In Actually Starting Feel Like Just Not Bothering Ever Again??

[rockinhippy]

Go easy please, as naturally this is upsetting, but I am genuinely wanting unbiased views as to where to go next

Long & complicated background, but in general I have to put in mildly a difficult relationship with my Mother, who is extremely controlling & uses her ill health to have people around her accepting her often outrageous behaviour & bowing down to whatever she wants petulant tantruming throwing DC is pretty much a good parallel of her at her worst :(

She has had it in for me for years, is obsessed with my Brother & tries hard to play us off against each other, whilst saying she would hate us to fall out & has at times had me cut off from my whole family for years on her say so, she lies, manipulates etc etc, at other times she can be generous, sweet, charming & generally very lovely, so people not close often cannot see her for what she can be like, though I have had my Aunt tell me once that Mum has just never liked Women

Personally I think there are mental health issues at play, she fits the BiPolar 1 profile to a tee, & I wonder if this is possibly linked to her MS diagnosis, definitely in part to her Diabetes too, but thats made worse by a weird form of self harm, though she also fits the profile for Narcisstic Personality Disorder, even as far as her back ground etc.

I have for the most part rolled with the punches, smile sweetly & grit my teeth accepting it as her illness & trying to rise above it all, which has been easier since her creating a situation where as I was excumunicated from all of my family for my wedding, birth of Dd etc etc....though at the same time trying to get my Dad & Brother to see that her moods & controlling behaviour need discussing with their Doctor.as he might be able to help.....out of loyalty & old fashioned ideas on mental health issues...he won't...I could go on & on & on & still only scrape the surface

my only saving grace is that I live as far away as possible & yet be in the same country:(, this both makes it easier & more difficult all in 1 & my leaving home & moving away is I believe why I get so much grief from her, that & being the DD & "thats what DDs are for"

Its worse again, because after her taking ill a year ago & ending up in Hospital, whilst ringing me saying she had had a heart attack, & then later a stroke & was dying & was sorry etc, I had DD very ill here, & was in a state as to what to do, speaking with the Hospital directly I was told they weren't allowed to tell me anything, but that she was comfortable & would be going home later.... I spoke with my brother & made him go & ask the Doctor directly as to what was going on.....he did, she was in for her diabetes, NOTHING else & she had told Doctors they weren't to tell me anything

she STILL tries to insist she had both heart attack & stroke & nearly that day, like some sort of "I dare you to contradict me game"

They've moved now, away from my brother, Mum thought he would follow them he of course didn't & makes no effort to visit them, once only in nearly a year, last week & he had to be collected & she's angry & depressed as a result, & her game playing with me, & therefore DD to has been off the Scale for a while now, like some sort of bizarre Cat & mouse game, where she can be in control

Since the weeks before Xmas I was to visit, not an easy journey because of my own health problems, bought my tickets, she blew her top, don't even remember why as its so frequent & rarely for any really reason, but had my Dad ringing & asking me not to go, as it would just cause to much trouble:(, I then got a call from her asking when I was coming,...then blow up again....then insisted we went in term time, which I almost did, but we all had a nasty virus & I had to postpone, for their sakes as much as ours, lots more gone on, but again not spoken to me for a few weeks, which means not speaking to DD either :(

Every School holiday since they moved has had me tooing & froing as to when we go, she gives us dates she will "accept us" ALWAYS in term time & end up booking tickets & canceling & on & on, & I just get so fed up with it all, as feel like ALL our family plans revolve around her moods, & I can never book cheap train tickets as they can't be canceled....previous to the move I stayed with my Brother & would visit them in the day, though we were always expected to go out & leave her to rest in the afternoons, I went along with this, but to be honest have resented the implication that DD is too noisy etc etc, when she is anything but, & the reason I make such an effort is so they can have a relationship with their
Grandaughter.....

& don't get me started on my recently setting up Skype & video phone at home & trying to do the same for them & Mum doing her nut as not wanting to be "seen" looking rough....Family FFS!!!!

Okay...question & need for perspective at whats turned into a rant

I'm so sick of this, that now I'm getting texts again (Dad daren't phone me in front of her or he gets hell:() asking when I'm coming up, part of me feels like saying...NEVER!!!

My Brothers visit had him booked into a Hotel, because HE won't stay with them because Mums claustophobic attitude drives him nuts, & also in his words "I need a spliff after half an hour with her & can't smoke there & need a bolt hole to escape.

