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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think dh should get away from work on time 1 day in every 10 weeks

15 replies

shesparkles · 02/02/2011 14:27

this is the background...ds and dd both have an after school activity on a Wednesday's activity is 4.15-5.15, and dd's is 4.45-5.45.
I work rotating shifts which mean that on 1 Wednesday every 10 weeks I start work at 4, but dh is supposed to finish work, fairly locally at 4. I have an arrangement in place for my dad to be at my house for ds arriving home from school, to get changed and my dad will drop him off at his activity at 4.15.
dd comes in later (at secondary) and in theory, dh should be home to take her to her activity at 4.45, before doing the whirlwind pickups that I usually do.

Today is the 1 Wed in 10, and he's just phoned to see what arrangements are in place for the kids...and has said he'll take dd to her class IF HE GETS AWAY FROM WORK ON TIME. He has no meetings etc, it's extreeeeemely unlikely for anything unexpected or unscheduled to happen at his work...so for 1 day in 10 weeks AIBU to expect him to make the effort to get away from work on time? (and yes it's always me who has to request a late start at work if he does get held up at work on my working days)

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 02/02/2011 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

shesparkles · 02/02/2011 14:46

You're probably right, he's usually home for 4.30ish, but it's been unknown for what you describe to happen.
I think it's because if it did happen, then I'm at work and can't do anything about it (control freak-me?), and just the fact that I always take responsibility for organising the kids-don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing it, but it's just the 1 time it falls to him, he puts a possible (although admittedly unlikely) obstacle in the way, and therefore a doubt in my mind.

AAARGGHH I am BU aren't I?

For the record, I work part time, although that consists of 4x10 hour shifts on consecutive days, and have no issues about "leaving the children"-me working is good for me and them!

OP posts:

flootshoot · 02/02/2011 14:55

YANBU. This would infuriate me too - i've been v. clear from DS's first day at nursery that should he be ill it won't automatically be down to me to stay home. And it winds me up when DH 'has' to work late. Actually, no you don't - i have no option but to leave on time, you should do the same.

Bramshott · 02/02/2011 14:56

Grrr for you . However, do you think you are enabling him to some extent, because he knows you will pick up the pieces? Does your DD have a phone? What would happen if you said "well you'll have to sort that out with DD because I'll be at work"?

flootshoot · 02/02/2011 14:57

actually, it's the attitude that gets me - 'if he gets away on time'. He has a commitment at home - he WILL leave on time, there's no 'if' about it.

Can you tell this is a bugbear of mine?

Original poster

shesparkles · 02/02/2011 15:01

Bramshott you could have a point, and yes she has a phone (and a key) so it'd not be a major disaster if he was late, I'm just grrr at the way that if some extreme thing happened at work, he'd not stand up and say-sorry I have a commitment at home and have to leave

And flootshoot-you and me both

OP posts:

Bramshott · 02/02/2011 15:10

O Lord yes re bugbear - and me! I struggle to get DH to understand that every single working day for me has a defined end time which is very difficult to wriggle out of.

I suppose what I was getting at was that the unreasonable part is not that he might be having a crisis at work and have to unexpectedly stay late - that could happen to any of us - but that he was telling you about it. You will be at work - if he's not able to be back at the time he said he would be - it's up to him to make alternative arrangements - and sometimes you have to be very clear on that !

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 02/02/2011 15:16

YANBU

You need to remind your DH that as a parent he is 50% responsible for his children. You're only asking him to take that responsibility once every ten weeks. If he has a problem then he needs to make alternative arrangements and not leave it to you to sort out. Btw when did a 40 hour week become part time

kittybuttoon · 02/02/2011 15:31

Sounds that the very worst that can happen is that DH gets DD to her class a little bit late, IF he is delayed at work.

Even that seems unlikely, from what you describe.

Aren't you worrying about this unnecessarily? He rang to check the arrangements, and told you how he was fixed at work. He's not as 'organised' as you, definitely, but that doesn't sound like the crime if the century, imo.

Go on, give him a break - it'll probably all work out fine! Even if it doesn't, it's only one week in ten, as you rightly say!

GwennieF · 02/02/2011 15:39

Nope, am entirely with you on this one, YANBU!

It's as if, by picking the kids up, he's doing you a favour. My DH, while fantastic in many ways, is under the impression that dropping the kids off and picking them up is entirely my responsibility - as is taking time off when they're not well!

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 02/02/2011 15:45

Sympathise!!!! I work full-time, but as I am usually homebased and can mostly make my own schedule, by default that sort of arrangement is organised by me, with DH roped in where needed. Latterly I have got more assertive, along the lines of - if you have a =n emergency YOU tell the kids/find a workaround, no point telling me- I will be @ work!..

itsalarf · 02/02/2011 15:52

YANBU. It is the attitude that is annoying, as if your work and sanity is less important somehow. It is so often women who end up having to think of everything and do the planning and issue instructions.

Ciske · 02/02/2011 16:29

I assume your HB is not obliged to work late by contract, so if his boss asks him to work beyond his hours at short notice, he should be allowed to refuse. Especially if there is childcare involved - they can't expect him to leave his child out on the street. If he feels uncomfortable saying that at the end of the day because there is an expectation set that he will always stay late, then he should give his boss advance notice when days like this come up and explain working late is not an option.

It's all about planning and setting clear boundaries at work. You are right to be annoyed, IMO.

Original poster

shesparkles · 02/02/2011 20:59

Thank you all for letting me vent and rant! I didn't post and run-I had to leave for work!
I phoned him back and we had the conversation again,with him saying that he'd see to dd .
Its not often we have issues like this but I needed to know I wasn't being unreasonable. Well maybe a bit...only a little though!

I didnt explain the part time thing very well-I do the 40 hours but then I have lots of days off so it averages out at about 25hours a week-its fab!
Thanks again

OP posts:

magicmummy1 · 02/02/2011 21:25

yanbu. I work full time, and I do quite often need to stay late, but if I have to get dd somewhere, then that takes priority. Glad that your dh saw sense in the end!

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