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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To even consider a DNA test?

25 replies

redflag · 30/01/2011 22:11

Ok so my dad had a son, whilst married to my mum, with a 16 year old who's family have been on the receiving end of a lot of terrible rumors (not completely relevant i know).

I recently found my brother, and everyone keeps telling me he is not my brother?!

Very confusing to me, as i met him when i was 13 as my brother who i was not told about until he was 7.

So i am not overly bothered if he is my blood brother now, i love him, and he is the only brother i have got. I know i could do a dna but i feel it may be hurtful to my brother if i ask him to do one.

God i feel so Jeremy kyle do you think he would be offended?

It would be just so i could shut my family up more than anything.

Sorry if i am rambling, there is so much back story it would take hours to explain it all.

OP posts:

onehotmomma · 30/01/2011 22:13

If you are not bothered and love him regardless then there is no need for one imo :) sod the rest of the family

mutznutz · 30/01/2011 22:15

I think you two would have to chat about it. Can you find a way of 'laughingly' raising the subject...and suggesting it in jest? You might gauge his reaction that way?

Original poster

redflag · 30/01/2011 22:18

That's is how i feel onehotmomma, but i hate having to justify seeing him, and him being around my children. My grandmother said i was selfish making them see him when he may not be related to them

Mutznuts, i just couldn't it would break my heart if he got upset, he is a really lovely boy, very sensitive and not very confident

I feel very torn

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curlymama · 30/01/2011 22:28

If you and he want to be brother and sister, you can be, you don't have to justify it to anyone.

YANBU, but it sounds like you would be doing it for the wrong reasons.

Try and think about all the possible outcomes, every single one you can think of. Writing it down might help. Then think about how you would feel in each situation, for at least a morning or an afternoon each. It might help you realise what would be the best for you and your brother.

onehotmomma · 30/01/2011 22:28

I would ignore your grandmother I really would. I wouldn't ask him incase he got upset. It could damage your relationship and it sounds like you two are really close. I wouldn't want to risk it imo especially if you are doing based on what your family say:)

I would only ask for a dna if YOU really want to know. Just say to your family that you class him as a brother end of and for them to butt out.

Don't justify yourself to anyone, it's none of there business

GreenEyesandHam · 30/01/2011 22:30

Well I could give you a few suggestions as to what you could say to your grandmother..

If you love him and see him as a brother (which is what you were told as a child), that really IS enough, surely?

I can see why he might want a DNA test one day, perhaps you could broach the subject with him that way? But do it for him, not to 'justify' anything to anybody else

Original poster

redflag · 30/01/2011 22:34

Nah you are all right!

At the end of the day, it was all of them (my mother and father and grandmother) that made all the mess. Not telling me about him for 7 years and all the other drama. We are the "innocents" in all of this, so surely they should all just leave us alone and let us be happy.

I don't think i would be doing the test for the right reason either, and if it came back we weren't it would break my heart, not that anything would change.

OP posts:

Original poster

redflag · 30/01/2011 22:36

I am more annoyed at the way i am being made to feel like the bad guy in all of this.

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bubblewrapped · 30/01/2011 22:40

How does your mum feel about it?

I would tread very carefully and remember its not just about you. Other peoples lives are also involved.

How old is he now?

Original poster

redflag · 30/01/2011 22:43

My mum managed to stay married to my dad for a further 6 years after my brother was born so i don't really think her feelings should be considered, She also wanted to raise him as her own when she found out about him.

He is 20.

OP posts:

GreenEyesandHam · 30/01/2011 22:50

You said it yourself, you two are the innocents in all this, none of this is of your doing.

I do know what you mean though, it would be nice to have a piece of paper to say 'Ha, it's proof, bone fide, blood related' but the fact that there even is an element of doubt is very sad, and is down to the people who were adult at the time, not the two of you

Original poster

redflag · 30/01/2011 22:53

Indeed GreenEyes just makes me laugh the doubt only manifested after 12 years. The whole situation is stupid, i hate all the lies and cover ups.

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bubblewrapped · 30/01/2011 22:58

My mum managed to stay married to my dad for a further 6 years after my brother was born so i don't really think her feelings should be considered

thats sounds a bit bloody harsh :(

So your mother agrees though that it is your brother. Who is saying not?

I agree, you are the innocents in it, and if you are siblings, nobody should deny you having a relationship.

I have two older half brothers who I have never met and dont even know if they know of my existence. Long and complicated story, and I only found out about them a couple of years ago. (I am 40).

fedupofnamechanging · 30/01/2011 23:02

I think that family is about how you feel. There are millions of people in the world who love parents, children and siblings who are not related to them biologically. And by the same token, there are lots of people with blood relatives that they are not at all close to.

As far as you, and he, are concerned, you are brother ans sister. End of.

I would tell the rest of the family that you will not be listening to their opinions or criticism regarding this matter, ever again. If they can't say anything positive, then best if they say nothing.

