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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's a bit daft to whinge about being made to feel guilty?

26 replies

togarama · 02/02/2011 12:13

I see so many posts on different topics across MN where people complain that other posters are making them feel guilty about their lifestyle and parenting choices (anything to do with environmental issues, ethical shopping, WOHMs/SAHMs, FF / BF, routine vs child-centred parenting etc.. etc..).

It often comes across to me as a bit daft and/or precious. It also tends to close down the debate e.g. "ooh, we can't discuss the pros and cons of [xxxxx] because hearing any opposing viewpoint will make me feel guilty..."

If you think it's the right thing for you and your family then don't feel guilty. Have more confidence in your ability to make the right decisions.

If you do feel guilty, then you evidently feel that you're doing something wrong. You should therefore think about making a change to either what you're doing or your own attitude to it.

OP posts:
StrawberrySam · 02/02/2011 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon · 02/02/2011 12:15

FGS. You're making me feel guilty about feeling guilty now. Thanks a bunch.

OhForBoonessSake · 02/02/2011 12:16

Grin@ soupy

i agree.

clevercloggs · 02/02/2011 14:02

the one that makes me laugh is the woe-is-me merchants who say I work 60 hours a week, husband does nothing, I have 5 kids and do all the housework and OH wont go to the shop to get some milk

well more fool you then for

a) having more kids with an idiot
b) being a martyr

Callisto · 02/02/2011 14:27

Totally with you Toga - the bitchy comments along the lines of 'have a perfect parent award' if you so much as express an opinion that breast is best/you don't like impolite children/recycling is good for the planet etc etc, always make me think that the person posting it has a large guilt complex that they bottle fed/have badly-behaved brats/throw everything into landfill.

curlymama · 02/02/2011 14:30

I agree with you completely. If you have a genuine, rational reason to feel guilty, then you are doing something wrong, or simply not doing your best.

Otherwise you are feeling guilty because of your own insecurities, not because someone else has made you.

BuzzLightBeer · 02/02/2011 14:33

Well yes. But its not so easy to be confident in your own decisions when there seems to be a conspiracy to undermine you at every turn. Breastfeeding? Well you're a smug breastapo hippy or posho that wants to force everyone to do the same. Bottle feeding? Well then you're a selfish cow who can't be arsed. Or the other way around, depending in who talks or what paper its in. SAHM/WOHM, any other debate, what you have to know as a mother is that whatever you choose you are wrong.

I don't feel guilty, but sometimes it does feel like everyone wants to criticise.

pjmama · 02/02/2011 14:33

I think people just generally react badly to a "holier than thou" attitude, bearing in mind how hard parenting can be. I'm sure there are plenty of us out there who worry that they're not getting everything right, but then again who is? Glass houses etc. We're all mostly just doing our best and you can't blame people for taking exception be being told they're doing it all wrong.

morningrunner · 02/02/2011 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

morningrunner · 02/02/2011 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BettyCash · 02/02/2011 14:59

YANBU
Seems like some people round here are not just insecure and paranoid, but suffering a persecution complex.

Original poster
togarama · 02/02/2011 15:23

morningrunner: I agree in principle that if someone's parenting / lifestyle choice is being personally attacked then they are naturally going to be a bit defensive.

However, I've only seen a handful of threads where it's been obvious to me that this is happening. Perhaps I just don't know the MN codewords to twig that certain threads are veiled attacks rather than broader discussions...

I more often see exchanges along these lines:

A: Did anyone else know [insert largely factual comment about appropriately controversial issue]? This is really interesting for me because [insert personal context here].

B: Great - something else for the [insert appropriate insult] brigade to beat [insert appropriate group of mothers here] about the head with. Don't we have it hard enough without being made to feel guilty by [insert second derogatory description of perceived group of persecutors here]. [Insert largely irrelevant back-story that fails to shed any light on apparent level of paranoia if desired.]

OP posts:
Ormirian · 02/02/2011 15:26

"most of the vitriol generated here is caused not by guilt but because people understandably get pissed off when some one else implies ( or on some threads says outright) that they are worse parents because they have made different choices, or have had different 'choices' thrust upon them "

Well exactly.

