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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want 10 minutes by myself when DH gets in from work before the bedtime chaos begins?

25 replies

NorkyButNice · 02/02/2011 21:25

Yes I know you get up before me in the morning and you have a very stressful job and that when you get home from work you'd like to unwind by spending 20 minutes as a family, catching up on the day and playing with the kids.

BUT

I have PND. Was up numerous times during the night with both children. Have spent all day with a teething 7 month old and a 3 year old with conjunctivitis who has either been stuck to me like glue or terrorising his brother. I haven't had a single moment by myself all day INCLUDING going to the toilet as the lock on our downstairs toilet door has been deactivated so DS1 can't shut himself in.

Was IBU to hand the kids over to DH the second he walked in the door, so I could have 10 minutes upstairs by myself before the bedtime routine started? He seems to think so.

OP posts:

baskingseals · 02/02/2011 21:29

YANBU one little bit - stick to your guns, it's totally fair enough.

CoronaAndLime · 02/02/2011 21:31

No.

am in almost exactly the same boat as you (DD1 3yrs DD2 6mths & pnd)

Dh and I decided that if DD1 is up in the night then he should see to her as I am up quite a few times bf DD2.

Somtimes you need to get away from it all.

Mists · 02/02/2011 21:31

YANBU.

He has had the journey home from work and a child-free day and a proper lunch-break no doubt.

My DH loves the initial twenty minutes of being stalked by the children and sees it as necessary to my sanity. He does appreciate me getting them into the bath so that he can catch his breath for a bit before dinner and bedtime though.

Sassyfrassy · 02/02/2011 21:38

I can see both sides. I work full time and DH stays at home with the kids. When I get home from work I am really pleased to see my two girls but I am also shattered. I think though, that when you've been with your children all day long you do need a break. I usually chat and play with the girls for 20 minutes before sorting dinner out, so that gives dh a bit of a break and then I shut myself in the kitchen for some quiet while I cook. (I'm a teacher so I crave silence sometimes)

Dragonhart · 02/02/2011 21:40

YANBU

Maybe you could just take a leaf out of my DH's book tho and say you need the loo then stay in there for half an hour reading!

onepieceoflollipop · 02/02/2011 21:44

YABU - 10 minutes isn't enough. 20 at least to have a cuppa in peace. :)

I often think that these things are best discussed ahead of time if both of you have slightly different approaches. (otherwise typically one dp arrives home frazzled and the other dp is at home frazzled both due to different factors)

e.g. after you have both eaten your dinner in relative peace.

marmynags · 02/02/2011 21:44

put yourself in his shoes, how would you feel if literally the second you got in, the moaning, screaming, bitching started

i think i would be a tad irritated tbh

compo · 02/02/2011 21:45

Can you stick tv on after lunch , put baby down for a nap and have a lunch break? That's what I used to do.
And commuting isn't a break! Unless your chaffeur driven!

FabbyChic · 02/02/2011 21:46

I'd have handed him the kids and said right Im having a bath in peace. And gone and got in a relaxing bath.

CoronaAndLime · 02/02/2011 21:47

marmynags,

You may 'moan, scream and bitch' my dear but some of us have more class.

onepieceoflollipop · 02/02/2011 21:48

Sometimes there is give and take. Sometimes dh gets in and I have a drink ready for him and I say go and get changed and have 10 minutes peace. Other days I have said (hopefully nicely) "here are your dcs please play with them!"

Other times I get in much later than him and depending on his/my day I will take over with the dcs or go and have a cuppa in peace.

marmynags your posts sounds rather harsh, I'm hoping that you weren't indirectly accusing the op of "moaning, screaming and bitching"

onepieceoflollipop · 02/02/2011 21:48

sorry, post not posts.

babylann · 02/02/2011 21:50

YANBU. Me and DP have an "arrangement". When he gets home, he feeds DD dinner and gives her a bath, reads her a book. Meanwhile, I cook and do the tidying I probably should have done during the day if I wasn't so busy, and that gives me time to clear my head.

Though, just lately the lines have started to become blurred and it seems like the bath is a joint adventure and he's suddenly got the urge to cook.

He knows I need time to myself though, and when he gets home he's always willing to take the load on his own for at least half an hour if I've had a particularly rough day.

onepieceoflollipop · 02/02/2011 21:52

babylann that's kind of how it is here really. I might go and start the baths, but otoh dh wouldn't mind if I left him to it.

He also wouldn't mind if there was no dinner after he had finished...because he knows that some days are stressful and other days he will come downstairs to 3 courses plus wine (but not often)

MissMarjoribanks · 02/02/2011 21:55

YANBU. DH used to order me out of the room when he got home from work and I'd been home all day. He'd put DS in his chair and talk to him while he cooked and I had a wee and MNed for a bit to wind down.

