to ask how do I teach my kids to deal with this?

[twinkletweeter]

If I'm vague its not because I am a troll its because I was recognised on here a while ago and "outed" and am very wary about being identified again.

I have 3 children between 14 and 9, split up with their father 4 yrs ago. Now divorced. was amicable until he met new partner 3 yrs ago and moved in very quickly. V nasty allegations made against me (proved to be untrue) many threats of legal action whenever I raised any concerns about this woman or her treatment of my DC's.

Kids don't like her but are adament that she will not stand in the way of their relationship with their spineless father.

They know they do not have to go there but choose to, imo they are too old for me to now take that desicion for them.

Every time they are there ex's partner makes them do all their times tables, sets them spelling tests, stands over them and generally interferes with any homework they have, belittling them when they get it wrong and crowing about how her eldest DC went to Grammar School (never mind the fact that she got so arsed off their own mother this child chose to live elsewhere at 13) and that she is in no doubt that her younger DC will also get in.

I didn't enter my own DC's for the exam and they go to normal state school, they didn't want to go to Grammar as it is single sex and I felt that while they do okay academically they would struggle at Grammar - so it is not this that is the issue. One of my elder DC's struggled at Middle School and had come on leaps and bounds since starting secondary achieving really good grades. I am so annoyed that his confidence is being knocked in this way (and that his father stands by and lets its happen because he will do anything for an easy life).

Today they have told me how upset her constant crowing and comparisans wiuth her own kids make them and how it makes them feel really crap and has knocked their confidence.

I feel so :( for them and have again told them that they don't have to go there - if they do continue to they will have to sometimes do homework there if it due in the next day or whatever.

Speaking to my ex is not an option as it falls on deaf ears nowadays and sadly we are way past that.

I don't want to encourage then to tell her to piss off and mind her own business be rude but I do want to try and help then to deal with this by sticking up for themselves politely.

Any sugesstions please?

I have so had enough :(

Can't help other than to tell you to smack her one, but am bumping you to see if someone with a more reasonable clue of what to do comes along soon.

Tell them to tell her to piss off. Some people will pick and pick until they get it straight back (in the face). What's the point in being polite to her, she's not being polite to them. You don't need to be polite to people who treat you like shit, life lesson.

Yes that sounds better to me, go with that. Seriously, why teach them they have to put up with this behaviour? That will seriously undermine their confidence. They can tell Dad they don't want to go there anymore and why, end of.

Agree with the others. Fill them with enough confidence to tell her where to get off. Teach em the phrase 'times tables my a**e' and 'you can shove your spelling test ....' if dad always goes for easy option then all they have to do is make enough fuss that the easy option is for him to request she desist. They are old enough to throw a magnificent teenage strop. And so they should. Also. See if the school will be sympathetic to deferring homework if they are stay ing at dads.

OP, you say you cannot speak to your ex - can you speak to her?

If you are dropping them off, can you go to the door and say, 'Excuse me Griselda, I'd like a word: I don't set my children times tables and I don't want them to have to do any here. Please respect this.'

A little while ago people on here were saying that a stepmum should be wearing pyjamas in her bed instead of sleeping naked when her DSD was over, because the bio mum had complained. That's way more of personal infringement than telling her to stop setting pop quizzes.

(Also, who the fuck does that? Seriously? She sounds like something of a 1930s boys' boarding school....)

Also, with the DCs speaking to her: one is only 9, right? Can you really expect a 9yo to stand up to an adult with a bullying attitude?

Teach your children that a persons worth does not rely on their academic achievement but... (dd your own but depending on your religion/what you think is important) eg character/effort/ politeness etc etc even if they don't say this to her it will help counteract her nsty comments.

tell them that some people lack confidence in themselves and have to put other people down to make themselves feel better. these people are not nice. Also useful for school

Tell them that they are worth at least 10 of her!

Is it possible she is actually just trying to help the children do well at school (which isn't necessarily a bad thing), but they don't like it because at weekends they'd prefer to play and have fun (as all kids would)? I wouldn't think she does maths stuff at weekends for her own enjoyment.

Perhaps worth checking at school how the teachers feel they are getting on? If they're struggling, some extra help at weekends could be a good thing, and all the better if you're not having to do it yourself. On the other hand, if the school are happy with their progress, you could politely say that they do all their homework mid-week and you're happy for weekends to be for fun time with their Dad & his partner.

Well they don't like her, so probably will rebel at some point anyway if it gets too much. Definitely don't tell them to tell her to piss off, though - guess what they'll tell you next time you tell them to do homework.

Gosh what a difficult situation which I am totally unqualified to give an opinion on..but here is my two pennies worth..

Your children are obviously well balanced children who seem to have a great example set to them by their mum. I think the best thing that you can do is support them as you have been doing however knocking children's confidence has lots of implications so I think that you are right to be concerned.

They have two parents, one of whom is not the new partner so maybe this would best be resolved by asking for a meeting with your ex at your house to discuss this in a calm and rationale manner. It may well be that the new partner genuinely thinks that she is doing the best for your children by trying to push them (everyone has different parenting skills) but if you are uncomfortable then you have a right to speak up. I would try to do it in a non accusatory way but ask that your ex helps to ensure the children feel more comfortable when they see him otherwise there is a risk in the future that they may not choose to do so.

If you can give the benefit of the doubt to the new partner (she may well be mortified that she is making your children feel like this) but make it clear that they are not happy then you will be providing the best example to your children that adults resolve things in a clear and calm way whilst making sure that their concerns are addressed.

Id pull her myself, because I'd hate to stand by and see my kids bullied by a no good for nothing asshole.

I have to be careful because of my job, which she has already gone for.

I can't see her face to face.

Thanks for the suggestions :)

I love my kids and hate so much they have to go through this but so support their attitude that they WILL have a relationship with their dad in spite of her.

When they are older they will see what a spineless twat he is and I guess if they let me I will support them to deal with that too.