To still be letting my family get to me

[Ray81]

I know i am.

Some of you may remember the Ipod docking station thread well to add to that they then didnt contact me AT ALL on christmas day even though they knew i was very poorly.

Then my sister sends me a text on sat re having and invite for my DDs for her DCs birthday party on the 12th of feb, i was at the cinema and had no credit on Mobile to reply, then sat night DH took me out for a surprise meal and hotel stay for my 30th which is tomorrow. I got home sunday and had to take dd2 to the hospital as she was having trouble breathing, get text message on mon telling me not to bother to reply and i was being rude.

We then got into a masssive row where she said i was in Lala land because i was upset that none of them had bothered christmas day and i couldnt have been that ill as i went to ILs on boxing say, well to be fair i went because i felt so unhappy re my family and wanted to feel wanted ifswim and spent most of the day in bed as was so ill. basically she turned everything round to be my fault as per usual and again i was upset.

Now as i said its my 30th birthday tomorrow my mum has told me she is working late and not mentioned my birthday, i KNOW my SD will not contact me because he never would and NONE of them have asked what i am doing at all.
How can people who are supposed to be my family treat me this way i hate it and i should stop letting it get to me but i cant help it. How do i stop it getting to me.
Sorry needed to vent.

Because they are prize toss pots.

They sound like they live in La La Land themselves, thinking it's ok to be so mean to you.

If the parent of a child didn't respond to my text, my first thought would be wondering if they were all ok, perhaps they are busy etc. Not that they were being rude.

Perhaps if you sever contact with all of them that will stop them getting to you.

Do you get anything positive out of your relationship with them? Anything? Do they make you happy? Have they ever?

Or do they just make you feel bad about yourself? That somehow there is something wrong with you and that you're always wrong.

It it's the latter, I'd seriously consider having zero contact. And you don't have to explain yourself to them or even speak to them again. But if you choose not to speak to them again, don't dwell on them. You must leave them far far behind you.

Stop seeing them as your family.

Your husband and your children are your family.

These are people who, through an accident of birth, would come out on a dna test as genetically close to you.

They treat you like shit. They don't give a toss about you. You are the whipping boy. well, girl.

They're not going to have personality transplants and turn into a close and loving set of people who cherish you.

You have to choose. Keep them in your life, knowing they do and will always treat you with contempt, or turn your back and focus on your actual family.

If you choose to keep them in your life, there's no point being upset about the way they treat you. Have you ever heard the story of the scorpian?

You need to disassociate yourself from them, get a life of your own that is not wrapped around contact with your family.

Make your own happiness and life away from the family.

It's very difficult to distance yourself from family even when they hurt you again and again.

You can choose to not have contact with them, and it can still hurt because they're not being the people you want them to be.

There are some things you can put up with from friends, and you perhaps put up with more from family because they're related to you, but there is a point where you have to make a choice and take control of your life.

If the contact you have with your family is constantly causing you pain and problems and you've tried to resolve it, then you have to limit it.

There are no easy answers (strife if you have contact, strife if you don't) but there's only so much you should take, if only for your self respect.

Although it is easy for someone who's never met you to say you need to cut them out, but you do. Your mother, SD and Sis don't seem to like you, so stop trying to make them. If they miss you they will make the effort to see you. If they don't, then you won't have the upset of dealing with them.

Focus on your DCs and your DH. (And your ILs, who sound lovely.)

Thanks guys.

Itsgrim the worst thing is they knew she was ill and i had to take her to hospital and my sister who got o her high horse re the invite didnt even bother to ask how she was, but justified it by the fact i had said she was ok on fb.i said that wasnt the point she still should have asked and also that was the next day i posted not on the day.

The only people i get any pleasure from is my Dsis (10) and dsis (22) whom i see everyday and listens to what i have to say and agrees to a certain degree. Her argument is that Mum and SD dont bother visiting them they have to go there to see them, i told her it doesnt make it right. She also said he wouldnt all them on their birthdays again i said it doesnt make it right.
I have Dsis (10) after school on Tues and Thurs as she goes to the same school as DD1 and my mum even when picking her up calls from the car and tells me to send her out.
Today DD2 8 months called my mum from my mobile (have credit now) and she called back and said 'whats up with you calling' wtf is that meant to mean she could call me ffs she said she was working late and i asked who would pick Dsis up and she said SD i said other sis would have to have her. she didnt ask why but think she assumed it was because SD was picking her up but its because its my bday and we never know when SD will finish work and we are going out for a meal so dont want to be waiting around for her to be picked up, dont get me wrong i love Dsis and would like to take her with us BUT we would have to pay and money is tight as it is.