Now I've gone back to work and DH does most of the nursery pickups I get home, take my coat off and take over with DS while DH cooks tea. He still orders me out of the room on my non-working days though.

MCos · 02/02/2011 21:56

re bathroom lock, you can get bathroom privacy locks which can be opened from outside (using a coin) if DC locks themselves in. However, you may have a DC screaming outside the door if they can't get in to you??

mummyosaurus · 02/02/2011 21:57

YANBU

I would say work on the previously mentioned lunch break idea too. Have a bit of a break at midday to recharge yourself and also an hour off in the evening, I down tools at no later than 9 pm to have an hour on the sofa.

For me it has got much easier as the DCs get a bit older (4 and 5 now), so there is hope.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 02/02/2011 21:58

YANBU....I sometimes say "I'm going outside now DH...do not let anyone join me"

And 3 minutes later he brings the smallest one out to look at the moon! I'm like GRRRRRR!!!!

Enjoy your romantic moment with DD SOMEWHERE ELSE YOU TWOT!

And he's all at my cold heart.

Can you set up a situation where you have them take Daddy to their room to see something? Ie "Teddy's in bed" or whatever...and then run away for a while? I go outside into the cold with a coat on, a coffee and a mag. Usually they dont follow as its cold.

A1980 · 02/02/2011 22:02

YANBU at all.

I haven't had children yet but I do work long hours and even then you get time to yourself. Lunch hours, making a cup of tea in the kitchen, nattering with colleagues, etc. Don't get me worng there are days when it is go go GO and I don't have 5 minutes to myself but it doens't happen all the time.

It must be exhausting to be with the children all day especially PND.

They're his children too, he should be pleased for some time alone with them when he gets in. It's only 10 mins FFS.

MyLifeIsChaotic · 02/02/2011 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pombear · 02/02/2011 22:11

Hmm, think my reply won't help. Was a SAHM mum when mine was young, and thought the same. Now I have to work, I can see it from his side. The journey home from work isn't always a 'relaxing' one - you're working all day too, I understand that. But so is he,in a different environment. And yes...he can get a coffee, etc, have a chat without someone on his coat tails, but...the switch from work to home isn't always easy, and only now can I look back and understand that the headspace switch is important. And if you can allow just those ten minutes switch, you should be able to demand more once the switch has happened, rather than hoping for an immediate switch and being disappointed when it doesn't happen.

The lure of the 'child-free day' I remember thinking that's easy - but, once you're at work and realise that sometimes it means extreme stress, being 'on' all day to your colleagues, and then coming home and having to be something else straight away to your children is, in fact, hugely stressful sometimes. Looking back, I was a bit U in expecting an immediate switch.

Sorry, not what you may want to hear!

Original poster

NorkyButNice · 02/02/2011 22:11

Thanks for all the opinions!

Although moan, scream and bitch? I hope you're not referring to my children there? (at 7mo and 3 they are yet to acquire such delightful habits...)

DS2 is normally an absolute delight to have around - he's just teething now so is refusing to nap unless dosed up to the eyeballs on Calpol and held in my arms (which is fine but not great when you have another sick child and other chores to be doing).

DS1 is normally at nursery but home due to evil funky eyes.

I am just not at all good at coping with 2 poorly children when I find it hard to get myself out of bed some days, and I can't work due to illness and feel like I've completely lost who the hell I am and I just need 10 minutes of BEING ON MY OWN AND NOT BEING CALLED MUMMY.

Thank you very much.

OP posts:

AllSheepareWhite · 02/02/2011 22:12

YANBU - as the working mum (DH is SAHD) I always spend the first time after I come in the door with my DD while DH takes a break. Not so much for my DH (who only has one child to deal with and no PND), but because I have so little time with DD in the week I want to make the most of it. I don't really get what could be called a lunch break as a teacher and I am with kids all day, so if I can manage to do it straight away when I get in (and take over until bedtime) I don't see why 10 mins should be an issue for him when he gets in.

AuntiePickleBottom · 02/02/2011 22:15

oh is on 10am-10pm this week (rota changes) and i start work at 7am.

i get shattered by the time the weekend come, as i also do all the housework, homework ect on my own.

we all need a break and your oh should give you that

toeragsnotriches · 02/02/2011 22:16

No. YANBU. You're not asking to go out on the town every night. 10 mins when you can just sit and be mindful, or actually finish something you started during the day or... whatever... is not too much to ask. And if his day/journey's been stressful, it is only 10 minutes.

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