You don't have to justify your relationship to anyone. Enjoy having a brother and ignore everyone else's opinion.

mangle · 30/01/2011 23:05

I don't think you should ever mention it unless your brother does. Your father is most likely the father. Don't you think if he ever doubted he was, he would have raised the issue? Especially as he was married at the time and the girl was only 16! Sometimes things are best left, finding out he isn't your biological brother can only cause distress to you both, whereas finding out he is, would probably not alter an already very strong brother and sister bond! Tell your grandmother u didn't create this mess but because u And your brother are both decent people, you have formed a loving relationship out of the situation! Xxx

BecauseItoldYouSo · 30/01/2011 23:08

I had a DNA test done in the summer for my father and I. It was at the request of his wife and son (they were hoping that I was not his). The DNA test was black and white proof that I was.

It leaves no questions for anyone when you have one done. Do it.

GreenEyesandHam · 30/01/2011 23:14

Surely it could leave rather a lot of questions- like 'ok, well who the hell IS my father then', and 'what do we do with this relationship now?'

And to be fair, it isn't the OP's DNA that is in question, it would be for her brother to decide

BecauseItoldYouSo · 30/01/2011 23:22

Yes it is the brother's decision to have the test and not to be 'forced' into it by anyone.

However if the OP has a good relationship with her "brother" then they should be able to discuss it like adults. (I assume that you are both adults??)

'ok, well who the hell IS my father then', and 'what do we do with this relationship now?' WTF?? You deal with whatever the truth of the situation is like an adult.

Original poster

redflag · 31/01/2011 07:35

Ok a lot of posts since i left.

My mother was the one who "broke the news" about my brother and now years later has turned around and said he is not my brother, and has been having a great time gossiping about his family ever since.

I was told about him, because after my mother and father divorced, my dad got together with my brothers mother again. And after they split i was denied any information about them from my father. so i have spent years thinking about him.

My father chose to tell me that he was not my brother when a man in a pub asked him if i was his only child, in my presence, My dad said "yes she is" i said "erm no dad" and he chose that point to tell me a horrific story, implying his uncle was his father (his father was 8 when my brother was born)

OP posts:

Original poster

redflag · 31/01/2011 07:36

Sorry his uncle was 8 when he supposedly fathered him. Its early

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HecateQueenOfWitches · 31/01/2011 09:43

I think if your brother is upset by all this then you could do worse that to say you would support him all the way if he wanted to do a DNA test and shove it up their arses!

If he doesn't care then fair enough.

But dna proof would certainly stop these people from saying such awful things. It must hurt him, surely?

MrsTittleMouse · 31/01/2011 10:04

Agree that it has to be your brother's decision.

I'd also like to put in a word for your Mum - I agree that denying that he is the son of your Dad is a mean and selfish thing to do. But she was also an innocent in all this. I'm sure that she didn't encourage your Dad to go out and betray her with a 16 year old! You don't have to look long on the Relationships board to see how much pain their is in discovering an affair, let alone one that resulted in a child. So she wanted to raise him as her own - we have no idea what she was going through at the time. Maybe she had secondary infertility and thought it was her only chance of raising another child. Maybe she thought that that way she could sweep everything under the carpet and pretend that it was all normal again. Maybe she was so determined not to split the marriage and family up and thought that it was the only way that your Dad would stay. It doesn't mean that she has no feelings in all this.

Anyway, I'm sorry that you and your brother are going through all this, and I'm really glad that you have such a lovely relationship with him - I'm sure that he is too.

Original poster

redflag · 31/01/2011 11:06

MrsTittle, With all due respect my mother was an adult and had choices in the matter. It is my brother and i who are the ones who have been hurt, my mum was no angel herself.

She had choices myself and my brother were not able to have an input. So i am not going to consider her feelings in the matter, she was happy to lie to me and keep my brother from me for over 7 years. Did she consider me? Or were her actions and my fathers selfish?

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MrsTittleMouse · 31/01/2011 11:17

I'm sorry if I offended you. I completely agree that you and your brother were completely innocent in all this, and are being treated very badly. And, as I said, I think that he is very lucky to have you as a sister now.

It's just that you sounded very harsh when you were discussing your mother. Maybe that's because she is a really nasty and horrible woman, or maybe it's because she is very hurt and bitter, I don't know. I was just pointing out that the fact that she stayed with your Dad doesn't mean that she has no feelings about the matter. Even if she is behaving badly right now (which I agree that she is).

Original poster

redflag · 31/01/2011 22:20

No she is not, but she can be selfish. And i think this is one of those occasions.

My brother doesn't, thankfully, know any of the unfolding drama.

I know a few years ago my father was forced to do a dna test by the csa, my brother most likely knows the result, I am not privy to that info though, and i wouldn't put it past my father to know full well, and still deny him, whilst paying for him.

OP posts:

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