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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think not, but need advice...

25 replies

AGlassHalfEmptyNoLonger · 03/02/2011 23:16

and AIBU has a lot of traffic. Have also posted in chat

Okay, this is a bit different from the normal, but could do with some advice for my sister (hi sis ). Am posting here for range of answers, but will repost in other topics if it is recommended.

She is in her final year at uni and is suffering harassment from other students about her sexual orientation. She is straight, but hasn't had a boyfriend (as far as I am aware) whilst she has been at uni. She is also very tactile and will happily give female friends hugs. She is now being harassed about being a lesbian, and a good friend of hers (who has a boyfriend back at home) is getting very upset as she is being accused of being my sisters girlfriend. It may sounds trivial, but from what she is saying it is constant, and she has even posted a status on Facebook saying "xx is sick to death of this small town and its small minded population. I would like to state, for once and for all, that I am not a lesbian. Just because I do not have a boyfriend and I dare to hug girls this does not automatically make me a lesbian. So people can stop with the unfounded accusations and comments. Apart from anything else, its offensive to my friends who do have partners of the same sex."

Has anyone any suggestions as to what else she could do, or any legal knowledge of sexual harassment issues (and consequences, just to put the wind up them).

(I know this may seem trivial, but my sister has put up with being called a lesbian on and off since starting senior school. She will be 25 this year, so older than the vast majority of the other students, and is really fed up of it, especially the fact that it is now affecting her friends)

I have advised that she speaks to a tutor, but let her know I would also post here and see if anyone else had any ideas.

From their side, I reckon it is a mixture of her being an easy target (she is older, but not old IYSWIM, and is not the easiest person to get along with. If I am honest I think all three of us (my brother, my sister and myslef) have ASD traits, but it is not anything that has ever been tested for), and her doing so well at her course (she is on course for a 1:1, and her tutors are pushing for her to go on and do her MA).

For me, I am getting all momma bear over it. I can tease her all I like, but when others start upsetting her, I wanna protect her all I can. And so any information I can get for her, any ideas, any obscure bit of legislature I can find that she can quote to them when they start. I can't get to her, so all I can do is chat online and help all I can that way. I have even offered to pay for her train fare home this weekend, but she has a presentation to sort for next week and wont be able to lug home all the books she needs to prep for it.

OP posts:
Tortington · 04/02/2011 10:56

jesus, i can'tbelieve they are acting like pre pubescent boys - how juvinile - no advice sorry

Chil1234 · 04/02/2011 11:00

YANBU Bullying is bullying and the sexual orientation part is almost coincidental. I don't think she has to justify herself whatsoever but if she has evidence of particular people (who sound very childish) carrying out the bullying then she should report them to the university - who presumably have an anti-bullying policy.

KnittedBreast · 04/02/2011 11:03

at my uni all the girls were sleeping with each other so i have no idea what to suggest. isnt she a bit old to care much though? why dousnt she just say yes i do and be done with it?

MrSpoc · 04/02/2011 11:05

this may sound extream but why does she not say, "ok you got me I am a lezza"

Then they have no ammo and will probably congratualte her.

then if and when she gets a boyfriend she can say what the hell she likes.

FetchezLaVache · 04/02/2011 19:13

I can't believe they're being such wankers! Anyway, the uni will have a specific policy outlawing harassment on the basis of sexual orientation, inter alia. She could also check out the new Equality Act.

Has that Facebook status made any difference?

TheVisitor · 04/02/2011 19:15

She needs to speak to her tutor and maybe student services. This constitutes as homophobic bullying.

catinthehat2 · 04/02/2011 19:25

what in the name of Jeff is she doing making a post on FB like that for? Insane.

it's just inviting more & more interest. Sounds like an utter carcrash TBH

Really, time to grow up (25 you say? Hmm)get on with her studies and forget the 14 yo stupidity

other than that, she's sounds like a totally successful and immature attention seeker

kick up the arse time I'm afraid, sorry to be so unsympathetic, but you are being taken for a ride

" And so any information I can get for her, any ideas, any obscure bit of legislature I can find that she can quote to them when they start" FGS!

Callisto · 04/02/2011 19:34

Why would anyone care about anyone else's sexual orientation in this day and age, and especially at Uni? It's bizarre. Your poor sister.

LadyOfTheManor · 04/02/2011 19:41

A 1:1? A first?

Tell her to ignore the playground remarks. Good gosh. Grow up!

BringOnTheGoat · 04/02/2011 19:50

I worked with a female friend as a 'couple' managing a business - we were ripped mercilessly for being lesbian - we weren't. I just said 'oh - you caught me - yes that's right I'm a lesbian'

There is an element of 'the lady doth protest too much' with some people. The more you deny the more they go on. No reaction, no point in going on about it.

controlpantsandgladrags · 04/02/2011 19:55

The university will have strict policies regarding discrimination of any kind. She should report it to her tutor in the first instance.

I find it really odd that this is happening to be honest.......is it definitely her fellow students who are doing this and not kids from the local school? Is it a small town university?

JaneS · 04/02/2011 20:03

I'm stunned at people saying she should ignore it, or she's making a fuss.

I think if I were constantly being subjected to this kind of childish bullying, I'd be awfully tempted to put up a similar facebook status.

LaWeaselMys · 04/02/2011 20:13

I agree that actually they probably don't think she is a lesbian, but it gets and rise and they think it's funny.

At this age and social situation - and if you as the target don't also find the jokey-teasing funny, why would you still hang out with those people? You either get on with them and they're your friends and the teasing is mutually vicious. Or you socialise with other people.