Hullygully · 02/02/2011 15:34

I still fail to understand why people cannot politely agree to differ.

hazeyjane · 02/02/2011 15:39

Because sometimes a choice isn't so much of a' 'this is the way I want to live my life' choice, but more of a , 'shit this isn't working, I am now going to have to do something that I really didn't want to do' choice.

Or is it just me that seems to live a life that isn't so straightforward and black and white?

mutznutz · 02/02/2011 15:41

To be honest, if any faceless person on the internet made me feel guilty for my parenting choices, because of what they typed...I'd go and get my head looked at.

People can and do, lie constantly on forums like this...regular little Walter Mittys some of them.

By all means pick up hints and tips from people, but other than that just take it with a pinch of salt.

Hullygully · 02/02/2011 15:43

But why get annoyed with someone saying your choices were wrong if you believe them to be right? Why does anyone care what anyone else thinks?

mutznutz · 02/02/2011 15:45

I suppose it is annoying when someone who doesn't know you from Adam, says your choices are wrong...especially if you know they're right lol.

itsalarf · 02/02/2011 15:48

But some people do "need their heads looked at" so to speak, and do take things to heart. Like it or not, people are different, some do lack confidence or are forced to follow choices they are not happy with. Not parenting styles, or bf/ff particularly. But certainly WOHM/SAHM, people cannot just change and therefore they feel guilty. When people make you feel guilty and you would love to change, it is not great.

Bucharest · 02/02/2011 15:57

I think it's not so often really guilt, although they infer it is, but more a passive-aggressive how-very-dare-you-be-different to me. They think by wailing "I feel guilty enough as it is boo hoo" then everyone else will feel guilty for making them feel guilty.

S'like a fucking serpent eating its own tail. Drives me up the wall. Especially when it's on a "give me some advice" thread, which turns out actually to be a "I didn't want advice really, numpty, I wanted everyone to feel sorry for me and agree with me".

There. Feel better now spleen has been vented.

OTheHugeManatee · 02/02/2011 15:59

People can't politely agree to differ because this is an internet forum. Godwin's Law is only ever a few posts away...

mutznutz · 02/02/2011 16:02

You can tell the 'guilty' ones because they normally enter a thread with the wonderful words "Why is it so important to you OP..don't you have anything else to worry about"? Grin

Hullygully · 02/02/2011 16:07

Manatee - ah yes, silly me.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 02/02/2011 19:11

Togorama - I totally agree with you.

However, I do think that as a society in general there is a lot of judgment going on, which can lead to feelings of guilt being forced on individuals.

Not just on here, but in RL i often hear things which make my ears sore - 'I can't believe she did that' etc etc etc.

My Health Visitor gave me the greatest piece of advice - 'every baby is different, every mother different, every family and situation different. What works for your friends/ worked for your mother etc may not work for you - in fact it is likely it won't. You must make the decisions that are right for you. You will be doing the right thing.'

However all too often others judge what they see/ hear by their own experience and own standards, advice given or knowledge gained. I have seen threads on here passing judgement on what other children are wearing, eating, playing with - in fact pretty much everything.

If this is the prevailing attitude, no wonder there are many who feel very guilty about their choices - whether they should or not!

Original poster
togarama · 03/02/2011 16:32

giantpurplepeopleeater: you have a good point.

But where is the line between making an observation and judging someone?

e.g. Saying "Behaviour X is associated with a certain positive / negative outcome, therefore I do/don't understand why people do it" seems to me like an observation inviting responses on wider influences, experiences and the evidence for the association.

But on MN this kind of statement often results in accusations of being "judgy" and (deliberately or inadvertently) causing unacceptable levels of "guilt" in various posters.

If someone makes statements such as:

"Everyone should do X." or
"People who don't do X are idiots or bad parents." or
"If you'd read and prepared more, you could have avoided X"

then I can understand them being slated for being overly judgmental.

OP posts:
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