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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why do adults fall out with other adults ...

17 replies

whydothis · 04/02/2011 10:53

...when their children have had a fall out?

Seriously, why do otherwise seemingly rational adults do this? I really don't understand it!

My dd has fallen out with her friend. They are 9 years old.

From what I can gather it is six of one and half a dozen of the other - typical kids stuff "she said this ...so I said this" with a few dirty looks thrown in, culminating in some pushing and shoving.

I am really cross at my dd and she has been disciplined for her part in the fall out. I have told her that if her and x cannot get along then she must be pleasant to her but give her a wide berth. And that is where it has been left.

I tried to talk to the mother of x and got the filthiest look and a complete blanking Why?

Why, as an adult, act so childishly? I was gobsmacked.

So, AIBU to expect an adult to discuss this rather than shoot out dirty looks and ignore another adult?

Maybe I am BU, but I really can't understand the mentality.

OP posts:

FlamingoBingo · 04/02/2011 10:55

YANBU - it is very silly behaviour, but I have seen it myself with other friends. I haven't actually experienced it, thank goodness! Have had my children have bust ups with their friends, and there has been no awkwardness at all between me and their parents (with whom I am mostly already very good friends).

Chil1234 · 04/02/2011 10:57

YANBU but it's incredibly tough being on the other end. A child in my DS's class was regularly making his life very miserable with bullying. I made it plain to the school that it needed sorting and, to their credit, they tackled it. I'd always liked the child's parents well enough but until the problem was resolved I felt I had to avoid contact for fear of saying something I'd later regret...

Original poster

whydothis · 04/02/2011 11:11

Hmmm, I understand what you're saying Chil - I just wanted to discuss it with the other parent to make sense of it. I'm only hearing one side of the arguement.

Very hard to get to the bottom of something when you're getting dirty looks and shuns. We're adults.

OP posts:

swanandduck · 04/02/2011 11:20

YANBU. Some parents need to grow up themselves and stop rearing kids who will think they're always, always in the right.

kepler10b · 04/02/2011 11:22

YANBU - how childish of your friend.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 04/02/2011 11:34

YANBU. I refuse to get involved in my DDs spats. Although I don't speak to the mother of one of her classmates who always presents me with her back. UNLESS there is nobody else to talk to at pick up. She gets my back then.
Childish? Me?

Original poster

whydothis · 04/02/2011 11:48

She sounds like a delight Kreecher ...

OP posts:

TrillianAstra · 04/02/2011 11:54

Because they are not really adults, just children grown larger.

kerala · 04/02/2011 11:56

Pathetic. Her not you.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 04/02/2011 12:02

There is more for me to add. If I fell out with all the mums of the children that my DD fell out with, I'd have nobody to speak to.
It is difficult to be ignoring four or more parents when the next day she'll be mates again.

togarama · 04/02/2011 12:25

I've spent most of my life trying to get my head round this kind of behaviour.

Some people are just not rational. They act entirely on impulse without considering the wider implications of their actions or the effect on anyone else.

There's nothing you can do except take a step back and be the grown-up.

MorticiaAddams · 04/02/2011 16:42

If it is just a spat then YANBU but there could be more to it and you just don't know about it. Perhaps your dd has been picking on or bullying her and she has had enough. I know that the mother should still talk to you but perhaps she is just too angry at the moment.

Not saying this is the case but it's an option.

manicbmc · 04/02/2011 16:46

I don't understand people. It's no wonder some kids behave how they do though.

MillyR · 04/02/2011 16:48

I would consider it silly for adults to fall out over a child's behaviour, but I would also think it very odd for a parent to attempt to approach me and discuss what was going on between the children.

As far as I am concerned, if a situation become children becomes very serious, it is up to the adult in charge at that time to sort out. If it happened in the school, you contact the teacher. If it happened in your house, you sort it out. But unless you and the other parent live in a commune, there is no need for you to be discussing it with her.

I possibly would avoid a parent who tried to sort out a children's dispute by attempting to involve me in it.

Original poster

whydothis · 04/02/2011 20:33

I'm pretty certain that it's just a spat.

The girls are friends and tbh x is the stronger of the two personalities and the one who started the pushing and shoving.
This is not AIBU by stealth - I don't think it particularly matters who started the physical element of the arguement, as I said earlier, I know that my dd isn't blameless here.

I take your point Milly, but I talk to this woman every day. Our children are in the same class. They are friends. Surely it's stranger not to talk??
My conversation opener wasn't about our girls, it was something else entirely. But yes, I would have discussed the incident with her in a 'bloody-kids-let's-bang-their-heads-together' type of way.

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 04/02/2011 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

biffa11 · 13/02/2011 20:45

I think most of the time they're embarrassed and find it difficult to deal with. You'll always get the one that doesn't take it too well and believe their own child is perfect.

I find I've had parents tell me about my children and I've told others about theirs. It's not easy but I believe sometimes it is good to try to talk about it. It gets problems sorted fast before they develop into bullying. Parents are always looking for feedback about their children - we have to accept it can't always be good. It would be nice to be able to rely on the adult in charge of them at the time to sort it out but they may not have the time or inclination. A bit of support from a parent should be discouraged because it's our job to care.

She's obviously not a good communicater and perhaps a bit touchy. You've said it - smile through it, even though it's not nice to be blanked.

Good luck.

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