So from that, I now have her telling me over & over again how thoughtful he is to pay money & stay in a hotel when he knows how ill she is & how he would never be so inconsiderate as to expect to stay with them ....so reading between the lines of that, sounds like I am expected to travel the full length of the country, to a town I have no connections with, no other reason to go other than visit my parents & take DD to visit here GP :(......& stay in a F''ing hotel & visit as & when Mum decrees is okay..... the money it will cost me would pay a good chunk of a family holiday, & we are not well off anymore....she has already suggested I stay with DHs extended family in a nearby city

OOps ramble over

Am I being unreasonable to be so fed up of this fiasco, that I really do feel like saying "fK it, I can't be bothered any more....but then I think of DD, & my Dad, & that shes ill (even if she brings a lot on herself by eating to harm herself & injecting wrong etc) & I just feel so torn:(

Jeez that is long, and jeez too many smilies!

You are not being unreasonable, personally I would just fuck her off.

didnt read it all as is just cant be arsed.

Mental health problems are really difficly to live with. i am awful at the moment and am back under the crisis team.

I couldnt deal with your mother though. maybe you should only deal withher once a week?

yep & full of bloody typos too, obviously getting to me more than I think

HWH glad you are getting help & great that you can own up to being awful at the moment I just wish my Mother would for EVERYONES sake

once a week would be great via phone, but again down to her mood, I suppose in a way I should be glad that she will never ring me...ever, I live a long way away, its visiting that causes the most problems

dont go. stop putting yourself and your DD through this.

If you need someone to absolve you and tell you it's ok to stop this nightmare and cut ties with your parents (your father is as much of an arse as your mother in enabling all this behaviour and not seeking the treatment she requires), then all i can say is YOU ARE ABSOLVED you have done ENOUGH let it go now and let her go and bring your DD up to be a happy woman and not go through what your mother has put you through thus far.

Let today be end to it.

From everything I've read there is not one reason for you to go and see her. Not one.

Whatever her problems you can't make this right on your own. Perhaps if you can manage a private chat with your dad to say you can't continue the way things have been and that you won't be visiting any time soon. He may be spurred into action.

Leave it at that. You can't keep allowing her to do this to you. It is seriously damaging for her to toy with you like this and your feelings of selfworth.

I think you need to stop putting up with it. Your DD won't suffer from not bieng in contact with someone who messes with people's feelings like this. The only one who will maybe suffer is your dad, but in all honesty he is an adult who has to make his own choices. He doesn't have to put up with her behaviour either.

Just don't visit, and don't phone any more than you want to. If you find it convenient, you could email to keep her in touch with things, but you don't even have to do that if she uses that against you too.

Contact your other family directly if you want to stay in touch with them - if they are funny about it because of things she's said, they aren't worth your attention.

Rant away, you are allowed. I can however see some of it from your mothers point of view, you said she has MS? this I know a thing or two about, it sounds as though she is prone to a lot of symtoms caused by her MS, Depression, emotional Liability, noise sensitivity, fatigue, the list goes on and on. Can I suggest you have a look at the information on the MS Society website www.mssociety.org.uk/index.html and maybe have a gander at the forum to, they also have various leaflets on different aspects of the condition.

I am not suggesting that everything can be put down to her condition, she may just be an annoying bugger who likes attention, but maybe being armed with some info might go some way to understanding whats going on.

It doesn't seem to me like a very healthy realtionship TBH. I could tell through the tone and style of your post that you are very stressed out with this and at the end of your tether.

What would be the result if you just stopped making the effort? I'm not suggesting cutting her out of your life altogether but politely saying that as you can't afford to visit and stay in a hotel at present you won't be able to go very often. She doesn't seem like the type to beg you to come and visit so I would gradually cut contact from there.

You say that she's 'had it in for [you] for years', doesn't like women and has in the past cut you off from your family. On this basis I would cut my losses and put my energy into cultivating the family relationships that you value - and who value you.

Good luck.

Sadly I think it must be time to make the cut. She is just too damaging to you and she will probably start being difficult towards your dd before too long. Seems a shame to cut your father also though. Is there anyway you can see him (altho due to your mothers ill health, I am guessing not). Once you do the deed, you will feel such a weight lifted off your shoulders. You have tried for long enough so dont beat yourself up about it.

Cripes. She sounds like the woman my dad is married to. Nightmare.

I don't have any advice other than to accept you can't win, as that's not what the game is about. All you can do is shrug your shoulders and try not to get sucked in. I'm sorry for your situation.

I'm afraid that's old people for you. You could try leaving the contact to her but I'm with you, it puts you off trying to be nice to her anymore. I feel for your Dad.

One word-Enabling
You are enabling her to behave like this to you. Put your foot down-stop going, stop calling, and see what she does.
You talk about maintaining a relationship with their grandaughter but you don't mention anywhere how lovely your mum is with her. Your daughter is the most amazing person in the world in your eyes, and I am sure you want everyone to see that, but what your mum sees is another life to mess with.

As for your DH if you want to visit his family great go, if your mum is free pop in for a cup of tea-but STOP letting her dictate how you get on, and play games with YOUR LIFE.

YANBU In case you couldn't guess from my reply

What silver said