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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my mother to stop trying to sabotage my weightloss efforts?

34 replies

bupcakesandcunting · 02/02/2011 11:02

I was overweight for many years, from the age of 19 until last year I weighed between twelve and fifteen stone, varying greatly but always overweight.

I joined WeightWatchers before I got married 5 years ago and lost a lot of weight but piled it back on when I was pregnant and so I joined again last year and I've lost a lot of weight again and I am
now 10 st 10lbs. I feel so much healthier and happier and like I finally have a handle on my eating habits. Except when my mum visits. She is a patisserie chef and she brings a huge box of cake with her. My willpower WILL wobble and I don't buy cakes or biscuits for the house as I will ear them, thus is one of the strategies I have developed to cope. I have asked her just to bring enough for DS and herself to have a piece but I have told her that I really don't want a huge box of cake in my kitchen. She says "oh ok then I won't" then the next week she does. She did it again yesterday and I lost my rag a bit ( have PMT so cake looks even more appealing!) I took out two pieces and then took the box and put it on the back doorstep. She got offended and I said that I did ask that she didn't bring a huge box so not to be offended when I get cheesed off with it.

I know it sounds petty but it's a big deal to me. I don't feel supported by her at all. This will sound a bit conceited but I think she may be jealous. I was always bigger than her and now I'm not, she doesn't like it much. Am I being U by asking her not to bring shitloads if cake into my home? DH is also eating healthily in a bid to support me so he doesn't appreciate it either! :(

OP posts:
Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 02/02/2011 11:03

Sorry for typos, am posting on my phone!

OP posts:
Needle · 02/02/2011 11:07

I don't think YABU. If you asked her politely and explained why, she ought to respect that, whether she thinks that it's stupid or not. However you aren't going to be able to avoid cake for the rest of your life, so perhaps it would be good, now that you've lost so much weight (well done, btw!) to start testing your will power a little?

BeerTricksPotter · 02/02/2011 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jenroy29 · 02/02/2011 11:11

Well done on the weight lose and YANBU asking her not to bring the cake.

The diplomatic approach would be to accept it kindly, serve small slices and then the minute she is gone put it in the bin outside.
I don't think she is being mean, just motherly.

Foreverondiet · 02/02/2011 11:11

She's being a complete cow.

She is jealous that you have been strong and lost the weight (well done, you are doing so well!!!!) and she hasn't got the will power.

I would just say, they look, nice, but as you know I'm on a diet so I will not be eating any AT ALL. DH's work colleagues/my work colleagues/the mums & teacher at Ds's school etc etc will definitely enjoy them.

BeerTricksPotter · 02/02/2011 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 02/02/2011 11:12

I know I can't avoid cake forever Grin I am
ok at controlling myself when out or at friend's houses but you know how it is at home; feel peckish, had a shitty day, cake in the fridge, WOLF. I wouldn't even mind so much if she brought just 3 pieces but a whole fecking box is a bit much! Just yesterday she brought 4 pieces of walnut cake, 4 mini fruit tarts and 3 pieces of chocolate torte!

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 02/02/2011 11:13

To be fair you do the have power not to eat what she brings. Surely you just look at them and see rolls of fat.

I think it is amazing you have lost so much weight and you should be proud of yourself.

Just don't eat what she brings.

It's about your willpower not your mother.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 02/02/2011 11:15

Yesterday, I refused point blank to try one and she started going " just try a bit of the creme on the fruit tart. I don't think it's sweet enough" I said no because once I get a taste for something I turn into an eating machine but she kept badgering me until I said "NO" really aggressively! WTF?!

Well done on your loss too BTP!

OP posts:
Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 02/02/2011 11:16

That's the thing, my willpower isn't that great so I use techniques to help me. This is one of them...

OP posts:
Foreverondiet · 02/02/2011 11:16

On thinking about it, I think also important to be able to control willpower of having stuff at home.

I still think YANBU and your mum is BU, but use this as an opportunity to test your willpower - maybe even thank your mum for testing it when you succeed.

Personally I would freeze it and take it out of the freezer when I had guests.

flootshoot · 02/02/2011 11:16

i would accept and then take them to the nearest shop or old people's home or something where the staff will probably demolish willingly....! Well done BTW - I totally know what you mean about it being much harder to resist when it's sitting there in front of you.

BeerTricksPotter · 02/02/2011 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frgr · 02/02/2011 11:42

OP, you are describing a typical sabotage effort when people can't bear to see you change. The flaw is in them, not you. There's a woman at work who does the same thing - every year I put on a few pounds over the winter, every year a certain woman starts to bring in cakes and stuff for the first few weeks of the new year. I used to think she was just being nice, or not noticing that I refused them, but actually, i've seen her around one of our younger part timers who's on a restricted diet (i think for weight loss but maybe for other health reasons too), it's horrible to hear her faltering against the constant pesters of "a small bit won't matter" and "but i knew you liked my cinamon ones so i did a batch on Monday again".

