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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to send a letter to my mum? (Long)

22 replies

RavenHairedPrincess · 03/02/2011 16:44

I am seriously considering sending a letter to my mum informing her that she is no longer welcome at my home or around my children.
She comes around with no notice, whenever SHE wants(never when asked or needed)and spends the entire hour she visits slagging my children and me off.

I have told her several times to watch her language as my eldest is starting to copy every word people say and I would rather he didn't learn the swear words if it could be helped but she refuses to stop stating that I swear around them (I don't thats my sister) and that she'll stop when I do.
My eldest is a little stroppy today as he has a cold so when he starts whinging she calls him a little shit (TWICE!!) and when I tell her not to speak to my children that way she has a go at me saying that I'm bringing them up wrong.

She also has informed me she isn't looking after them on a night out I had planned (or ever) because she doesn't want to have them when they behave like normal toddlers like "little fuckers", which to be honest is fine by me and I have already asked my MIL, Before I moved 120 miles to be near her when she begged she promised me that she wants to help out every now and then and wants to be a proper nana but has since changed her mind (when she got her own way of me moving).

I just feel so let down and annoyed with her, I try talking to her but her memory is useless and it doesn't sink in so I thought a letter may work better?
I don't mind her digging at me and slagging me off (I am used to that) but I don't want my children to feel the same way I did when growing up AIBU?

OP posts:

charitygirl · 03/02/2011 16:47

NO! Keep her well away. And dont ask her to come round even when you need her to.

mutznutz · 03/02/2011 16:48

There's not a night out on earth that would be important enough for me to leave my children with someone like that. Why would you even want her to?

I'd tell her personally but if you feel you can't do that then I suppose a letter will have to do.

CarolinaRua · 03/02/2011 16:50

YANBU saying this but I would do it in person. It might be the wake up call she needs

Original poster

RavenHairedPrincess · 03/02/2011 16:50

Believe me Mutznutz I don't want her to, thats why I asked my poor MIL to travel 120 miles for it, as thankfully we get on mostly and she wants to help out and be a part of her GC's lives.

OP posts:

cumfy · 03/02/2011 17:57

Does she drink much ?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 03/02/2011 18:05

move back?

Bogeyface · 03/02/2011 18:12

I was wondering that cumfy, or something else?

She sounds positively unhinged. But writing a letter would probably cause an unholy row with her coming round and banging on your door. So I would do it either face to face or over the phone so she can get her shouting done then.

Is there anyway you can move back to where you were before? I wouldnt want to be living anywhere near her!

skybluepearl · 03/02/2011 19:05

don't let her in! and move away if pos.

FabbyChic · 03/02/2011 19:08

Fuck that if anybody called one of my kids a little shit they would not step in my house again.

OMG do it if you can live without her being in your life and all she does is cause you grief you are better off without her.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/02/2011 19:28

Another vote for not letting her in and moving back that 120 miles.

ChilledChick2 · 03/02/2011 20:36

So, she doesn't want to look after them when they're just being typical children. Would you really want someone like that minding your kids?

Revenge (for calling you DC's 'little shits') is a simple dish best served cold. Tell her that you don't and won't need her to babysit ever again as you have a more respectful, loving and reliable babysitter, your MIL.

mankymummymoo · 03/02/2011 20:38

If the swearing is uncharacteristic and the loss of memory a recent(ish) thing, i would be worrying about alzheimers.

Original poster

RavenHairedPrincess · 04/02/2011 00:05

Unfortunatly moving isn't really an option as DH now has a great job and I am just starting to make friends.
My mother doesn't drink however she does suffer from hormonal depression BUT she is on medication and she has had it that long that it is just "normal" for her.
I have tried talking to her several times but it does go in one ear and out the other, to be honest I'm probably not coming across strong enough but that is because I was brought up to respect her and it's hard shaking that off.

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 04/02/2011 02:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Underachieving · 04/02/2011 03:43

Depression or not there's such a thing as boundaries and your Mum is overstepping them. If she can't be a positive influence in your childrens life they're better off without her. Sadly no, writing her a letter to say stay away is not BU.

missalien · 04/02/2011 03:55

Was she like this when you were small though? She sounds a bit mentally ill tbh

Unwind · 04/02/2011 03:57

The memory thing and the behaviour make me wonder about the early stages of dementia.

Which still does not make you unreasonable.

MsKLo · 04/02/2011 06:34

Even if your dh has a good job start looking for another job away and move when something comes up! Go to where your mil is!
Do not let your mum poison your kids with her vile ways

GotArt · 04/02/2011 06:47

Poor you. That's awful. YANBU but a letter might not do the trick. She would likely just slag you more. Have a going out bag ready at all times with some cash in it too so when she does pop in unexpectedly, you can say you were just on your way out to a friends for a playdate in about 20 minutes so can't visit; should've called first. Then go out for a coffee or something. Hopefully she'll stop coming by so often. Or move away. That's what I did.

onceamai · 04/02/2011 07:06

It's not acceptable behaviour, but my first thought too was about dementia/alzheimers. YANBU but I wouldn't write a letter. I would try to meet her on neutral territory 1:1 to explain your concerns and set some boundaries. I might also send a little card afterwards - with a very brief note like it would be great if we could work on this.

I wouldn't write a letter because it might be kept and come back later (be found by your sister in the sad event that something is seriously wrong with your mum) and come back to bite you on the bum.

Original poster

RavenHairedPrincess · 04/02/2011 09:50

Missalien her behave is mild now compared to my childhood which was one reason I said ok to come back as she had apologised and promised me she wasn't like that anymore.

Thank you for all your replies I spoke to DH last night and he suggested we go round there (asking my friend to watch the DC's for half hour) and tell her behaviour is unacceptable and she is no longer welcome around the children until she changes her ways.

OP posts:

Underachieving · 04/02/2011 13:32

If she's been like this since your childhood, even on and off, then it's abot an underlying attitude rather than just a behaviour and I don't think she can change just like that. Given a bit of therapy/counselling, the self-motivation to do so and the right (professional) support then yes, change is utterly realistic. I don't think you can support her to change though, I think she needs to seek that process herself in a professional way.

It's true what Alice Seabold said- "You save yourself or you remain unsaved". I am so sorry to spoil it all but you can't make her alright. You can only guard your children from the hurts.

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