If they're doing it during classes/lectures then that is a different thing and she should speak to the student union who will advise her about policies etc.

LadyOfTheManor · 04/02/2011 20:34

At my uni you were chastised if you WEREN'T gay.

RevoltingPeasant · 04/02/2011 20:44

Hmm, this sounds very immature for uni students to me. I teach several people who have cognitive/ behavioural difficulties and the other students are very accommodating or at best 'tolerant'.

She can go and talk to a tutor if she wants, but we are not schoolteachers and won't sort out playground squabbles. She needs to talk to the student union's equality advisor and/or LGBT issues rep or women's rep. Should be someone of the kind. Generally also a bullying/ harassment advisor in most depts who will be either a member of academic staff or a trained counsellor.

Again, find this odd though: I teach students with really noticeable behavioural 'tics' or who are a bit 'difficult' but most people can see that they face additional challenges and honestly just try to help them.

RevoltingPeasant · 04/02/2011 20:45

Plus she needs to take it off FB. That's just asking for trouble and the uni will not get involved in social media catfights between undergraduates. They won't have time!

JaneS · 04/02/2011 20:46

RP - at my uni, a tutor is the person you go to for pastoral care, not the academic supervisor. I'd say she should go to her pastoral care person (whatever their title is). It doesn't sound like a playground struggle, either.

ZillionChocolate · 04/02/2011 20:50

How would putting it on facebook help? Surely she's not friends with people who are bullying her?

Unwind · 04/02/2011 20:50

Immature, but it can happen. I could hazard a guess at the subject she is studying.

She needs to put a stop to this by either coming to terms with her own sexuality or lack thereof so the teasing doesn't get to her, or she should respond with fury the next time she is subjected to it. Tell them to grow up, their homophobic bullying won't be accepted once they leave their little clique behind, and they'll be seen for what they are.

Unicornlover · 04/02/2011 22:24

I think some of you here are being so bitchy about this. The OP's DSis is very grown up, (I am also part of the extended family) but after too much it gets past the point where you can ignore any bullying. I know this from my own past where I was bullied all the way through both primary and secondary school plus in work places. I actually suffer from severe depression and PTSD from the bullying.
OP, It is a breach of the Equality Act 2010 see www.equalities.gov.uk/equality_bill.aspx. I hope she gets it sorted soon

catinthehat2 · 04/02/2011 23:05

looks like you've been discussing this off board with the OP I'm afraid. certainly get hung up on the "legal" aspects between you but as an AIBU don't be surprised if noone else bothers with that. It's clutching at straws to think a big policeman is going to intervene in what is really a playground altercation.

catinthehat2 · 04/02/2011 23:07

I missed out the words self and inflicted in the above, feel free to insert them before playground

spongebobsquareknickers · 04/02/2011 23:51

dont forget, its likely the people who are bullying her are only 18. it is bullying, but she needs to stop rising to it and reacting like a child (posting on FB? ffs!)

why is she so offended that they think she is gay anyway? its not an insult.

GKlimt · 04/02/2011 23:57

Maybe close current facebook account? Can always open another, with stricter privacy settings and only invite her real friends - not the 'bullies' or 'jokers' ?

Like we tell our DCs keep away from the bullies, ignore them,report it to someone etc. If you feel she has ASD traits role playing this might help her act more assertively.

Original poster
AGlassHalfEmptyNoLonger · 06/02/2011 23:46

Thanks for all your suggestions and support, I have passed them all on (she does lurk on occasion but has sworn off for the time being as she is tackling her dissertation as well as presentations, seminars and the rest) She thinks they may have got the message they have gone too far, so isn't doing anything at the moment, but is ready to take it further if it hasn't stopped/starts up again.

To points made (in no particular order, and I am sorry if I miss any out):

Unfortunately she cannot/will not lie. She will not make things up, she will not accept an offer of having a male send messages/texts etc to make it seem as though she has a partner.

I suspect it is something they have found that they can get I rise out of, she is different from the others in many ways (supporting herself through uni using savings etc from her previous jobs, tidies up after herself, works all hours, has money left at the end of the term, doesn't go out on the piss every night/weekend, and so forth) and it is maybe just the thing they have landed on to annoy her with.

It would be a lot easier if she could rise above it and ignore it, but she has extremely low self esteem and barbs/'jokes' hurt deep. And when they are continuous, which this seems to be, it is even harder. The reason I am asking for advice is because I can see a lot of my younger self in her, but I learnt at a much earlier age how not to let people show it was affecting me, something she has never managed.

It is an extremely small uni town, students outnumber residents during the term, but it is definitely the university students who are causing the problems, not any locals.

The fb status in all honesty was her blowing off about it, she hasn't, to my knowledge, got the main protagonists, if any, as her friends, she was just letting off steam, much as I do with my blog or others do on here. Attention seeking, maybe, but a way of getting it out of her system (for the time being anyway)

Yes, a first (am really pleased for her, she's put in the work to get it)

Will and have kicked her up the arse in the past, when I know she's deserved it, believe me. This time it wasn't warranted.

Knew unicornlover was on here (introduced her to it), didn't know her name and hadn't spent any time online at the same time since this had kicked off. We live 4 hours drive apart (on a good day) and neither of us have credit for our phones. In short, I hadn't discussed it with her (if I had, she would have given me the link off board).

And unwind, I'd be interested to see what you think she is studying, just out of curiosity :) She's hoping to get a fantastic job at the end of it, already speculatively on the cards as she has volunteered through her holidays with the organisation anyway and they are really pleased with her.

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