I geninely think that some people don't like to see you fulfilling weight goals, because you're less like you used to be. They don't like the change. I'm sure it's not malicious on your mum's part, it's just that she's unnerved by your achievements. Don't give in to her.

If it helps, I found a certain phrase very helpful when dealing with pestering people re: food:

Why are you so concerned with what I put in my mouth? / Why do you keep insisting I eat that? / Why are you so determined to make me eat it

Use the above if it gets to the point where you've refused something politely but they're just not getting the message. It forces them to stop for a second and realise what an idiot they're being / makes them slightly uncomfortable when you turn the question around onto them and make it clear they are being inappropriate. at least that sort of thing has worked in my experience against the Mrs Doyle types!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/02/2011 11:49

It's difficult, the mother's role is a nurturing one, for all their lives. If your Mum doesn't have a weight problem, she might not understand your struggles and the issues that you have trying to control your weight.

In your position, I'd take the time to actually explain to her how her delicious offerings make you feel and how upset this makes you.

I'm guessing that your Mum, as a Pattiserie Chef, has great control over what she eats and doesn't see that food can be such an issue, able to stop herself from eating more than she intended to.

I wouldn't be so quick to label it as 'sabotage', more misguided than anything. Do you really think that your Mum doesn't want the best for you?

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 02/02/2011 16:47

Frgr Grin at Mrs Doyle types!

LyingWitch, my mum is larger than I am now. She has no control over what she eats either, tbh. She's one of these people who is always saying they're going on a diet but it's hollow words. I've tried to encourage her to come to ww with me and she does the "hurt" face and goes "why? Am I that fat?" but I only ever mention it when she has been saying that she feels too fat and miserable etc.

I'd like to think that she wants the best for me but I do question her motives when I've told her that I wanted to lose weight for health reasons as well as the superficial ones. My knees were clicking and my pelvis ached and my GP told me it's because of excess padding. So she knows it was affecting my health but still tries to ply me with cake Confused

OP posts:
flootshoot · 02/02/2011 16:54

accept cakes, then get rid immediately - if she's just being kind, she'll be happy you take them. If she is trying to sabotage, she'll be mystified at how you are staying so slim despite her efforts to feed you up....Grin

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/02/2011 17:00

It does sound like sabotage. She can no longer hide behind thinking 'oh it's ok, I'm not as big as bupcakes', so you losing weight is forcing her to face up to the fact that she isn't!

I would keep asking her not to bring the cake. If it was a special occasion, or there were other family there etc then it would be different - but just to bring it into your house as a matter of course each week is rude.

MardyBra · 02/02/2011 17:01

If you're trying to avoid cake, maybe you should consider a name change... Wink

MardyBra · 02/02/2011 17:03

YANBU btw. My mother is like this too. If you politely decline her food, she persists with "Are you sure?" said in such a way as to make you feel as if you are being impolite. Oddly I rewatched Abigail's Party recently and the dreadful Beverley uses the same tactic.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 02/02/2011 17:05

Alibaba you are right. I don't want to come across as a joyless twunt. I'd welcome cake if it was an occasion or even if it was a Sunday and I was cooking a meal for the relatives. I can then plan it into my points allowance and happily eat the cake. I just don't see the need for a Marie Antoinette-style cake buffet every Tuesday! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 02/02/2011 17:06

MardyBra, Beverley is my mums name! WhoOoOoOOoOo! Spooky!

OP posts:
whiteflame · 02/02/2011 17:09

YANBU. It's up to you what you eat. Maybe ask your Mum next time why it is so important to her that you eat it? Bet she has no good reason.

And, why can't you avoid cake forever? If that's what it takes for you to stay a healthy weight and feel good, I would think you can (more or less) avoid it forever. If your Mum stops pressing it on you, that is Grin

dinkystinky · 02/02/2011 17:09

YANBU - but then some mums (like my mum) are just feeders and express their love through food so take it personally when you dont want to scoff their lovingly created piles of gnosh.

You've told her you find it difficult - she still brings cake. Let her and DS take their piece of cake then put it in a cupboard - when she's gone, go round to your neighbours with the goodies or send it in to your DS's nursery or your DP's workplace. That's what we do with an excess of baked goodies from MIL or DH's baking periods.

Sadly doesnt work so well with an excess of curry from my mum...

monkeyflippers · 02/02/2011 17:10

Once her or you have taken out enough cake for her and you dc then put them by the front door and make sure she takes them with her.

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