couple of hours while he has a massage etc, he'll be much more relaxed and less likely to be cranky with her (I'm sure we've all been there at some point!) She will be absolutely fine, and the day will be better for him having it done

mutznutz · 04/02/2011 11:47

It's got to be done. There's no point in worrying and you'd be surprised how into the new and exciting toys she may be.

In fact, the only tears might be when she has to leave said toys behind

SuchProspects · 04/02/2011 11:50

She'll probably have a brilliant time. A bit of variety is generally good for people - including infants. He should relax and look after himself so he's in good condition to look after her.

If it doesn't work out he'll know for next time. One 2 hour session is not going to ruin her life even if she doesn't have the best time ever (which she may - I use a spa with a creche that my girls love).

BertieBotts · 04/02/2011 11:50

It will probably be fine if she's used to going to a CM - but if he's worrying, has he checked whether the CM is free? If she doesn't have too many mindees that day perhaps she would be happy to have your DD for a one off of 2-3 hours?

FabbyChic · 04/02/2011 11:54

Aaaaaw what lovely caring parents. Your baby will be fine for two hours, he should go he needs it.

Original poster

fridayfunkout · 04/02/2011 12:00

Oh god - thank you everyone for being so kind .

I think that as I work ft and DH doesn't see her on the 4 days he works, we are very aware of making sure when she does spend time with us, it's 'her' time.

He does get him mum to help a bit on his days, he's not a total saint (though he's a star and I feel like I won the jackpot sometimes). She's on hol and the cm is very busy on Fris.

Imnotaslimjim - I'll tell him that, will make him feel better.

That's true mutznutz - new toys are taken very seriously!

Thank you, you lovely people. I actually name-changed for this as I am a coward, I think guilt causes you to lose a sense of perspective...

OP posts:

Original poster

fridayfunkout · 04/02/2011 12:01

suchprospects - is your spa the one with the same name as a type of cake? Cos that's where he's going.

OP posts:

Tangle · 04/02/2011 12:16

Completely agree with Imnotaslimjim.

Also worth remembering that its not as though he's "dumping" her at a creche and is then uncontactable. He's in the same building and he can tell them where he'll be. If, by some very small chance, she hates every last second then they can always give him a call. But there will be new toys...

All we can ever do is our best - and that means keeping ourselves in a condition where we can be good parents. Your DH needs a massage so he can be a better parent for the rest of the day (and probably the weekend). Arguably he'd be irresponsible if he didn't go :o

curlymama · 04/02/2011 12:21

You and your dh are doing nothing wrong at all. Presumably if she was very upset he could go and get her. But she will probably have a great time.

mum295 · 04/02/2011 13:22

DD (2.5) goes to nursery 3 days a week and then I have her the rest of the time. On one of "my" mornings I take her to the gym creche for 90 minutes whilst I have a waddle on the treadmill or whatever, have a long hot shower and blow dry my hair properly, neither of which I can do with her around at home.

She loves it and, as others have said, a bit of variety is good for them. I was a painfully shy child and I'm determined she's going to be socially confident (so far, she seems to be). It is also necessary for my sanity as she can be very clingy to me.

Your DH shouldn't feel guilty in the slightest, he's had a hard time a work and deserves it. I bet your DD will have a great time.

mumblecrumble · 04/02/2011 13:28

Mayeb your DD is enjoying a fun change too!

We have been throught the same guilt and reckon that you DH will be a much happier Daddy if he is relaxed and rested. Then they can play after lunch!

You should get one yourself too :)

SuchProspects · 04/02/2011 16:28

Friday - No. It's attached to our local council leisure centre. Great creche and spa but leisure centre has annoying policies that make the whole thing a tiny bit stressful, so I only go occasionally :(

But cake? Mmmm. Maybe I don't need a massage :)

Hope your daughter had a good time and your DH is feeling well enough to pamper you tonight.

Original poster

Fridayfunkout · 04/02/2011 16:41

Thank you again everyone who responded.

DH is feeling much more chipper after his massage and DD.... did not cry at all.
The creche was virtually empty so DD got one-to-one time to start with, then spent the rest of the session pushing the toy pushchair around. Wasn't even that excited to see DH when he picked her up (I think he was a tiny bit miffed!)

PHEW!

OP posts:

Imnotaslimjim · 05/02/2011 09:33

glad to hear it went well. It must be tough having both of you work. We tried it for a little while (DH ft and me pt) but it just didn't feel right and DD hated nursery. So we're waiting til she starts school in September. And I wish my DH would consider something like a massage or similar for his bad back, it really causes him problems and makes him very grumpy :(

Tangle · 07/02/2011 23:42

FFO - glad it went well and DH got his relax time :)

Imnotaslimjim - is it the "manliness" aspect of it your DH objects to? Would he see a physio more happily? Its working for my DH...

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