OAlso i always see on FB about 'family' meals and BBQ that they have status' such as ' Had lovely meal tonight with my whole family' followed by photos and guess what i am not invited. and yet i live in lala land.

I know i need to cut contact but it is so hard when they live just round the corner, we want to move closer to ILs but cant right now as our mortage rate is so good.

There seem to be certain times when some members will go out of their way to isolate and exclude you.

Why do you think your mum and sister would do that?

Especially your mum 'forgetting' your birthday (although it hasn't happened yet, so she might make an effort?) she wont have forgotten the day you were born, she must be making an effort to snub you for some reason.

You don't have to cut contact completely, just try to protect yourself from them by not putting yourself in the postition so they can hurt you.

Oh love, families suck sometimes. I have had it with mine to the point I'm almost telling them to sod off permanently, so I feel your pain!

Were you thinking about moving closer to your ILs at some point? Is that still a possibilty?

I think Hecate has the right idea. Stop seeing them as your family.

That's a brilliant post madamD, it's all about minimalising and controlling the effect they can have on you, you don't need their approval or attention.

Oh, they're still at it? I'm very sorry to hear this, especially as they were so childish and selfish about saving their own faces and -arses-- over the iPod docking station thingie.

It sounds as though they have got you as a default scapegoat, so whenever one of Them has done something wrong, s/he can always distract attention from it by saying, "Oh, but that bitch Ray didn't [something totally irrelevant]."

If they have you in this role, it sounds unlikely they will let you go, as they sound like very selfish people who will always need something or someone to distract attention from the selfish/stupid things they have done.

Sorry that's not very comforting; I know any normal person would prefer a key which ended up in resolving all differences. However, if the suggestion above helps you to feel scorn for their manipulations, I'll be glad. Also, if I am right, if you withdraw from them, they will be left without a scapegoat, and will have to face one another.

Fancy not caring that your child had had to go to hospital. I've been there (in hospital) with the child's breathing difficulties, and it is alternately horrible (screaming, distress at the nebulisers), and boring as hell (thank God for hospital CBeebies!).

Thankyou guys for all your messages of support .

My mum did call me this morning to wish me happy birthday and said she will get me a present at the weekend. I havent heard from SD or my other sister i argued with. My real Dad even called from Oz to wish me happy birthday which was lovely.

I have realy distanced myself from them since the Ipod docking station situation tbh and i think that was why i got the comment of 'whats up with you calling' from my mum yesterday, and i realy think they dont like it because they dont like the fact i have a life away from them. I think with my sister i argued with she is jealous of what i have, own house, good job, husband that loves me and treats me well (her husband doesnt).

I will just keep distancing myself and try let them get to me.

Happy birthday ray

Officially old now

I'm so glad your mum and dad gave you a bell, plenty of time for your sister to get her arse in gear.

Oh, it's you Ray - what did happen in the end about that iPod docking thing?

I hope you didn't give any money to those nasty people.

And happy birthday! Please don't let these horrible people drag you down, you seem like a lovely, kind and grounded person. It's not you who's living in lala land.

Moving is a good tip, I'm about to do it. You realise you can't make a good relationship with your family, and the harder you try the more of a punch bag you become. Cut off all contact for a while, make excuses. They may be having personal problems of their own and taking it out on you.

I remember the iPod thread and I feel sorry for you, as they're still attempting to keep you in the scapegoat role.

Anyway, have a good birthday and well done with the distancing It will take a while (it took me ages) but you can do it.

they sound so mean. stop going out of your way to see them or contact them. i had to too and in many respects my friends became my family. these days we just laugh about they things they say and do. seeing the humour in the situation really helps but it might take sometime. moving closer to inlaws sounds good though. are they much futher away?

Happy birthday. It's a good time to have things reach this positive point; you can feel as though you can make a real difference to your life at this turning point. Thirty was a brilliant year for me, as I decided that it was a good, solid age, no longer in the vulnerable 20s, when everyone takes the piss and takes advantage. "No more bullshit!" I decided, and, amazingly, people seemed to sense the attittude and treated me like an adult oif substance.

have a look at scapegoating on the net Ray. some families just have to have a scapegoat in the family to be mean to, neglect, pick on, set up, bully etc ALL the time. they are SO sick.

would be great to cut them out and sail off (yep done that) but they just hurt you like fuck ime, whether you see them or whether you don't. scuse language - no other word sums up how painful it can be.

it's not you Ray - do you get that? and if I post about my revolting family, please tell me the same bcs i need reminding.

ps Happy Birthday!