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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to lend this money, AIBU?

27 replies

TheUnsympatheticBank · 01/02/2011 19:37

This my ex P btw. He is a few days from pay day and has no money but I KNOW that the reason for this is that he spent it all on a big old weekend away a couple of weeks ago. I am pretty sure he is seeing someone else too (not a problem, better if he is, keeps him out of my hair).

I knew that a loan request was coming and I have always lent him money in the past, although it has been quite stressful doing so as he is not the most reliable of chaps and I was always wondering if I would get it back. This time I said No. I can afford it but I wouldnt get the money back for a while and anyway I just don't want to, the whole thing really stresses me out.

For a few days afterwards I got the silent treatment and last night after dropping off kids I was making small talk with him when he told me to "stop talking to me, you are no friend to me and I just don't like you at all, I don't want anything more to do with you." This is all because I said no to lending him money I mean ffs its been a year since we split and I have lent him money every single month to help up until pay day (he always pays back but then borrows again later in the month) and given him no end of lifts etc.

The reason I really don't want to lend it this time is that he has an extremely well paid job, much, much more money to spend on himself than I do (about 10 times as much!) and he just basically pisses it away, seriously it all goes on gambling and nights out. I just don't see why I should, the whole thing is too stressful. His feeling is that as he gifted me some money before Christmas I should now step up and lend him it when he needs it now. The money was for Christmas and new furniture and to be fair just for me to have some money as I don't have a lot etc. As things were fairly amicable and it was for the kids and furniture I thought it was ok to accept it. He feels that he has been very generous to me with this gift and now I should give/lend some of it back.

So what do we think? Am I being a selfish tway? I will toe the official MN line on this.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheUnsympatheticBank · 01/02/2011 19:40

Oh and when he left, he left me in a ton of debt that I pay off at a rate of around £100 a month.

OP posts:
DorisIsAPinkDragon · 01/02/2011 19:46

I think you both have problems with money.

He will piss money away left right and centre, you say gambling etc but also with over bountiful gifts that he obviously has not budgeted for.

You are paying off a ton of debt? (presumably some of which should be his?) But when recieving a significant lump sum rather than pay off more you have spent on furniture?

YANBU regarding his loans, his gift does not make you the first point of call when he has run out of money..

However if he is your exp and presumably your dc's dad why is he having so much more money to play with than you?

TheVisitor · 01/02/2011 19:48

I'd certainly not lend it to him. In effect, he's taking stuff away from the kids. Tell him to jog on and sulk all he likes. He sees you as a meal ticket.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/02/2011 19:49

If you're a friend then you're a friend with or without money. Obviously this isn't the case so I wouldn't feel bad about not lending it to him. You're not a bank nor a cashpoint.

Original poster
TheUnsympatheticBank · 01/02/2011 19:51

Noooooo Doris, I didn't, I paid off once large bill with it then used the rest to furnish a bedroom, which I had given up for my dd as she can no longer share with her db as he has SN. I now sleep on a bed sofa in the living room.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheUnsympatheticBank · 01/02/2011 19:51

one not once

OP posts:
Original poster
TheUnsympatheticBank · 01/02/2011 19:54

That is what I think lyingWitchInTheWardrobe. I stood by him through an awful lot when we were together, stuff I wouldn't put here because you would hate his guts and I wouldn't get unbiased answers. So to fall out with me over a £100 quid loan really hurts me actually.

He pays child support btw but gets money from another source that I cannot access, it is v, v, complicated.

OP posts:
DorisIsAPinkDragon · 01/02/2011 20:03

In that case continue to say no.

Eventually he will get the hint that you are not and never will be his personal bank.

Oh and his comment makes him sound extremely childish.

Original poster
TheUnsympatheticBank · 01/02/2011 20:05

That is what my Mum said, "your kids say that to you and they are 3 and 6!"

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 01/02/2011 20:07

If you lend this money you may as well stamp MUG on your forehead.

EricNorthmansMistress · 01/02/2011 20:08

Yu need to break this cycle now and if he spits his dummy out for a while so be it. What a twat.

Original poster
TheUnsympatheticBank · 01/02/2011 20:14

Exactly what my Mum said again! last two posters! Thinking I should listen to my Mum more often Shock.

OP posts:
Meow75 · 01/02/2011 20:16

Why do YOU care if he doesn't want to be your friend?!?!

He's the kids' dad, they have a relationship with him, but the only reason you need to go near him is when they are picked up/dropped off.

He's your ex, this is a good opportunity to distance yourself from him. Let his new partner sub him.

Remember, "NO!" is a complete sentence. You do not need to give a reason as to why that is your response, you and he are no longer connected in that way.

Original poster
TheUnsympatheticBank · 01/02/2011 20:18

Well we were trying to co-parent, it doesn't work too well if you don't talk to each other Grin, but you are right, I suppose it just makes me fume a bit because of the amount of stuff I have done for him in the past.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 01/02/2011 20:29

TBH, I think if you continue to lend him money then THAT shows you are no friend at all, as you are enabling him to continue to be crap with money. A true friend would help him to embrace adulthood learn how to budget.

And his 'not talking' is childish in the extreme.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 01/02/2011 21:02

He's a tit. "I don't like you at all"

??

So you're only good so long as you're bailing him out?

What a cock.

Seems like he feels like he's got a right to your money.

Sod him.

monkeyflippers · 01/02/2011 21:11

Tell him to stand on his own two feet and stop acting like a child. Also point out that he has tons of money and if he doesn't want to be skint he shouldn't gamble it away. Also say that you don't have the money to lend him as you are still paying off all the debt he left you in.

Next time he sulks just close the door in his face and don't pander to it.

Diamondback · 02/02/2011 17:13

Just tell him you didn't realise you were paying him to be your friend... what a tool

PorridgeBrain · 02/02/2011 21:22

You say you 'can afford it' but how can you afford it if you are still paying off debts??

Surely any left over money you have should be going to pay off those debts which are by the sounds of it half his anyway Hmm

BennyMoore · 02/02/2011 21:47

OP, Judging by your nickname I think you already know what to do. But I suggest advising him to see a financial adviser. He needs help in manging Money.

Goofymum · 02/02/2011 22:12

Can't you just tell him that you have no spare cash as you earn 10x less than he does and that any spare you do have (including the gift he gave you at Xmas) goes on paying off the masses of debt he left you in?

OK, so he'll give you the silent treatment and be nasty to you - you can put the onus back on to him and say that you don't care but that kind of behaviour from him is upsetting to the children.

Absolutely no way should you lend him any money again.

HettiesMum · 03/02/2011 09:16

Agree with monkeyflippers ....

RealityIsKnockedUp · 03/02/2011 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frazzle26 · 03/02/2011 19:35

"Never a lender nor a borrower be". I always stick by that statement and I especially would never lend to my ex husband. I think you should definitely stop lending to yours. Tough luck if he's out of money. It's not your problem and he's only trying to guilt trip you.

Debs75 · 03/02/2011 19:54

Don't lend him the money.
Tell him that by lending him the money it is putting you out financially as it is your fall back money. even if he pays it back you might need it. Ignore the pettiness and tell him you are not a cash machine

I regret helping my friend out last September to the tune of £300. It was meant to be for 4 days but it has now been 5 months. I got £100 before Christmas but that was after 3 weeks of basically nagging to get it back. I was then promised the last £2oo by the end of the month and it is now the next month. I have helped her out loads of times and never learnt. She is always late paying money back. If she asks again I will tell her she can have it with 25% on top evry month